


Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

by Bronzeflower



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Although trolls and humans still live in the same areas, Book Recommendations, F/F, Fluff, I will update tags as the story progresses, I'm drowning myself in pesterlogs, It is no one's fault but mine, Karkat Swearing, Lots and lots of pesterlogs, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pining, Shopping, Slow Burn, Swearing, Youtuber AU, lots and lots of swearing, pesterlogs, ranting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2018-11-05 15:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 74,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11016444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bronzeflower/pseuds/Bronzeflower
Summary: Based on a tumblr post by unintelligible-screaming in which Dave has a YouTube channel where he reviews random things, and Karkat binge watches his videos in an exhausted state at three am. Karkat then proceeds to send Dave a ten-page rant about how his channel is weird and confusing.





	1. An Angry, Angry Rant

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy reading this!

This was stupid.

That is exactly what you were thinking when you began watching this YouTuber’s videos at three in the morning.

Completely idiotic, you thought as you clicked on the next video.

Past you was such a fucking idiot for even beginning to watch these videos, thus subjecting you to these steaming piles of shit videos. There was absolutely no reason to continue watching them.

And yet, you were the one who decided to watch them, so you have abso-fucking-lutely no one to blame this on other than yourself.

So, of course, you’re now watching some douche bag in shades eat an apple in slow motion and reviewing it in precise and exact detail in the most monotone voice you have ever heard in the entirety of your useless fucking existence.

You watch as he bites into an apple with the speed of molasses. Even slower than molasses. What the fuck is slower than molasses? You tried looking it up, but all you got was where the phrase slower than molasses came from. When you returned to the video, he was still biting into the apple. The camera went super close up to him biting into the apple.

After what was most certainly hours, he finally started chewing the bite he took of the apple. This lasted for fucking ages. You wouldn’t be surprised if he made this part extra slow for effect. In fact, you think he might actually have.

He finished chewing, and he slowly opened his mouth to talk about that single bite of apple he had eaten.

“This bite was slightly crunchier than the last bite.” He began, his voice at normal speed. “Juicer too. As absolutely perfect bite of an apple you could reasonably consider getting. Fucking amazing. This apple is amazing. It has nothing on the sweet, sweet nectar that is apple juice, but this apple is awesome in its own right.”

He kept rambling on about the apple for so long that you barely even realized when the video ended. You close out of the seventeen-minute long video of him reviewing a fucking apple of all things and click on another video where he was review… something. You weren't quite sure what it was, but it looked like a pile of sludge.

He described it as slime, but it looked way thicker than any slime should ever look like.

The more you watched his videos, the angrier you got until you got to the point where you were nothing but a ball of rage and exhaustion. In this state of rage and exhaustion, you figured out how to contact him and started typing away.

"FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND SECOND OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND THIRD OF ALL, GUESS FUCKING WHAT? FUCK YOU. I’M SENDING YOU A METAPHORICAL MIDDLE FINGER. TWO, IN FACT. BOTH OF MY MIDDLE HAND STICKS ARE ERECT AND READY FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. IT’S A SHAME THAT I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS BECAUSE THE RAGE I HAVE CANNOT PROPERLY BE CONVEYED BY MERELY TWO MIDDLE FINGERS. IN FACT, EVEN IF I HAD DOUBLE OR TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF HANDS, IT WOULD NOT EVEN HOLD A TENTH OF THE AMOUNT OF HATRED AND RAGE I HAVE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHANNEL. YOU HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BE THE CATALYST OF AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF RAGE THAN THE NORMAL PERSON HAS. IN FACT, THE RAGE YOU HAVE CREATED SURPASSES EVEN THE GODS IN MIGHT AND FURY, AND THE ONE WHO HAS OBTAINED THIS RAGE IS ME, A MERE MORTAL.

"IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT I HAVEN’T EXPLODED DUE TO SHEER FUCKING RAGE. IF I DIE FROM SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION, I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT IT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT THAT I DIED. BECAUSE YOU INVOKED AN ANGER THAT SURPASSES WHATEVER GODS YOU BELIEVE IN, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE LIKE A ROBOT WHO DECIDES TO RANDOMLY EXPLODE TO CONFUSE THE ENTIRETY OF PARADOX SPACE INTO FIXING EVERYTHING THAT OUR PATHETIC SPECIES HAVE DONE WRONG. BUT, OF COURSE, PARADOX SPACE COULD NEVER FIX EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY ‘RANDOM’ BECAUSE PARADOX SPACE KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND HAS HAPPENED AND IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE AND ALTERNATE REALITIES, SO NOTHING IS EVER TRULY RANDOM, NOT EVEN YOUR POINTLESS AS FUCK CHANNEL THAT DOESN'T EVEN DO THINGS THAT AREN’T REVIEWING THE WEIRDEST OF THINGS.

“WHO THE FUCK REVIEWS AN APPLE ANYWAYS? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE COLOR OF THE APPLE AND THE EXACT WAY THE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE APPLE UNLESS YOU’RE BLINDER THAN A BAT. IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY TO DESCRIBE HOW THE SHAPE OF THE APPLE REMINDS YOU OF SOME ARBITRARY EVENT IN HISTORY OR HOW THE NONEXISTENT STEM MAKES YOU THINK OF MODERN-DAY POLITICS. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT HOW EACH BITE OF AN APPLE IS DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER AND WHICH BITES OF THE APPLE ARE MOST SIMILAR.

“WHAT’S NEXT? ARE YOU GOING TO RAMBLE ON ABOUT HOW COMMUNISM RELATES TO A BACKPACK SHAPED LIKE YOUR FAVORITE POKÉMON? OR HOW THE WORLD WILL BE IMPACTED IF SOMEONE USES FRESH PASTA IN A BATTLE AND HOW THAT PIECE OF PASTA WILL LEAD TO WORLD WAR III? WHAT ARE YOU? A GODDAMNED HISTORY MAJOR? WELL, EXCUSE ME, MR. GOODHEAD, BUT NOT ALL OF US UNDERSTAND WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

“IN FACT, IF, FOR ONCE, YOU WOULD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SUFFER IN SILENCE, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, PIGS WOULD FLY AND THE APOCALYPSE WOULD HAPPEN, AND WE WOULD ALL JUST HAVE A JOLLY GOOD DAY FOR ONCE. PERHAPS, IF YOU SILENCED YOURSELF FOR EVEN A SINGLE MINUTE, GOG WOULD COME OUT AND BLESS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET WITH HIS GRACE. AND YOU WOULD GET THE GRAND FUCKING PRIZE BECAUSE YOU FINALLY MANAGED TO DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR A FEW, PRECIOUS, GODLY SECONDS. IF YOU WERE QUIET FOR ONCE, BIRDS WOULD SING, AND THE ANGELS WOULD JOIN THEM, AND WIZARDS WOULD EXIST. BUT, OF COURSE, YOU APPEAR TO BE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN SPEAKING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF, SO ANY MIRACLES THAT COULD HAPPEN WON’T HAPPEN BECAUSE THE SEEMINGLY EASY TASK OF CLOSING YOUR MOUTH IS ENTIRELY TOO DIFFICULT FOR A PERSON LIKE YOU.”

This message went on for several more pages before you hit the send button and promptly fell asleep.


	2. In Which Dave Gets a Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave reads the rant Karkat sent him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect me to update every two days. It's an unrealistic expectation bc at some point y'all will have to wait weeks for the next update.

“Holy shit.” You said as you looked through your messages.

There, right in front of your eyes, past your sunglasses, was a ten-page rant about you and your channel.

It was fantastic and honestly one of the most enjoyable things you’ve read in a while. Someone ought to pay whoever wrote this to write insults because they clearly have no trouble vomiting out whatever rage they have onto a document and sending it to your plush ass.

You’re laughing your fucking ass off. This entire thing is pure gold, and you don’t even think it was an ironic message. No, this was a completely 100% honest-to-god genuine ten-page hate message you got here.

You read the entire thing, and then you read it again just to make sure the message wasn’t part of some fucked up fever dream that you just happened to have at this very moment. Nope. It was a genuine article. You’ve got to show this to Terezi.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: holy shit tz guess what just happened  


GC: YOU GOT 1N TROUBL3 4ND 4R3 1N N33D OF 4 L4WY3R?  


TG: what no its something way better than that  


GC: WHAT 1S 1T TH3N D4V3?  
GC: 1F YOU DON’T R3QU1R3 MY L4W 3XP3T1S3?  


TG: the best goddamned hate mail to ever be made  
TG: check it  
TG: crabby.pdf  
TG: go on and read i promise it will be the best thing youll read all day  
TG: or smell as the case may be  


GC: HOLY SH1T  


TG: i know right its fuckn glorious  


GC: 1’V3 ONLY R34D TH3 F1RST F3W L1N3S BUT  
GC: TH1S 1S F4NT4ST1C  


TG: i would definitely recommend reading the rest of it when youve got the time  


GC: 1 MOST C3RT41NLY W1LL  
GC: BUT R1GHT NOW, DUTY C4LLS  
GC: 4ND 1 MUST 4DH3R3 TO TH3 L4W >:]  
GC: SM3LL YOU 4ROUND D4V3  


TG: see ya

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You briefly stop to think about what your next order of business will be. Of course, this thought is only a formality because you are pestering Rose as you speak.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose holy shit youve got to look at this  
TG: crabby.pdf  


TT: It is presumed that clicking on this will not give my computer a virus, correct?  


TG: who the fuck would send a virus to their friend  
TG: like just be innocently hanging out and talking and you send a link to your friend  
TG: innocent looking link right there, all ready to be caressed and clicked on  
TG: nothing suspicious looking about that, no sirree  
TG: just a fun little thing that you wanted to send to your friend and your friend clicks on it and  
TG: BOOM  
TG: virus  
TG: nasty little fucker too like holy shit  
TG: youll never be rid of this one lalonde  


TT: It’s better to be safe than sorry. I’ve been hearing about people hacking into pesterchum accounts and sending sleazy links that give people’s computers viruses.  
TT: You really can never be too careful.  


TG: that link is one hundred percent dave strider approved  
TG: its only the best goddamned hate mail ive ever gotten in my life  
TG: go ahead and read it since i have verified that the link is completely and utterly virus free  


TT: It’s tone certainly is…  
TT: Angry  
TT: And loud.  
TT: However, I must admit it is very amusing.  
TT: The metaphors appear to run even longer than your own.  


TG: what kind of blasphemy are you speaking  
TG: i am the absolute king of metaphors  
TG: i rule the absolute shit out of them  
TG: all these peasant metaphors running around like its a goddamned bake sale and each item is only fifty cents  
TG: wow now i want a cookie but the bake sale is sold out because holy shit people sure do love some fucking baked goods especially when theyre cheap baked goods  
TG: clearly the best baked goods to ever grace this motherfucking planet  
TG: put some in your mouth it melts like fucking cotton candy or some shit  
TG: fuckin delicious  


TT: I stand corrected. You are clearly only the best at metaphors.  
TT: Excuse me as I bow down to you, your Majesty.  
TT: Perhaps you could hear out your lowly advisor.  


TG: ill allow it  


TT: What are you planning on doing about the one who threatens to take your throne? It is possible that they are more powerful than you ever could imagine.  
TT: It is even feasible that their metaphors are even more lengthy and incoherent than yours.  
TT: War may be certain.  


TG: war doesn’t sound very pleasant  


TT: I suppose not.  


TG: i would rather avoid a war  
TG: my subjects are poor and in need of help  
TG: maybe the one who wants to take my throne and i can come to an agreement  


TT: An agreement?  


TG: yes and by that i mean im going to make a video about it  


TT: Of course you are. What else would you do?  


TG: who knows  
TG: maybe i would accept their offer of war and we would fight to the death over who would become the true king/queen/royalty of metaphors  
TG: but then all my little peasant metaphors would be dead and dying and their blood would be all over the place  
TG: and we dont want any of that  
TG: we want our people to be happy and buying shit in order to keep this capitalist piece of shit to keep running  
TG: anyway i should probably get going sometime soon  
TG: work waits for no one and ive got things to review and videos to post  


TT: Don’t work yourself to death.  


TG: thanks for the (maybe) sincere concern  
TG: talk to you later about something or other  
TG: who knows really

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

You start getting things together immediately in order to get crack-a-lacking on the work you have been suddenly inspired to do.

It was time to review some angry rants.

Well, actually, just one, but your statement still stands, and it’s also a really really long rant, so it could conceivably possibly count as multiple rants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed!


	3. The Video Has Been Created

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone asks why Karkat is slightly less shouty, it is because he is older and has mellowed out somewhat. I say that in the loosest manner possible.

You woke up with your face on your computer keyboard, hunched over, and uncomfortable as hell. You proceed to sit up and groan as every single bone in your spine cracks like it’s the Fourth of July without any of the actual fun of the Fourth of July.

You blink until you regain sight of the world and drink some water to get the morning taste out of your mouth. You also grab the sweet, sweet elixir that coffee and toast some bread to eat.

Once you get all the other survival aspects of life out of the way, you sit down at your computer and begin to message Kanaya.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: HEY, KANAYA.  
CG: I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.  


GA: I Congratulate You On Your Rest  
GA: Might I Inquire What Your Dream Was About  


CG: IT WAS MOSTLY JUST WEIRD BECAUSE OF HOW REALISTIC IT WAS.  
CG: LIKE, I WAS JUST BINGE-WATCHING A BUNCH OF VIDEOS ON GRUBTUBE WHERE THIS GUY WEARING SHADES WAS JUST REVIEWING A SHIT-TON OF RANDOM PRODUCTS  
CG: AND I GOT SO PISSED OFF AT IT.  
CG: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS REVIEWS WAS DONE IN THE MOST MONOTONE FUCKING VOICE, AND HE WOULD DESCRIBE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY THINK OF TO DESCRIBE, AND THEN HE WOULD GO THAT LITTLE EXTRA MILE TO CONNECT THOSE DETAILS TO THE MOST UNRELATED SHIT.  
CG: HE COMPARED THE SHAPE OF AN APPLE TO SOME EVENT IN HISTORY THAT NOBODY HAS EVEN EVER HEARD ABOUT.  
CG: AN APPLE, KANAYA.  


GA: That Certainly Sounds Entertaining  


CG: IT WAS, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.  
CG: THE POINT IS, HE PISSED DREAM-ME OFF SO MUCH THAT I WROTE HIM THIS HUGE RANT ABOUT HOW POINTLESS AND CONFUSING HIS CHANNEL WAS.  
CG: I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAJORITY OF WHAT I WROTE.  
CG: AND THAT WAS MY DREAM, BASICALLY.  


GA: That Is Definitely A Strange Dream  
GA: Did The Channel Have A Name  


CG: YEAH IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE COGS IN THE GOD’S HEAD  
CG: OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DUMB AS THAT.  
CG: IT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS NAME THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HIS CHANNEL ACTUALLY DID.  


GA: If I May Be So Bold  
GA: It Is Plausible That The Channel Is Not As Fake As You Believe It To Be  
GA: http://grubtube.com/channel/Ds7ioP4nOI1dS3Jls88  


CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: HUH  
CG: I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT.  
CG: WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.  


GA: I Concur  


CG: WHO EVEN WEARS SHADES ALL THE FUCKING TIME ANYWAYS?  
CG: IT’S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.  


GA: What About How Real You Think Your Dream Might Have Been?  


CG: FUCK, I DON’T KNOW.  
CG: MAYBE I WAS SO TIRED THAT I JUST REGISTERED IT ALL AS A DREAM.  
CG: HOWEVER, THE RANT I WROTE WAS MOST DEFINITELY JUST A DREAM.  
CG: IT WAS MERELY A SIDE EFFECT OF WATCHING HIS VIDEOS AT AN EARLY HOUR.  


GA: Perhaps  
GA: I Do Think It Is Unlikely That Was Something You Actually Did  
GA: However You Do Tend To Rant Quite A Bit  


CG: THAT’S FAIR.  


GA: Also I Happen To Have A Question For You Unrelated To This Topic  


CG: WHAT IS IT?  


GA: Are You Planning On Coming To Work Today  
GA: Or Are You Feeling Sick  


CG: OH SHIT.  
CG: SORRY, KANAYA, I’LL BE THERE SOON.  


GA: Thank You

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

You quickly get dressed and run out of the door in order to get to Kanaya’s store.

When you get there, you find her speaking to a woman with dark lipstick and white hair. The were probably talking about a commission for clothing, so you decided to leave them alone to assist people in the store.

You loved Kanaya, you really did, but if you have to deal with one more customer who tried to haggle with you, you were going to strangle someone. It wasn’t your fault that certain people did not understand the time and effort it takes to make a handmade garment.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t make any exceptions to the price. These are all made with high-quality materials, and they are hand-tailored. In all honesty, this is practically a steal for what it's worth.”

“Look here, I know quality when I see it, and this piece of garbage isn’t passing any quality tests anytime soon.”

“You're free to shop anywhere else if you wish or find something cheaper in the store.” You said. “So, please, either pay for the skirt or buy something else.”

“Fine, I will!” The customer declared. “And I won’t buy anything from this store ever!”

Karkat breathed out a sigh of relief when the customer left. Thank. Fucking. God.

The lady Kanaya was speaking to came out of the back and began to look around the store. She looked around for so long that you rung up three purchases.

Eventually, she came up to the counter with several items.

“Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could assist me.”

“What do you need?” you ask, hoping that she would not be an obnoxious customer.

“I need some help in deciding which blouse to buy.” She held up two blouses, one that had a black and white design, and one that had a lavender color.

“I would go with the light purple one.” You advised. “It’s a nice color and it’s made with better material.”

“Thank you.” She put away the black and white blouse. “I would like to buy the rest of these.”

You add up the price of all the items, and she pays. You neatly fold all the clothes and put them in bags, which you hand to the woman.

“Come again.” You say when you give her the bags.

“Thank you. I will.” She left, and you glance at the clock to see how much time was left before you needed to close the store. About two more hours.

At least there weren't that many people in the store to deal with, but that wasn’t very good for the story and left you feeling very, very bored. It stayed like this for a long while.

“Has Rose left?”

You jumped at the sudden voice and turned to Kanaya.

“Who’s Rose?”

“She was the woman I was talking to about a commission. The one with the white hair.” Kanaya explained.

“Oh, yeah. She did leave. Bought a whole bunch of shit beforehand though. Why?”

“Well, as I said, we were talking about sewing a dress for her, but I just realized that I neglected to ask her for her contact information in order to finalize the details of her request.”

“She might come back tomorrow. After all, she would care about her dress. That, and the shop is going to close soon.”

“Oh. Well, I do hope she shows up tomorrow.”

Rose did, in fact, show up the next day, and she and Kanaya traded contact information. Before Rose left, she bought a hair flower that she claimed was a gift for a friend.

For the next few weeks, everything went as normal as ever until you were looking through GrubTube only to find a video made by cogsintheGodshead titled “long angry rant.’ The thumbnail had a picture of the douchebag with photoshopped angry eyebrows with a large stack of paper shittily photoshopped next to him.

You click on the video because, of course, you want to see him have an actual expression on his face. However, your hopes of seeing him angry fall flat when the video begins.

“So, recently, I got an angry message describing how useless my channel is, so, of course, I’m going to read the entire thing to all of you.”

He cleared his throat and began reading.

“First of all, fuck you. And second of all, fuck you. And third of all, guess fucking what? Fuck you. I’m sending you a metaphorical middle finger. Two, in fact. Both of my middle hand sticks are erect and ready for your viewing pleasure.”

By the time you got two minutes into the video, the rant began to sound familiar and suspiciously like one of your own rants. By the time five minutes had passed, you were convinced that it was your rant. By the time ten minutes had passed, you were only halfway through the video and you were feeling complete and utter rage that soon faded away into embarrassment and mortification.

You can not fucking believe that this pretentious douche was reading, out loud, the message you sent to him. The message you thought you didn’t actually send and that you thought was merely a figment of your imagination.

When the video ended, you decided you had to message someone about it.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: IT WAS NOT A DREAM.  


GA: I Believe You Are Going To Have To Be A Little Bit More Specific About Which Dream You Are Talking About  


CG: THE ONE WHERE I WROTE A GIANT FUCKING RANT AND SENT IT TO COGSINTHEGODSHEAD.  
CG: THAT WAS NOT A DREAM.  


GA: What Happened To Prove This  


GC: THIS  
GC: THIS HAPPENED.  
GC: https://www.grubtube.com/watch?=Odda45IDa09  


GA: There Doesn’t Appear To Be Any Evidence That You Were The One Who Wrote It Other Than That It Sounds Like Your Style Of Writing  


GC: AND THAT I *DREAMED* ABOUT IT  


GA: That Would Be A Pretty Telling Sign  
GA: How Are You Fairing  


GC: I DON’T REALLY KNOW.  
GC: I’M PRETTY MAD ABOUT IT, AND I HATE PAST ME FOR WRITING THE THING,  
GC: BUT I GUESS I ALREADY WROTE AND SENT IT,  
GC: AND COGSINTHEGODSHEAD ALREADY MADE A VIDEO ABOUT IT,  
GC: SO THERE ISN’T REALLY ANYTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.  


GA: You Could Send A Message To Him About It  


GC: AND EMBARRASS MYSELF EVEN FURTHER?  
GC: NO, THANK YOU!  


GA: It Was Simply A Suggestion You Do Not Have To Do It If You Do Not Wish It  


GC: I KNOW, BUT I DON’T THINK I WILL.  
GC: IT WOULD BE CHILDISH, AND ‘IM A GROWN FUCKING ADULT.  
GC: THE VIDEO IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, EVEN IF THE GRUBTUBER HIMSELF IS A HUGE ASSHOLE.  


GA: I Am Glad You Are Being Mature About It  


GC: ME TOO.  
GC: I SHOULD PROBABLY GO EAT SOMETHING, SO I’LL MESSAGE YOU LATER.  
GC: IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME THEN, FEEL FREE TO DO SO.  
GC: GOD KNOWS I’VE TALKING YOUR EARS OFF MORE THAN ENOUGH TIMES.  


GA: Alright I Will Be Sure To Do That  


GC: OH, AND KANAYA?  


GA: Yes Karkat  


GC: <>  


GA: <>

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like, twice as long as my other chapters, which is fantastic because it probably means that future chapters will be longer as well. Which means that the updates will take longer, but you will get longer chapters. Also, formatting pesterlogs has kind of become a calming activity. It's nice.


	4. The Memes Won't Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably should have edited this more, but whatever. It won't really change future events that much. (watch that become beautiful, beautiful irony) Just. Here. Take this page I barfed on. Enjoy.

You could handle a lot of things nowadays. Annoying customers, your own mistakes, even some dick making a video about a rant you sent him. All of that you could handle perfectly fine, thank you very much!

But this, this was too much. This has to be your breaking point.

Because now there were memes.

Memes were covering your dashboard. Left and right, everywhere you went, all you saw were memes based on the shitty, incoherent rant you sent cogsinthegodshead.

It was combined with other memes, people quote it often, and it became a copypasta with the same level as the fucking Bee Movie.

You were trying to breathe, but the moment you saw a half naked man with the phrase “both of my sticks are erect and ready for your viewing pleasure” is when you lost it completely.

You were about one second away from saying “fuck it” and sending cogsinthegodshead another angry rant when Trollian notified you of a message.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GC: HOLY SH1T K4RK4T  
GC: H4V3 YOU S33N TH1S M3M3?  
GC: CR4BBY.pdf  
GC: 1T’S TOT4LLY YOU  
GC: D1D YOU H4PP3N TO S3ND 4N 4NGRY M3SS4G3 TO TH3 ON3 4ND ONLY D4V3 ST1D3R?  


CG: YES, I’VE SEEN THE FUCKING MEME.  
CG: IT’S AWFUL AND HORRIBLE.  
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK IS DAVE STRIDER?  


GC: 1T’S 4N 4M4Z1NG M3M3  
GC: 4ND D4V3 STR1D3R 1S TH3 ON3 WHO SP4RK3D TH3 M3M3  
GC: YOU NOW, COGS1NTH3GODSH34D  


CG: OH GOD, THAT DOUCHEBAG.  


GC: SO YOU’V3 H34RD OF H1M >:]  


CG: I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.  


GC: YOU GU3SS?  
GC: K4RK4T  
GC: YOU N33D TO B3 HON3ST W1TH M3  
GC: D1D YOU WR1T3 TH4T R4NT?  


CG: THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT MAY BE THE CASE.  


GC: HOLY SH1T K4RK4T  
GC: 1 C4N’T B3L13V3 YOU D1D TH4T  


CG: IT’S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO IT DOESN’T MATTER  


GC: DO YOU W4NT H1S CHUMH4NDL3  


CG: WHAT?  


GC: DO  
GC: YOU  
GC: W4NT  
GC: H1S  
GC: CHUMH4NDL3  
GC: ?  


CG: WHOSE CHUMHANDLE?  


GC: D4V3’S OF COURS3!  


CG: …  
CG: TEREZI, WHAT ABOUT THAT I THINK HE’S A HUGE DOUCHE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?  


GC: TH3 P4RT WH3R3 D4V3 1S SUP3R COOL  
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU DON’T W4NT H1S CHUMH4NDL3?  


CG: FUCK NO  


GC: 1’LL JUST L34V3 1T H3R3 FOR YOU  
GC: JUST 1N C4S3  
GC: TURNT3CHGODH34D  
GC: BUT W1THOUT TH3 TYP1NG QU1RK  


CG: AER;OUFWNKVDRFUWE  
CG: *FUCK NO*

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

GC: H3H3H3H3H3

You find yourself being messaged by yet another one of your friends and wonder if you’re going to be messaged about the exact same thing Terezi messaged you about.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TA: kk, have you 2een the new meme buzziing around?  
TA: iit 2ound2 exactly liike you  


CG: I CAN’T FUCKING *BELIEVE* YOU ARE THE SECOND PERSON TO MESSAGE ME ABOUT THIS.  
CG: YES, I’VE SEEN THE MEME.  
CG: IT’S HORRIBLE AND AWFUL AND EMBARRASSING  


TA: are you 2ayiing that you are the one who wrote the rant?  
TA: holy 2hiit, tha2 amazing  
TA: ii have to tell tz  


CG: DON’T BOTHER; SHE ALREADY KNOWS.  


TA: damniit.  
TA: gue22 iill ju2t go back to programmiing.  


CG: NO, NO, NO.  
CG: YOU GET BACK HERE.  
CG: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN FIRMLY IN TAHT CHAIR AND GET COMFY  
CG: BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HAD THE CHANCE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THESE MEMES YET.  


TA: go two 2omeone else, liike ga.  
TA: ii dont feel liike dealiing wiith your problem2 riight now.  


CG: FINE.  
CG: I’LL GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO COMPLAIN TO.  


TA: thank2

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You wanted to bang your head on the table. So you did. Until yet another one of your friends decided that it would be a great fucking time to message you.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?  


CA: wwell you see ivve got these problems  
CA: romantic problems  


CG: OH THANK GOD.  
CG: YOU’RE NOT MESSAGING ME ABOUT MEMES LIKE FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE.  
CG: WHAT QUADRANT IS IT?  


CA: thats my problem kar  
CA: im not sure  
CA: the feelins i havve are all mixin up an confusin me  
CA: i just dont knoww wwhat im feelin here  


CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK *I* WOULD KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS ARE RAMPAGING THROUGH YOUR BLOOD-PUSHER?  


CA: i dont knoww youre the romantic expert here  


CG: I CAN’T REALLY HELP YOU OUT VERY MUCH IF I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK YOUR FEELINGS ARE.  
CG: OR EVEN WHO THEY ARE FOR.  


CA: im not really comfortable sharing wwho my feelins are for right noww  
CA: i just need some help figurin out what these feelins evven are  
CA: and howw i should act on them  


CG: WELL, I WOULDN’T ADVISE ACTING OUT ON ANY OF YOUR FEELINGS IF YOU DON’T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT THOSE FEELINGS ARE ABOUT.  
CG: IT WILL JUST GIVE THE PERSON YOU ARE COURTING A SHIT TON OF MIXED SIGNALS.  
CG: AND THAT’S NOT A GOOD BASIS FOR *ANY* RELATIONSHIP.  


CA: i guess youre right kar  
CA: i still dont knoww wwhat to do  


CG: DON’T DO ANYTHING.  
CG: NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA OF IF YOUR FEELINGS ARE BLACK, RED, PALE, OR ASHEN.  
CG: ALTHOUGH, IT’S PRESUMABLY NOT ASHEN OR PALE, NOT THAT YOU SPECIFIED VERY MUCH ABOUT WHAT KIND OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS YOU’VE ACQUIRED.  
CG: BUT YOU DON’T USUALLY COME TO ME FOR ADVICE ABOUT THE CONCILIATORY QUADRANTS.  
CG: BUT, SERIOUSLY, DON’T MAKE ANY MOVES UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.  
CG: AND ONCE YOU FIGURE IT OUT, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR ADVANCES SUBTLE, ALRIGHT?  
CG: USUALLY I WOULD RECOMMEND A LESS SUBTLE APPROACH, BUT YOU’RE ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A TRAIN WRECK.  
CG: NO OFFENSE.  


CA: some taken  
CA: but i guess youre right as always kar  
CA: i suppose i can be a little…  
CA: ovverbearing  


CG: THAT’S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.  
CG: ANYWAY, I HAVE YET ANOTHER PERSON DECIDING TO PESTER ME, SO I’LL BE GOING NOW.  
CG: MESSAGE ME AGAIN WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE OF YOUR CLUSTERFUCK OF FEELINGS.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TC: WhAt’s uP My bRo  
TC: We hAvEn’t aLl uP AnD MoThEr fUcKiN TaLkEd iN A LoNg aSs tImE  
TC: hOw hAs iT BeEn gOiNg fOr yOu  
TC: I’Ve jUsT BeEn oVeR HeRe dOiNg mY OwN ThInG  
TC: jUsT BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiN DoInG WhAt fEeLs rIgHt yOu kNoW  


CG: HUH, I GUESS IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.  
CG: IT’S BEEN GOING OKAY FOR ME.  
CG: COULD BE BETTER, BUT WHEN CAN’T IT BE BETTER.  
CG: ANYWAY, GAMZEE, I’M SORRY FOR CUTTING THIS CONVERSATION SHORT, BUT I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING TO WORK RIGHT ABOUT NOW.  


TC: iT’S AlL GoOd mOtHeRfUcKeR  


CG: BYE

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

You get off your ass and hall over to work. Same old, same old. Maybe after work Kanaya will be up for listening to you rant about the goddamned memes for an hour or so.

You make a note to ask her if anything is wrong or if she wants to talk about anything with you because you have told her about your problems and ranted to her for god knows how long, and you feel bad about possibly neglecting any problems she may be having.

Rose came back to presumably get her dress, which she did end up doing, but she and Kanaya spent way longer than it would have taken simply to get a dress and do transactions. You wonder if the two of them want to become friends or even something more. And if they do decide to pursue something more than friendship, of what quadrant would it be. Most likely a flushed romance, since that is the typically romance humans indulge in, and Kanaya is already taken when it comes to pale romance.

You can’t be completely sure unless you question her about it.

By the end of your shift, you are exhausted but determined to spend some time with Kanaya.

“Hey, Kanaya. Is there anything you wanted to talk about?” You ask her once the store closes.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything really. I’ve been talking about my own problems and feelings a lot recently, but I feel like you haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about yours.”

“Oh! Well…” A blush rose to Kanaya’s cheeks. “I suppose there are things I want to talk about, but I did hear about you having a certain distaste for some memes going around?”

“Those memes are a blight on humanity's existence, but I can complain about that later. I suggest we get into the pile and have a good old-fashioned feelings jam.”

“Alright. If you insist.”

The two of you get into a pile of various fabric rolls and threads. Most of it was the cheaper fabrics since Kanaya always made sure that the nicer fabrics were put away properly since they were expensive, and it would be awful to ruin them during a particularly intense feelings jam.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” You ask, holding Kanaya’s hand.

“Let’s see… Where do I begin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter ends right before Kanaya and Karkat get into a feelings jam because I didn't feel like writing it.


	5. Dave Is Just A Huge Flustered Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly love writing Dave and Rose pesterlogs. They're just so fun to write.

You were just finished updating your SBaHJ comics when you saw that your sister was pestering you.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Hello, Dave.  


TG: whats up rose  


TT: I would like to invite you to go with me on an outing to a certain clothing store.  


TG: for the last time i dont want to get a suit and theres nothing you can do to make me go  
TG: what do i even need a suit for  
TG: i never go anywhere fancy enough to warrant wearing a suit  
TG: theyre also uncomfortable as hell  
TG: all itchy and scratchy and constricting and shit  


TT: You only think that because you’ve only worn cheap suits.  
TT: And besides, I can easily convince you to come with me.  


TG: bullshit  
TG: there is absolutely nothing you could say or do that could possibly make me go with you  
TG: ill chain myself to the inside of my room  
TG: you cant possibly break the lock even if you had ten thousand locksmiths  
TG: theyre all going to be like  
TG: miss lalonde why are you trying so fucking hard to get this guy out of his room  
TG: why cant you just leave him alone  
TG: and youll go on this spiel about how i need a suit  
TG: theyll be ten thousand miles away in a goddamn flash  
TG: knowing that suits are awful as fuck  
TG: so no rose  
TG: there couldnt possibly be even a single thing that could make me move an inch to go with you to a store to get a suit  


TT: It’s a very nice store.  
TT: There is a plethora of clothing items to chose from there.  
TT: There also happens to be a cute boy who works there.  


TG: …  
TG: …  
TG: …  
TG: how cute  
TG: like are we talking astronomical levels of cute  
TG: like one wrong move could set my heart aflame  
TG: or is he passing a random stranger and giving them a spare glance cute  


TT: He has messy hair, small horns, and he looks like he could be able to give you the best hugs imaginable.  


TG: my bloodpusher is already in hyperdrive  
TG: where do i sign up  
TG: i mean  
TG: nope still not going  
TG: i refuse  
TG: no matter how cute that guy sounds  
TG: i absolutely refuse  


TT: You’ll come with me eventually.  
TT: No matter how much I have to wear you down.  


TG: wow way to sound super creepy  
TG: why are you even so insistent on me going to this store anyway  
TG: youve never been this insistant before  
TG: even pulled out the cute guy thing on me  
TG: i bet you just made up that guy to try and get me to come  


TT: I assure you that he is, in fact, as real as you and me.  
TT: And why I am so insistent on you going is of none of your concern.  


TG: is there a cute girl who works there and youre just using me as an excuse to see her again  


TT: ...  


TG: holy shit  
TG: you really do have a crush on her  
TG: whats her name  
TG: come on rose  
TG: you cant avoid the question forever  
TG: tell me tell me tell me tell me  
TG: at least tell me what she looks like good god  
TG: okay you got me  
TG: if you tell me her name and what she looks like i swear that i will go with you to the store  
TG: ill even let you get me a suit  


TT: What do you swear on?  


TG: i swear on the monkey paw in my dead things collection  


TT: A dangerous item to swear on.  
TT: I’ll accept it.  
TT: The contract is sealed. My blood has been used to finalize it.  


TG: goddamn it rose just tell me who your crush is  


TT: As if you don’t ramble on for an even lengthier amount of time than I did.  
TT: But I suppose I will hold my side of our deal.  
TT: Her name is Kanaya, and she owns the store I was speaking about.  
TT: She, by far, has one of the best fashion senses I have ever seen.  
TT: She’s intelligent and can analyze with the best of them.  
TT: She’s extraordinarily well-read, and the theories she has are like nothing I’ve ever heard.  
TT: Her horns are like daggers, her hair like silk. I could only dream of her lifting me off into the sunset.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: I seem to have gotten a little bit carried away there.  


TG: holy shit rose thats probably one of the gayest things ive read in a while  


TT: Yes, well, prose aside, you are now obligated to go with me to the store Kanaya owns.  
TT: I get to see Kanaya again, and you get a suit.  
TT: I’m killing two birds with one stone.  
TT: Not only that, but you get to meet a cute troll.  


TG: clearly the only upside  
TG: anyway what time is this place open  
TG: because i would like to get this over and done with as soon as possible  


TT: Good.  
TT: I’ll come over to pick you up in twenty minutes.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You decide to edit one of your videos during that time, and soon you hear the ring of your doorbell.

Your get up to answer the door, and there is your sister looking more dressed up than usual.

“You’re dressed up. Trying to impress Kanaya?” You tease.

“Oh, silence. It’s not like you didn’t get dressed better than usual because I informed you that the boy working at the store was cute.”

“Okay, okay! Uncle! I admit it. I took five minutes of my time to look slightly better than normal, but at least I’m able to admit that.”

“I’m going to put the radio on.” Rose said, putting on obnoxious pop music that you both have heard a hundred times.

“If you don’t think I can easily talk over this poor excuse for good music then you have clearly underestimated my ability to ramble on for hours upon hours on end to even myself. There doesn’t even have to be anyone there. I’ll just be over here vomiting any stray thought I have out onto the ground where anyone can see it.Now I have to clean up all this fucking vomit on the floor because it's stinking up the room, and wow. I completely forgot where I was going with any of this.

“We’re here.” Rose suddenly commented.

You stared at her for a solid thirty seconds.

“You played me for a goddamn fool.” You finally say. Rose simply smirked all knowing like as the two of you got out the car.

The two of you went into the store, which, oddly enough, smelled a lot like rosemary.

The store was colorful and seemed to have nearly any article of clothing a person could want. There was also a sign that advised against licking the clothes, which reminded you of Terezi.

But, the moment your eyes wondered over to the register, your heart stopped. It stopped and then sped up to double time. You think you forgot to breathe.

You think what Rose told you wasn’t nearly enough to properly prepare you for how cute this troll was. Saying that he was astronomically cute was the most major understatement anyone could ever possibly make.

And Rose was pulling you toward him. Oh god, do you look okay? Would you even be able to talk to him? Come on, Dave. Take a deep breath. Be cool.

“Hello, Karkat.” Rose greeted.

“Hello, Miss Lalonde. What do you need?”

“Polite as ever, but you can just call me Rose. However, I did come here for more than just exchanging pleasantries. I would like to see Kanaya about getting my brother, Dave, here a suit.”

“Alright. I’ll go get her for you.” Karkat left and soon afterward an elegant looking woman came out with Karkat.

“If you’ll come with me, I can get you measured.” The woman said.

“Thank you.” Rose responded, and the two of you went to the back with Kanaya.

You can’t believe you’re being forced to get measured with your sister and Kanaya flirting up a storm. It was honestly extremely embarrassing.

At long last, you were done being measured, and you bolted out of the room after telling Rose that she could pick out whatever kind of suit she wants. This may or may not have been a good decision on your part, but you were just glad you didn’t have to see your sister make goo-goo eyes at Kanaya for another minute.

However, you were now back in the store part of the store where the cute guy was. You had no idea how to even begin interacting with him, so you decided to look through the store. To be fair, the clothes looked like they were really well made, so you ended up picking a few items that you genuinely wanted to buy.

When you began making your way to the register, you were revisited with the problem of how to talk to the cute boy there.

You were already going towards the counter, so it wasn’t like you could just go back and look through the store some more, so you resigned yourself to your death.

“Um, yeah, I’d like to buy this if you would be so kind. You know, because these clothes are actually super cool, and they seem really well made, not that I would know anything, but based on what my sister says about the store, the clothes are exactly as choice as I think they are. Clearly, they are the best clothes sold from here to the ends of the universe. That’s how fantastic they are, holy shit, you know? Oh, shit, I’m rambling a lot, aren’t I? I do that a lot, especially if I’m nervous. I swear I’m not actually nervous. You’re just really cute. Fuck. Okay, just forget I called you cute, not that you aren’t. You are extremely attractive and cute, and shit, I probably sound super creepy right now. I swear I didn’t mean to. I-”

You went quiet when he began to laugh. You just stood there in a dumbstruck silence while he laughed. Eventually, he stopped and spoke.

“Oh my god. When you came in here, I just thought you were some kind of insufferable prick, but you’re actually nervous, so I guess I thought wrong.”

You weren’t really able to respond due to being caught off guard by the laughter. The sound of footsteps came closer until the door was slammed open.

“I heard laughter, Karkat, what is it that you are laughing at?” Kanaya questioned.

“Did you just run over here because you heard me laugh?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you have a customer to work with?”

“Yes, but you do not genuinely laugh similarly to that quite nearly as often enough, so I decided to come over to where you were to find out what caused you to laugh so uproariously. However, all I see is Rose’s brother, who I have been informed has a very poor sense of humor that is based heavily in the art of irony.”

“Are you saying I’m not funny?” You finally manage to say something, and, of course, it isn’t even to the troll you were flustered over.

“Although I am incapable of being absolutely certain of the fact due to my not knowing you very well, but the way Rose described your humor left much to be desired.”

“Kanaya, you really should be getting back to talking to Rose.” Karkat said.

“All right, all right. But you will talk to me later, correct?”

“Of course I will.”

Kanaya left, and Karkat turned to face Dave.

“Wow. I can’t believe my own flesh and blood would betray me like this. What kind of sibling even tells someone else that her dear brother has a shitty sense of humor. And Kanaya over there just ripped me a fucking new one, holy shit.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s just her sense of humor shining through.” Karkat responded. “Now could you please pay for the clothes you just bought?”

“Oh! Yeah, alright.” You fumble for your wallet and give him your credit card to pay for the items. He neatly puts them in a bag and hands them to you along with the receipt.

You take a moment to write your chumhandle down on the receipt, along with a little message saying to be sure to contact you.

Rose finally comes out of the room where Kanaya was.

“Are you ready to leave, Dave?”

“Hell fucking yeah, I am.”

Before the two of you leave, you ‘accidentally’ leave the receipt with Karkat, and you can hear him yelling at you once you leave the store.

“So, how was your meeting with Karkat?”

“Come one, Rose. You know I’m suave as shit. Smoother than butter, that’s what I say. People spread me and they’re like, ‘holy shit I can’t believe how fucking smooth this is.’ That’s how goddamned smooth I am and how I was.”

“Is that code for you becoming a flustered mess around any cute guy you meet?”

“Shut up.”

“Did you at least get his contact information or give him your own?” Rose questioned.

“Yeah, I wrote my chumhandle on the receipt and left it there. I have no idea if he will actually message me or anything. Probably not based on how much of a mess I was.”

“So that’s why he was yelling at us when we left. But you can try to hold on to some semblance of hope that he will willingly contact you.”

“I guess that’s better than nothing, but I am not going to expect much.”

Once you got home, you got on the computer to pester Terezi.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: tz holy shit i need to tell you something  


GC: WH4T 1S 1T D4V3?  


TG: i just met this guy okay  
TG: super cute and i even made him laugh like holy fuck  
TG: and all i was doing was rambling on for forever like i usually do  
TG: especially because he was extremely cute and my brain just couldnt compute with the cuteness  
TG: and he just started laughing  
TG: and then the owner of the fucking store came running to see what was so funny  
TG: apparently he doesnt laugh much  
TG: and then she insulted my sense of humor  
TG: like why do you have to ripe on a dudes humor like that  


GC: HOW B4D W4S TH3 BURN?  


TG: it was so fucking bad  
TG: had to get cold water poured on it immediately afterwards  
TG: went to the hospital and i was on the emergency track  
TG: thats how fucking bad it was  


GC: 1 C4NT B3L1V3 SOM3ON3 4CTU4LLY D1D TH4T  


TG: i know right  


GC: BUT ON 4 S1D3 NOT3  
GC: HOW CUT3 W4S TH3 BOY AND HOW MUCH OF 4 M3SS OF YOURS3LF D1D YOU M4K3?  


TG: the guy was extremely cute  
TG: massively cute  
TG: so cute that im gonna have to look up synonyms of cute merely to give you the basic rundown of how cute he is  
TG: endearing adorable lovable sweet lovely appealing engaging delightful dear darling winning winsome attractive pretty good looking handsome attractive gorgeous  
TG: some of these dont really make sense but you get the idea  
TG: this boys cuteness is nothing to be trifled with  


GC: H3 SOUNDS D3L1C1OUS  
GC: D1D YOU G3T H1S NUMB3R  
GC: OR P3ST3RCHUM H4NDL3 OR TROLL H4NDL3  
GC: WH4T3V3R H3 US3S  


TG: i gave him my pesterchum handle but i dont even know if he will even bother messaging me  
TG: or shit if he even uses pesterchum or trollian or whatever  


GC: H3 PROBABLY DO3S  
GC: MOST P3OPL3 DO B3C4US3 1TS E4SY TO US3  
GC: 4ND 1 COULD NOT S33 WHY H3 WOULDNT W4NT TO CONT4CT YOU  
GC: BOTH B3CAUS3 YOU 4R3 SUP3R COOL 4ND B3C4USE 1 4M BL1ND 4ND TH3R3FOR3 C4NT S33  


TG: shit i guess youre right as always pyrope  


GC: 1TS 4 SP3C14LTY OF M1N3 >:]  
GC: B31NG R1GHT TH4T 1S  


TG: solid facts are being brought up here  
TG: completely frozen and strong enough to stay as a goddamned solid or however the fuck that works  
TG: facts that cant even be disputed like at all  
TG: because that would be just blasphemy  
TG: anyway im kind of hungry so im going to go eat  
TG: see ya tz  


GC: SM3LL YOU L4T3R COOL K1D

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to decide when I wanted this meeting to happen: before or after Karkat messages Dave, so I guess I ended up deciding before.  
> Also, Edit: *casually adds pesterlog between dave and terezi right after posting chapter*


	6. A Message At Long Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is much easier to be cool over messaging than in real life

It had been days since you saw the cute guy, and you have basically given up any sort of hope that he would actually message you.

To be fair, it had only been one or two days, but still. Anyway, you still had stuff to work on, so there really wasn’t any use in moping about a cute guy you talked to for a grand total of four minutes and thirteen seconds.

Someone was pestering you, so you decided to answer, only to find that it was a handle you didn’t recognize.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING *BELIEVE* THAT YOU ARE THE SAME FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT TEREZI GAVE ME THE CHUMHANDLE TO.  
CG: I WASN’T GOING TO TROLL A DUMBASS LIKE THAT, SO I DIDN’T FOR WEEKS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A STUPID WASTE OF THE PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME I HAVE LEFT.  
CG: AND YET, HERE I AM.  
CG: MESSAGING YOU.  
CG: BECAUSE I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETELY AWFUL PERSON.  
CG: ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I’M THE GUY WHO WORKS AT ROSEMARY.  
CG: YOU KNOW, THE STORE YOU WENT TO GET A SUIT AT.  


TG: holy shit you actually messaged me  
TG: this is the best goddamned day of my entire life  
TG: ive been blessed with your presence  


CG: DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE.  


TG: you seem a lot more angry over text though  


CG: IN CASE YOU FAILED TO NOTICE, I WAS AT WORK WHEN I MET YOU.  
CG: I WAS ACTING “PROFESSIONAL.”  
CG: PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY TAKE KINDLY TO OTHERS YELLING INSULTS AND CURSE WORDS INTO THEIR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS  


TG: so are you always this angry when youre not at work  


CG: YES.  


TG: goddamn  
TG: also, you know tz???  


CG: YEAH, SHE’S A CHILDHOOD FRIEND, AND SHE ALSO DEMANDED TO GIVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE DESPITE ME SAYING THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID *NOT* WANT IT.  
CG: BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE ANYWAY, SO IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERED.  


TG: wait but why did she give you my chumhandle in the first place  
TG: did she just up and decide that we needed to be friends because she and me are friends and so are you and her  


CG: NO. SHE GAVE IT TO ME BECAUSE I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NEW FUCKING MEMES GOING AROUND THAT ARE BASED ON A VIDEO YOU MADE.  
CG: I COULD MAYBE HANDLE THE VIDEO.  
CG: IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY, AND KANAYA SAID I SHOULD TRY LAUGHING AT MY PAST MISTAKES INSTEAD OF GETTING ANGRY AT THEM.  
CG: BUT THE MEMES. OH GOD THE MEMES.  
CG: THEY WERE THE MOST HORRIFIC THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT THING TO ACCOMPLISH, SO I GUESS I AM FORCED TO GIVE PROPS TO THAT.  
CG: BUT THAT DOES NOT NEGATE THE ESTABLISHED *FACT* THAT THEY ARE THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY EXISTENCE.  
CG: THEY MAKE ME WANT TO STAB MY EYES OUT AND BE BLIND FOR THE REST OF MY WAKING LIFE.  
CG: I WON’T EVEN GET TEREZI TO TEACH ME HOW TO SEE BECAUSE THAT WOULD ENABLE ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A WHIFF OF THE SHIT PEOPLE PUT ON THE INTERNET.  
CG: I’LL JUST GO THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BEING PERFECTLY FUCKING CONTENT WITH BEING ABLE TO SEE JACK SHIT.  


TG: are you the guy who sent me that ten page rant then  
TG: because that was fucking amazing  
TG: best goddamn thing i ever seen  
TG: highlight of the year  


CG: IF THOSE GOD-FORSAKEN MEMES BECOME THE MEME OF THE YEAR, I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO MURDER YOU IN THE MOST SLOW AND PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE.  


TG: ouch  
TG: guess im going to have to resign myself to my death  
TG: because that meme is the best  
TG: it will live on for generations  
TG: it will never get old  
TG: we will be on the edge of death all wrinkled and dying of whatever old people die of  
TG: like a heart attack or something  
TG: and then i will turn to the nearest person and speak with my dying breath  
TG: “maybe one day my death will come so i never have to look at your god-forsaken channel ever again, you complete and utter douche muffin”  
TG: and then theyll start laughing because they love that fucking meme  
TG: memorized the entire goddamned thing  
TG: it will be taught in schools  
TG: kids will have to recite an excerpt of it to the class  
TG: analyze the shit out of it  
TG: where does all this guys anger come from  
TG: nobody knows  
TG: theyll just have to guess until theyre blue in the face  


CG: THE WORDS. THEY DON’T STOP.  
CG: I’VE JUST BEEN OVER HERE POLITELY WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BURN YOURSELF OUT.  
CG: BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO ON FOR UNTIL AFTER THE UNIVERSE END UNLESS SOMEONE SHUTS YOU UP.  
CG: AND CLEARLY THE UNIVERSE HAS GRANTED ME THIS VERY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR ALL ETERNITY.  


TG: clearly the greatest honor to ever be granted to someone  
TG: the privilege to tell the dave strider to shut his pothole  


CG: SHUT YOUR POTHOLE.  


TG: hahahaha  
TG: on a completely different note what even made you write a ten page rant about my channel anyways  


CG: MOSTLY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A STUPID CHANNEL.  
CG: BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT WAS THREE AM, AND I HADN’T SLEPT FOR A WHILE.  


TG: so what youre telling me is  
TG: you *actually* sent me a ten page rant when you were that sleep deprived  
TG: no wonder it was so incoherent  


CG: I COULD PROBABLY HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER IF I WASN’T SO TIRED.  
CG: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST GODDAMNED PIECE OF WRITING IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE  
CG: NOTHING ELSE COULD EVER COMPETE TO THE MASTERPIECE I WOULD HAVE CREATED.  
CG: HOWEVER, INSTEAD, MY PAST SELF, AND BY THAT I MEAN *MYSELF*, WRITES A HEAPING PILE OF FESTERING SHIT.  


TG: point taken  
TG: the question here is  
TG: will you ever write this masterpiece  
TG: will i ever get the pleasure of reading this glorious piece of hate mail directed towards yours truly  


CG: NO.  


TG: wow harsh  
TG: shut down immediately  
TG: didnt even get to go on a weirdly personal tangent  
TG: would have been fantastic  
TG: i have no conceivable idea of where it would have gone  
TG: but i can guarantee it would have been the second best thing in the universe  
TG: second only to the hypothetical rewrite of the glorious hate mail that you sent me  


CG: AND IT WILL STAY HYPOTHETICAL FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.  
CG: I REFUSE TO EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.  
CG: HOW DID I EVEN GET TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I AM MESSAGING YOU.  
CG: OH, WAIT. NOW I REMEMBER.  
CG: IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN PERSON.  
CG: CLEARLY THAT DOES NOT TRANSFER OVER TO TEXT.  


TG: im hurt karkat  


CG: SUCK IT UP, DINGUS.  


TG: dave actually  
TG: i dont know if i actually introduced myself to you  


CG: I DON’T THINK YOU DID EITHER.  
CG: ALTHOUGH, I THINK YOUR SISTER INTRODUCED YOU, BUT IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I DIDN’T ACTUALLY CATCH YOUR NAME WHEN SHE SAID IT.  
CG: IT’S A MIRACLE YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MY NAME.  


TG: what can i say im good with names  
TG: and also multiple people said it in my presence so i guess there is also that  


CG: I GUESS  


TG: …  


CG: …  


TG: …  


CG: …  


CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE BOTH OF US ARE OUT OF THINGS TO SAY FOR ONCE.  


TG: huh  
TG: i suppose so  
TG: …  


CG: I GUESS YOU COULD PESTER ME IF YOU EVER FIND SOMETHING TO RUN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT.  
CG: OR I’LL TROLL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER.  
CG: LATER THOUGH.  
CG: BYE.  


TG: see ya

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You sigh, a bit sad that the conversation ended, and then you immediately decide to inform others of this happening.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose rose youll never guess what happened

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TG: i guess you will never guess what happened since you arent even hear to guess  
TG: what are you even doing  
TG: please dont tell me you went into your writing bunker  
TG: if you did i wont be able to talk to you for at least a week if not more  
TG: and no one else will be able to either  
TG: what if kanaya tries to message you  
TG: assuming you actually exchanged contact information  
TG: how long ago did you even do that  
TG: how could you not tell your own brother that you got a girls chumhandle  
TG: have you asked her out yet  
TG: it would be great if you were on a date instead of in the writing bunker  
TG: then people could actually contact you and you wouldnt be completely isolating yourself from the rest of the world other than brief trips outside to get food  
TG: anyway karkat messaged me and we had a conversation  
TG: i would tell you more about it but it seems you are an idle chum  
TG: pester me later if you want the details

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: tz youll never guess what just happened  


GC: 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 4 W1LD GU3SS 4ND S4Y TH4T K4RK4T F1N4LLY GOT 4ROUND TO M3SS4G1NG YOU  


TG: youd be correct  
TG: how did you know  
TG: i mean i know that he got my chumhandle from you but also he refused to message me for weeks  


GC: 1 H4V3 4 C3RT41N T4L3NT FOR KNOW1NG TH3S3 SORTS OF TH1NGS  
GC: 4ND 4LSO K4RK4T 1S Y3LL1NG 4T M3 1N 4NOTH3R CH4T  
GC: 1 H4V3 OPT3D TO 1GNOR3 H1M FOR NOW  
GC: 4NYW4Y, WH4T D1D YOU TWO T4LK 4BOUT  


TG: we talked about memes  


CG: M3M3S?  


TG: yes memes  
TG: specifically the memes that erupted after the rant video  


GC: OF COURS3  
GC: H3 W4S V3RY 4NGRY 4BOUT THOS3  
GC: WH1CH R3M1NDS M3, WHY D1D H3 M3SS4G3 YOU 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1F H3 W4S SO 4G41NST 1T B3FOR3?  


TG: okay so remember the cute boy i was talking about like two days ago  


GC: Y34H  


TG: that was karkat  


GC: …  
GC: …  
GC: …  


TG: terezi??  
TG: did i actually break you or do you just need a moment to process the information i just gave you  
TG: yo tz i need some confirmation that you did not just die from an overload of information  
TG: hit me up with your response  
TG: are you alive  


GC: NO  


TG: thank god youre not dead  


GC: TH4TS WH4T TH3 GOV3RNM3NT W4NTS YOU TO TH1NK  


TG: shit youre right  
TG: the government is doing all this nasty shit and now they are making it so we think we arent dead  
TG: how do we know the government isnt dead though  


GC: SHHHHHH  
GC: TH3S3 4R3 TOP S3CR3T GOV3RNM3NT S3CR3TS YOUR3 SPR34D1NG 4BOUT  
GC: YOUV3 GOT TO B3 MOR3 D1SCR3T3  


TG: discrete is my middle name  


GC: NO, YOUR3 M1DDL3 N4M3 1S 3L1Z4B3TH  


TG: shit you got me there  


GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 4BOUT 4S D1SCR3T3 4S 4 TR41N CR4SH  
GC: YOU COULDNT BE D1SCR3T3 1F YOUR L1F3 D3P3ND3D ON 1T  


TG: those are some harsh words  


GC: 4R3 TH3Y WRONG?  


TG: …  


GC: 1 R3ST MY C4S3  
GC: 4NYW4Y, W3 H4V3 GOTT3N 3NT1IR3LY OFF TR4CK FROM TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON 4T H4ND  
GC: R3G4RDL3SS OF HOW MUCH FUN W3 W3R3 H4V1NG W1TH TH1S S3CR3CY T4LK  
GC: WH4T 4BOUT K4RK4T M33T1NG YOU 1N R34L L1F3 CH4NG3D H1S M1ND 4BOUT M3SS4G1NG YOU?  


TG: i honestly dont know for sure but he said something about me actually not seeming like a complete douchebag in real life  


GC: M4K3S S3NS3 W1TH HOW FLUST3R3D 1 4M 4SSUM1NG YOU W3R3  
GC: TH3 GUY W4S COMPL41N1NG HOW YOU W3R3 COMPL3T3LY MONOTON3 1N 4LL OF YOUR V1D3OS  
GC: 4ND TH3N H3 S33S YOU H4V3 4N 4CTU4L 3MOT1ON >:O  
GC: 3SP3C14LLY 4N 3MOT1ON WH3R3 YOU SHOW TH4T YOU L1K3 H1M  
GC: TH3 GUY 1S 4 SUCK3R FOR ROM4NC3  
GC: NOV3LS 4ND MOV13S 4L1K3  


TG: holy fuck  
TG: i cant believe i kind of flirted with a hopeless romantic  


GC: 1 HOP3 YOU DONT TH1NK TH4T H3 W1LL D4T3 YOU JUST B3C4US3 OF TH4T  


TG: of course not  
TG: im not some goddamned creeper  
TG: if he doesnt want to date me thats fine  
TG: it would be great to be friends with him at least  
TG: i had fun talking to him earlier  


GC: D4V3  


TG: what  


GC: 1S TH4T 4N 3MOT1ON 1 SM3LL?  


TG: oh my god tz we are not doing this for the hundredth time  
TG: we get it  
TG: i  
TG: the cool kid  
TG: has emotions like every other human being on the planet  
TG: its not such a surprise anymore  


GC: YOU H4V3 4N 3N1R3 GRUBTUB3 CH4NN3L D3D1C4T3D TO R3V13W1NG TH1NGS 1N TH3 MOST 3MOT1ONL3SS W4Y POSS1BL3  


TG: …  
TG: ok thats fair  


GC: BUT 1M W4RN1NG YOU NOW 4BOUT K4RK4TS LOV3 OF ROMCOMS  
GC: H3 W1LL T4LK 4T L3NGTH 4BOUT TH3M 4ND TH3R3 1S ABSOLUT3LY NOTH1NG YOU C4N DO TO PR3V3NT TH4T FROM H4PP3N1NG  
GC: SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G1V3 UP HOP3 NOW  


TG: god damn  
TG: and here i was  
TG: woefully unprepared for the potential onslaught of romcoms  
TG: and then you come along  
TG: with all your future knowledge and shit like a some kind of seer or something  
TG: and allowed me to arm myself with the knowledge that karkat really fucking loves romcoms  
TG: thank you for you have done a great deed  


GC: JUST W41T UNT1L H3 FORC3S YOU TO W4TCH TH3M  


TG: is that a thing he does  
TG: aggressively shoves romcoms into his friends faces  
TG: how are yall still sane  


GC: 4T SOM3 PO1NT YOU L34RN TO 4CC3PT YOUR F4T3 B3C4US3 1T 1S E4S13R 1N TH3 LONG RUN  
GC: 4ND T4K3S UP L3SS T1M3  
GC: YOU C4N 4LSO JUST F4LL 4SL33P DUR1NG TH3 MOV13  
GC: K4RK4T W1LL B3 TOO 1NTO TH3 MOV13 TO 4CTU4LLY C4R3  


TG: good to know  
TG: i thank you for the sheer amount of wisdom you hold  


GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3  
GC: OH 1 H4V3 TO GO NOW  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 D4T3  
GC: >;]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: wait hold on who are you going on a date with  
TG: shit  
TG: youre already gone  
TG: ill weasel the truth out of you sooner or later  
TG: or i guess youll just tell me  
TG: same difference really  
TG: or maybe not  
TG: whatever  
TG: case still stands that i will find out who you are going on a date with  
TG: i want details  
TG: except maybe not really  
TG: i would rather a brief overview of the date if that is possible  
TG: please dont go into weird tangents about how much you licked them  
TG: because that would be awkward and weird  
TG: anyway  
TG: later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

You decide to take the remainder of the day to work on some more videos. After all, you know Terezi will probably tell you who she went on a date with sooner or later, and Karkat said he might message you in the future. You can't help but smile at that. He was fun to talk to, so it would be nice to hear from him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter was mostly pesterlogs that kicked my ass.


	7. Literary Device Kingdoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is fun to write because he gets distracted just as easily as I do

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: roooooooose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: are you there  


TT: Yes, Dave, I am here.  
TT: And it seems like you have adapted John’s penchant for using eight letters at a time for emphasis on various words.  


TG: what really  
TG: goddamn it  


TT: Yes, this appears to be a despicable habit that we must rid you of.  


TG: please do  
TG: i dont want a total of eight letters exactly all the time to haunt me for the rest of my life  
TG: but that isnt what i came here to talk about  


TT: Did you perhaps pester me to inform me of your previous conversation with Karkat?  


TG: hell yeah i did  


TT: I only assumed because that is what you were bugging me about previously.  


TG: that is a pretty good assumption to make  
TG: anyway the conversation i had with karkat was really nice  
TG: hes a lot shoutier over text than voice  
TG: he types in all caps like holy shit  
TG: so angry  
TG: does some long ass metaphors  
TG: im still the best at them but karkat may be shooting for my place on the throne  
TG: make a note to watch out for that  


TT: It has been noted.  


TG: thank you for that rose  
TG: best goddamned advisor i ever had  
TG: i trust you completely  
TG: wow i sound like one of those kings that trust their shitty and evil advisor without a single thought that their advisor could potentially want to overthrow them  
TG: are you going to take over my kingdom rose  


TT: I have no interest in ruling the Kingdom of Metaphors.  
TT: I am perfectly happy here in my “Palace of Prose.”  


TG: thank fucking god  
TG: i dont think i could handle a rebellion  
TG: shits dangerous you know  
TG: do each of us get a literary device kingdom  
TG: if i have the kingdom of metaphors and you get the palace of prose  
TG: which is an awesome name btw  
TG: like is john the king of hyperbole  
TG: or jade the queen of personification  
TG: do they get kingdoms  
TG: are they opposing kingdoms  
TG: or are they all good friends and shit  
TG: does every single literary device get a kingdom or is only major ones  
TG: these are important questions here rose  


TT: I’m not sure if John would be suited to the role of ruling over the hyperbole commonwealth.  
TT: I’m certain he would need to have some sort of training first.  
TT: He would need to become the heir to the kingdom.  
TT: Or he should rule over some other literary device.  


TG: that makes me wonder what literary device he would rule over  
TG: hold up let me pull up a list  
TG: holy shit there are a lot of literary devices  
TG: i dont know what half this stuff is  
TG: shit ton of different types of irony  
TG: what the fuck is a zeugma  


TT: A zeugma is a literary device that is both literal and metaphorical.  
TT: For example, “they covered themselves in dust and glory.”  


TG: thats actually pretty cool  


TT: Quite.  


TG: what were we even talking about before all this literary device nonsense.  


TT: I believe you were talking about the conversation you shared with Karkat.  


TG: oh yeah  
TG: but yeah hes super long winded and his metaphors are actual works of art  
TG: he was actually the guy who wrote the top quality hate mail i received  


TT: Really?  


TG: yeah really isnt that fucking fantastic  
TG: you wouldnt have expected it if you were just talking to him in real life  
TG: but over messaging holy shit  
TG: absolutely glorious  
TG: he should really do something with that talent  
TG: write a fucking novel or some shit  


TT: I would never have expected Karkat to be so…  


TG: angry  
TG: long winded  
TG: creative with his words  


TT: Yes.  
TT: He always seems so nice and professional.  
TT: Then again, I’ve only ever seen him at work, so I suppose I don’t exactly have the most accurate idea of what his personality is actually like.  


TG: you also just spend your time flirting with kanaya  


TT: The flirting is consensual.  


TG: what are you two dating now  


TT: Yes, actually.  


TG: holy shit  
TG: did you go on a date  
TG: is that why you couldnt respond to my message  
TG: i need a brief overview of what happened stat  


TT: Nothing much, really.  
TT: All we did was go out to lunch and walk around the park for a little while.  
TT: It was nice.  


TG: that sounds like a fantastic date  
TG: very casual like a first date should be  


TT: Agreed.  


TG: anyway how are you doing  
TG: done anything interesting lately  
TG: something other than writing your book  
TG: which one are you on anyway  
TG: like the fifth or something or other  
TG: you just have a large fucking amount of books that you have written  
TG: and you go into these modes where you dont talk to anyone unless its the cashier at the grocery store  


TT: I require food to survive, Dave.  
TT: But, yes, I have done something interesting lately.  
TT: Instead of writing a book, I opted for reading something.  


TG: what really  
TG: what are you reading  
TG: actually i dont think i want to know  
TG: knowing you its probably something weird with a shit ton of monsters and stuff  
TG: not really something im interested in  


TT: It's actually a novel that Kanaya recommended to me.  
TT: It's very interesting.  


TG: well i guess if its not about monsters eating each other or a huge ass monster talking above a whisper that murders everyone its fine  
TG: lay it on me  


TT: It's actually a series of books.  
TT: I'm only on the first one so far, but it holds a certain amount of charm to it.  


TG: well youre going to have to do more than just tell me that the book has a certain kind of charm  
TG: you might want to actually tell me about the book  


TT: Well, it's about a young girl who is being sent to finishing school by her family in order to become a lady.  
TT: However, the finishing school she is being sent to is not a normal finishing school.  
TT: It teaches a finishing of a different kind.  
TT: That is to say, it teaches young ladies to assassinate people as well as gather information.  


TG: holy shit  
TG: that was not the direction i was expecting that to go  


TT: I would recommend the book series to you.  
TT: You often like stories with a steampunk theme to them, and Kanaya stated that Etiquette and Espionage is a must read book for all those who love the steampunk genre.  


TG: i do have to say  
TG: i am a little bit interested in reading the book  
TG: i might just go to the bookstore and buy it  


TT: I knew you would be curious about it.  


TG: yeah well im interested because you said there was a steampunk theme to it  
TG: but why were you interested in it  
TG: you typically go for the lovecraftian horror stories  
TG: god those are so fucking creepy  
TG: i have no earthly clue why you enjoy reading them so much  
TG: i personally cant stand reading those  
TG: ignore my tangent and answer my question instead  


TT: I don't know, Dave.  
TT: Your tangents are awfully fun to analyze.  


TG: goddamn it rose  
TG: youre an author not a fucking therapist  
TG: regardless of what your chumhandle says  
TG: anyway i know kanaya recommended it to you but what actually made you interested in the book  


TT: I have always had a certain interest in fashion and such, particularly Victorian fashion.  
TT: I also enjoy the humor in the novel.  
TT: It is very deadpan, and it is enjoyable to read that someone wants to murder their first husband in a casual tone.  
TT: Don't worry though, Dave.  
TT: The only murder that occurs is in the last book, and the deaths are of minor characters.  
TT: Kanaya assured me this was such.  
TT: However, she did mention that there were some graphic descriptions of violence, particularly in the ending part of the last book.  
TT: If you don't feel comfortable with that, you don't have to read the novels.  


TG: nah  
TG: i think i should be more or less ok  
TG: if i feel like i cant handle reading some part of it i can always go to you or kanaya to find out what actually happened in that part  
TG: but of course you read it because of people possibly murdering their future husbands  
TG: do you know why kanaya really liked the series  


TT: Apparently, she has an interest in vampires and rainbow drinkers.  
TT: So there is a supernatural aspect to the book.  


TG: so are there werewolves and shit as well  


TT: Yes, there are.  


TG: sweet  
TG: i probably need to get out of the house anyway  
TG: it will give me an excuse to stretch my legs and such  


TT: Do you really require an excuse to do that?  


TG: yes  


TT: Well, don’t let me stop you.  


TG: alright  
TG: ill be taking my leave

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacletherapist [TT] \--

Now, before you leave to go to the bookstore, you needed to do one more thing.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: i have a very important question for you  


EB: lay it on me.  


TG: what literary device kingdom would you rule  


EB: that’s a really weird question, dave.  
EB: i think you might have to elaborate a little.  


TG: so rose and i were talking  
TG: and we decided that I was the king of metaphors  
TG: we later decided that she was the queen of prose  
TG: which of course begged the question  
TG: what the fuck would you be  


EB: i don’t think i want to rule an imaginary literary device kingdom!  
EB: it seems like a lot of responsibility.  


TG: of course its a lot of goddamned responsibility  
TG: youre ruling a kingdom here  
TG: a hypothetical kingdom sure  
TG: but a kingdom nonetheless  
TG: youve got to take care of all the little people residing in your kingdom  
TG: but youre basically supposed to chose the literary device that you utilize the most often  


EB: i can’t recall using many literary devices!  
EB: i think i would probably end up being the subject of one of the kingdoms.  


TG: thats fair  


EB: what about jade?  
EB: have you asked her?  


TG: no but she probably rules over personification or something like that  
TG: you were more of a mystery  


EB: i guess i’m just going to have to think about it.  


TG: ill just be waiting over here for you answer  
TG: because this lack of information is clearly what is keeping me up at night  
TG: well i wont be actually waiting  
TG: that would just be creepy as fuck  
TG: ill just occasionally check pesterchum to see if you have come up with an answer yet  
TG: be sure to pester me when you do alright  


EB: i’ll be sure to do that, dave.  


TG: thanks bro  
TG: anyway im going to the bookstore to get a book rose recommended  
TG: for once it was not about horrorterrors  
TG: see ya later john

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

Your curiosity had yet to be sated. You were still curious as to what literary device kingdom John would rule. This was of course purely hypothetical, but it was still something very important that you needed to know as soon as possible.

Anyway, you decided that now would be a good time as any to make your way to the bookstore. Since it was literally right down the street, you didn't actually bother going into your car and driving there. That would be pointless and stupid because then you would have to find a parking space and pay for parking and that was entirely too much work to go get a book from a bookstore that was so close to your house.

When you got to the bookstore, you started out be looking around to see if you could find the book anywhere. It occurs to you that Rose never actually told you who the author was. She only told you the name of the book, which was fine, but it would have been very helpful to actually obtain the name of the person who wrote it as well.

You also didn't know all that much about the book save for a few basic things.And like hell are you actually going to ask someone for assistance to find the book. However, Rose did give you the title of the book, which is occasionally good enough.

As you wandered through the store, you ended up being surprised at a familiar face.

Oh god. It was Karkat. And yeah, the two of you talked pretty casually over Pesterchum and Trollian respectively, but you don't really think you could handle an actual interaction with him in person again. It was too soon, and you hadn't exactly had the time to recover from the previous in person interaction you had with him.

Oh no. He just saw you.

"Oh. Dave." Karkat greeted. "This is certainly a surprise."

"Oh, yeah, hi. I mean, hello. Yo? Actually, nevermind. I guess I really did mean hi. So, hi there Karkat. How have you been doing? The store treating you well? Asshole customers not keeping you up at night are they? And, wow, you are still cute. And I'm still rambling on like I'm not able to breathe if I don't talk. Not that I can't breathe if I don't talk, but with the amount of shit coming out of my mouth, I really wouldn't be surprised at this point.Sorry, I'm not very good at talking to people in real life."

"You're not very good at talking to them over text. Whatever delusion you created to make yourself think that you are anything less than a huge fucking dork is completely and utterly false, and at this point in time, you really just should accept that you aren't that good at the social aspect of life." Karkat said.

"Karkat, I'm hurt. You of all people should know how cool of a person I am."

Karkat looked around bewildered for a moment.

"A cool person? I don't see anyone like that. All I see is some dork who wears shades indoors to look cool."

"Harsh, but I do actually wear the shades inside for a legitimate reason. My eyes are super sensitive to light, so if I ever took them off, I'm pretty sure I would go blind."

"They seem like that would be extraordinarily uncomfortable to wear while sleeping. I hope to whatever god you believe in that you don't go blind if you remove them in total darkness."

"Yeah, it's fine if I take them off when there is a low amount of light, but I don't like taking them off that often. Not only do they look super cool and protect me from the evil sunlight, they were a gift from my best bro."

"So, sunlight is evil now?" Karkat asked.

"What? No. Sunlight isn't evil now. It has always been evil. It's just been watching over us like the fucking malevolent god it is."

"I don't think the sun can be considered a god. First of all, there are stars that are way bigger than our sun and a whole lot hotter as well. Second of all, the sun is probably going to die in a couple billion years, so we have that to look forward to."

"I can't wait until the evil that the sun is gets defeated."

"Well, it's not going to be in our short ass lifetimes. I can assure you of that."

"Damn it. And here I was, looking forward to the destruction of the sun."

"Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Unless someone makes a video or a video game where the sun blows up. I don't know." Karkat furrowed his brows. "Maybe then you can live out the fantasy of the sun blowing up? I mean, it would be better than nothing, right?"

"Fair enough. Anyway, what are you getting here at the bookstore?" You questioned.

"Well, I was trying to find a new book to read, but I can't really find anything that I haven't read yet that is in the genre I enjoy."

"You're looking for a romance book, right? Terezi said you liked romcoms and cheesy stuff like that, which is honestly kind of adorable, and please just forget I said that last part. It didn't exist. It was never said. Anyway, you clearly must read a lot to not be able to find something that you haven't read."

"I don't know what I should respond to in that sentence. It all sounded like a huge pile of feces that just won't stop coming out. Except the pile of feces is coming out of your mouth instead of your asshole."

"Maybe you should answer the part where I commented on the amount of reading you do because that is super impressive, and it isn't a creepy compliment like suddenly telling you that you are cute is." You explained.

"Ignoring the fact that you called me cute on multiple occasions, I thank you for your acknowledgment of my prowess in reading a various amount of novels."

"You're welcome. Anyway, if you are having trouble finding something to read, you could always try out a different genre, I guess. I mean, I'm pretty sure there are plenty of action books and stuff that you haven't had the pleasure of reading yet."

"I do still prefer romance novels." Karkat said. "What kind of books do you like to read? Or, I guess, more specifically, what book are you planning on getting here? Or are you just browsing?"

"Rose recommended a book series to me, but I am having a bit of trouble finding it. The first book is called Etiquette and Espionage. Have you heard of it?"

Karkat scoffed.

"Of course I've heard of it! I hear about every book with rainbow drinkers that my moirail can get her hands on! However, it was an amazing series with a properly done romance."

"There's romance in it?"

Karkat looked at you in silence for a few moments before taking a deep breath.

"Yes and a very well done romance at that. Scratch that. There are multiple romances throughout the books. Of course, you have the obligatory red romance triangle that the protagonist ends up getting herself in, but it was obvious from the beginning who she would end up with, speaking as one of her redrom interests she was, at the most, black for, even if there was a bit of red/black vacillating. However, the romantic interests are intriguing due to the sheer difference in blood color. You see, the main character is an olive blood and the two who are trying to court her are a rust blood and a seadweller respectively. Which, of course, puts her in the position of trying to choose between one far above and far below her station in society. She was already testing that, being an olive blood going to a highblood school. In addition, her redrom interests are black as hell for each other, often fighting, and it's done so subtly, and that particular romance was very interesting to read about, even if it was kind of a minor romance in the book. In addition to the redrom interests, she actually gets a moirail, and that romance is adorable as hell, and it is honestly so sweet. She also gets a blackrom interest that she never actually acts on due to that interest being someone she considers an actual enemy."

Karkat looked at you in astonishment for a moment.

"Wow. That was probably one of the first times someone has let me go on for that long about romance without telling me to shut the fuck up."

"Why the hell would I tell you to shut up?" You ask. "You're clearly passionate about it, so I see no reason to shoot down that enthusiasm."

"I, uh. Wow." Karkat just kind of stared at you, and you were beginning to start feeling pretty awkward.

So, of course, you did the only thing you could really actually do.

"Yeah, it would be really shitty of me to just fucking tell you to shut up about something you clearly enjoy talking about. Anyway, it is always super nice just to hear people talk about something they love, and it's just kind of sad when people are sorry for enjoying those sorts of things when really it shouldn't be embarrassing at all. If it's something you love, you should embrace it. It's kind of dumb that people just shoot you down like that, bro. Especially since it was really nice to see you light up like that, and oh my god, please just shut me up."

Karkat started laughing. This was the second time you had gone on a long-winded spiel that he laughed at. It was honestly pretty adorable.

"I guess you're right. Hey, you're having trouble finding Etiquette and Espionage, right? Maybe I could help you find it." Karkat suggested.

"That would be fucking fantastic. Please, show me the way to the elusive novel."

"Right this way."

You followed Karkat to an area you must have looked through ten thousand times, and he just pulled a book off the shelf and handed it to you.

"There you go."

"Holy shit. The cover is pink. Pink is such a nice color, you know? It's all happy and nice and shit, and I really should consider getting some pink into my wardrobe now that I think about it. What do you think, Karkat? Would pink fit my complexion well enough?"

"Probably. You wear red well enough, so you should be able to pull off pink really well."

"Really? Well, maybe you could go out with me to help me pick something out. Usually, I would go with my sister, but she's not very good at picking things out that I actually like, and she doesn't typically like the things that I pick out. Also, it's kind of difficult to shop for yourself, you know? Who knows? Maybe I could help you pick out something new as well. It's always nice to find things that you wouldn't usually pick out for yourself, but then you find out you really enjoy it, you know?"

"That's an odd request, but I don't really see why not."

"So you don't mind helping me out with finding a fun outfit?"

"Not at all. It would probably be fun, especially if we are helping out one another."

"Great. You can bring a friend if you want. You know, if you're uncomfortable with hanging out with me for alone for an extended period of time. It's perfectly fine." You said.

"I think I'll actually take you up on that offer. I have a friend who has been pestering me about getting a new outfit for a potential date he's going to have, and it would be fantastic if I had some extra help.He's a complete mess, and I don't know if he can tell his shoes from his cape."

"Clearly he's a fashion disaster, and we're going to have to fix it. However, I'm warning you now, I am also a fashion disaster."

Karkat looked you up and down, and your throat felt dry.

"I think I can deal with you. You're not nearly as much of a fashion disaster as you may think you are."

"Thanks for the confidence booster. Anyway, when and where do you want to meet for the shopping spree? Unless you want to go over the details over Pesterchum."

"We're already here and planning it. Might as well do it now. I'm free this Saturday. So, maybe we could meet up at noon at some restaurant for lunch and then go to the mall to shop for clothes."

"That sounds fucking fantastic. What restaurant though?"

"I could probably find some place nearby the mall to go to that isn't complete fucking shit. I'll have to ask my friend to see if he's good with that time. He probably will be though. He is almost always free. But, on the off chance that he is not, I can always message you over Trollian, but I’ll have to do that anyway to tell you the exact location and time to meet up.”

"It sounds like a plan." You stated. "Anyway, I'm going to pay for this book, and I'm hopefully going to read it at some point in time instead of just allowing it to rest upon my shelf for the rest of eternity. Mark my works. It will be read."

"Good luck with that." Karkat laughed. "But seriously, I do hope you manage to finish it. It will give us something to talk about on the outing."

"I thought we were going to talk about what kind of clothes we want to try out."

"That's actually a pretty good idea. Just let me jot that down." Karkat pretended to write something down on an imaginary notepad. "There we go. If you have any other ideas, be sure to submit them to my website so that I can fully analyze the shit out of them."

"Will do." You suddenly remembered something very important. "Also, I just remembered I need to ask you what literary device kingdom you would rule."

Karkat looked at you like you had just eaten a lemon whole, rind and all.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?"

"An important one. Come on, please answer it. I don't actually have all day, like some may believe."

"Dave, we just spend a good half hour to an hour standing here and talking to each other."

"Shit, really? Never would have guessed that much time had passed. I still would like an answer though."

"I'll think about it. I'll even message you so you can sate your burning curiosity as soon as I figure it out."

"I'll hold you to that." You said, and you finger-gunned at him. "Anyway, I should be off and actually buying this book and possibly reading it at some point in the hopefully near future."

"You do that." Karkat said.

You left kind of awkwardly. And by that, you meant you totally left in the coolest way possible. Yes. Definitely. Didn't even trip or anything. Okay. So maybe you stumbled a bit, but it's whatever, right? You were still kind of cool, and your dignity was definitely left intact.

You go up to the counter and buy your book and then make your way home. You check Pesterchum to see if John has given you an answer yet. None. Absolutely none. What blasphemy. Well, you can always pester someone else about it.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: jade i have a very important question for you to answer  
TG: it is imperative that you answer this message as soon as possible  
TG: shits super important  
TG: like the world will be destroyed by a whole bunch of meteors if you dont answer this question  
TG: it will be fucking catastrophic for everyone involved  
TG: and everyone involved will just be everyone in the world  
TG: possibly the universe too who really knows  


GG: dave  


TG: what  


GG: just ask me the question already!!!!  


TG: oh yeah right  
TG: okay ill lay it on you  
TG: if you were the ruler of a theoretical literary device kingdom, what literary device would you  
be the ruler of  


GG: that question is super weird :/  
GG: but i guess i would rule personification???  
GG: i havent really thought about it really  
GG: its kind of super oddly specific too  


TG: maybe a little bit  
TG: but i knew you would rule over personification  
TG: john is still trying to decide what literary device kingdom he would rule over  


GG: oh!  
GG: maybe he could rule over the hero kingdom!!  


TG: is hero a literary device  


GG: i think it might be more of a character arc than a literary device but this site seems to count it as one  


TG: ok i guess thats fair  


GG: im going to keep looking through these literary devices  
GG: some of them are kind of funny!!  
GG: like this one called non sequitur  


TG: what the fuck is that  


GG: according to the site its a statement that doesnt really make any sense or have any sound logic  
GG: like saying that if all humans have bones and crocodiles have bones  
GG: then crocodiles must be humans  


TG: what the fuck is that logic  


GG: its called non sequitur for a reason!  


TG: sounds like something you would find straight off of tumblr  
TG: hot off the press and ready to consume  


GG: that metaphor didnt really make any sort of sense dave  


TG: when do my metaphors ever make sense jade  


GG: …  
GG: :/  


TG: exactly  


GG: i found a literary device that might fit john!  


TG: what is it  


GG: its called a parrhesia  
GG: which is basically a fancy way of saying freedom of speech  
GG: like saying what you mean and stuff like that  


TG: sounds perfect  
TG: i will be sure to inform john of this development  
TG: pester me if you need anything alright  


GG: ok!  
GG: :)  


TG: …  
TG: 8)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: okay so i found out what kingdom you would rule over

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! --

TG: alright so you arent here  
TG: whatever  
TG: ill tell you anyway  
TG: you would rule over the parthinian kingdom  
TG: that was not the correct kingdom  
TG: that was just a jumble of words that didn’t even make any sort of sense  
TG: they just happened to start with a p  
TG: okay just give me a second to double check what it was called  
TG: parrhesia  
TG: that still sounds like a jumble of words but i swear its an actual real word  
TG: it means like freedom of speech or whatever  
TG: boldness of speech  
TG: i just realized that all you guys have a literary device that begins with a p  
TG: prose personification parrhesia  
TG: and im just sitting over here on my throne of metaphors  
TG: …  
TG: super fucking weird  
TG: anyway  
TG: see ya

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

You weren’t really sure whether or not to tell someone about seeing Karkat at the bookstore. You were kind of tired, and you were all peopled out for the day, so you just decided to go to sleep instead.

You can’t wait for Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i do this to myself. doing all that span class was a fucking mess


	8. Get In Loser. We're Going Shopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I actually edited this somewhat for once.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CG: ERIDAN. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR HIVE.  
CG: OPEN THE FUCK UP SO I CAN TAKE YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES SUITABLE FOR A FUNCTIONING PERSON.  


CA: all right all right  
CA: theres no need to yell kar  


CG: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED TO YELL.  
CG: NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.

“Finally! It took you long enough!” You yell as soon as Eridan manages to get his ass out of his hive.

“You didn’t even have to wait for that fuckin long, Kar.”

“I know. I just like complaining. Now get in the fucking car, loser. We’re going shopping.”

“Who’s that friend of yours who’s comin with us anyway?” Eridan asked. “I certainly hope he has a better fashion sense than you.”

“Eridan, if you get your head out of your ass for a single moment, then you would be able to inform me of how much of a fashion disaster you are. At least I know something about how to look good because of Kanaya. All you do is throw on shit and hope you look rich.”

“I am rich.”

“I know! That’s why it’s even worse! Half the shit they sell to rich people you can get for two bucks at the thrift store. If you have money, at least make good use of it.”

“I do make good use of it though.”

“Buying a different high-quality cape for every day of the week is not a good use of your money. And before you go on for fuck knows how long about it is fashionable, you can, at the very least, make proper outfits that go with the capes. Or maybe, just maybe, wear a color other than purple for once. I know you’re all about doing that hemospectrum thing, but seriously dude. At least add some white or gray to your repertoire of outfits.”

“I cannot believe that you are insulting the royalness that is the color purple. It is clearly the superior color.”

“Hey! I’m not shitting on purple. I’m just saying that you don’t have to wear it all the time.”

“Says the person who wears gray all the time.”

“I wear black too!” You argue. “Anyway, we’re here.”

“I thought you said we were going shopping.”

“Yeah. And I am absolutely sure that I also mentioned that we were going to eat as well. It’s a lot easier to meet up with someone at a specific location than to just tell them to go to them mall and hope we find each other. Now you get to meet the douchebag I met at Rosemary.”

“Oh my god. Kar.” Eridan suddenly stopped and put one arm in front of you and one on his chest. “That’s Cogsinthegodshead! I’m absolutely certain of it!”

“Why do you watch his trashy as fuck videos?” You roll your eyes. “And that’s the guy who’s going shopping with us.”

“What! I can’t go over there looking like a mess!”

“You look fine. Now stop being a baby and just let me introduce the two of you.” You get closer towards Dave before shouting at him. “Hey! Dave!”

“Karkat!” Dave went from looking kind of bored to lighting up. “Nice to see you again. And I know you said you were bringing a friend, but you have yet to actually tell me who he is or what his name is or whatever.”

“Dave. Eridan. Eridan. Dave.” You say.

“Sup, Eridan. Nice to meet you.” Dave held out his hand for a handshake.

“Hi.” Eridan nervously reached out and grabbed Dave’s hand. 

“Eridan, you’re starting to look like Equius with how much you’re sweating.” You comment.

“Shut up, Kar.”

“You know he’s right. You are sweating a lot, dude. Are you like nervous or something? I guess that’s understandable. A lot of people get super nervous about meeting new people and such and such. Or is it because I’m just intimidating? Karkat, am I intimidating? I’m pretty sure I’m like one of the least threatening people you could meet.” Dave rambled.

“No. He’s just nervous because he watches your fucking GrubTube channel for whatever reason.” You answer. “I can’t possibly imagine why. Your channel is a pile of trash that even raccoons refuse to go near.”

“I’m surprised you can come up with new insults about my channel even after writing a ten-page rant about it.” Dave said.

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment.” Eridan pointed at you. “You wrote that entire fuckin thing? I knew the tone of that rant sounded familiar.”

“So I wrote a long ass rant. Sue me! Maybe I could ask Terezi to be my lawyer! Heck! Just make her the prosecution, why not? I’ll probably lose either way!”

“I’m sure TZ’s a better lawyer than that.”

“She is, but she would purposely lose just to spite me.”

“I can not believe you two are arguing about Rezi bein a good lawyer or not.” Eridan interrupted. “We could be havin food right now.”

“Okay, that’s actually a fair point. Let’s mosey on down towards whatever place Karkat here has chosen for us to grace with our glorious presence.”

“At least someone here acknowledges the glorious person that I am.” Eridan looked pointedly towards you.

“Stop being an asshole, and go into the fucking restaurant already.” 

The three of you finally manage to get your butts into the restaurant and in a chair at a table.

“Finally.” You say, picking up the menu. “I’m fucking starving.”

The three of you spend a minute deciding on what to eat.

“Okay, so I think I’m gonna get the bacon cheeseburger and, of course, I’m going to get an apple juice as well.” Dave declared.

“What is with your obsession with apple juice? You mention it in so many of your fucking videos on your abominable, distasteful channel.”

“Dude. Apple juice is a fucking elixir for the gods. There is no drink that is more heavenly or holy than apple juice. It is an ambrosia that surpasses even the most Gordan Ramsey approved drinks. It is a fucking gift to the world, and I thank the gods every day that it is even allowed to exist, not even mentioning the fact that we as lowly mortals are permitted to drink this beautiful liquid apple. In fact, I even thank Eve for taking a bite out of the first apple, which may have been tainted and full of sin, but that singular bite enabled us to have this drink to which I hold to the highest degree of beauty. It is gorgeous and ethereal.”

“Yeah, Kar. Apple juice is clearly the superior drink. Much better than that disgusting swill your ex-moirail used to drink.”

“Literally everything is better than Faygo, Eridan. And stop ass-kissing Dave and chose something to eat.”

“I am not ass-kissing.”

“Eridan, I’m not sure if you realized it, but ass-kissing is a phrase used to describe the action of using flattery to gain favor from someone, which is exactly what you are doing.”

“Well, excuse me for bein polite instead of being a sack of shit all the goddamn time.”

“Well shit, Eridan. Excuse me for not realizing that you actually had the capability of being polite.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?” The waitress asked.

“I’ll take apple juice.” Dave said.

“I’ll take the same.” Eridan stated.

“I’ll just have some water.” You say.

The waitress wrote all that down and left.

“You’re just going to get water? Really?” Dave asked.

“Well, yeah. Soda is fucking disgusting, and I absolutely refuse to get some sort of juice to appease your bizarre juice kink.”

“Woah there. Only apple juice gets the god treatment. Every other kind of juice is simply okay in comparison to the god-like properties of apple juice. The rest of the juices are mortals like the rest of us. They practically worship apple juice, and that is a fucking fact, my man.”

“You are lowering the importance of other fruit juices in order to lift apple juice higher than the fucking sun. Other fruit juices are equally as important and as good as apple juice, and they should be treated as such.” You argue.

“But have you considered that apple juice tastes way better than all these other juices, and is therefore considerably better.”

“I’m willing to bet that apple juice was the first drink you’ve ever had because of the bias you have. In fact, apple juice was given a significant advantage of being the best compared to the juices that had just as much potential to become great but didn’t have access to the resources that you bestowed upon apple juice.”

“This is a meritocracy, Karkat! Apple juice got to the top because it had the skills to get to the top.”

“And apple juice only had the skills to get to the top because it was given the resources to enable it to get to the top.”

“And yet, you acknowledge that apple juice is at the top.”

“Eridan, can you tell this douche muffin to shut his fucking pie hole.”

“Kar, is this your way of telling me that you feel ashen towards me?”

“Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck no. Get your ashen quadrant ten thousand feet away from me, as well as what that comment implied. Just. No.”

“A simple no would have sufficed.” Eridan said.

“What exactly did that comment imply?” Dave questioned.

“...Are you seriously asking me that? Have you lost every single one of your brain cells to not be able to recognize what Eridan is implying with his questioning of my ashen intentions?”

“I am seriously asking you this, dude. I’ve never really understood the whole thing going on with troll romance, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain it to me in big block letters in all caps at the top of the page.”

"Where the shit do I even start? You didn't seem to have a problem when I rambled on forever about the romance in Etiquette and Espionage."

"To be fair, I do only know the most basic of basic things about troll romance. I would appreciate a brief rundown."

"Really? You're givin Kar over here permission to go on for fuckin ages about something he fucks up all the time? Good luck with that." Eridan scoffed.

"Excuse me, but have all of you figured out what you want to order?" The waitress appeared.

"Yeah, I'll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries, please."

"I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich." Eridan said.

"And I guess I'll have the turkey sandwich."

She wrote down your orders and left, leaving the three of you alone to bicker.

"Why would it matter if he fucks it up? Everyone fucks up romance at some point or another because it's all confusing, whether you are a human, troll, carapace, or leprechaun." Dave defended.

"Thank you. Now, do you want a brief run down of the quadrants or not?"

"I would."

"I would not." Eridan interrupted.

"Nobody asked you, Eridan." You clear your throat. "Anyway, the basics of troll romance starts with the quadrants being divided into redrom and blackrom, as well as concupiscent and conciliatory. They are represented by four different symbols. The heart is concupiscent redrom, and it is the most similar to human romance, so I'm not going to explain it that much. The diamond is conciliatory redrom, and it's similar to a best friend except more intimate and serious. Its purpose is to placate one another. The spade is concupiscent blackrom, and it is a quadrant based on a mutual feeling of both hate and respect. It's a rivalry in that respect. And then the club is conciliatory blackrom. This quadrant has three people, two of whom are a concupiscent blackrom relationship. The other person is there to make sure that the rivalry doesn't get so out of hand that they start killing each other. The third person tries to prevent this from happening. Do you understand?"

“I think so, but I don’t really know what ashen means?”

“Ashen is for the clubs. When someone feels ashen for someone else, it means that they feel the need to either placate those in the spades quadrant, or those in the spades quadrant feel the need to be placated by another.”

“So when Eridan asked if you felt ashen for him…”

“He was implying that we had a rivalry going on.”

“Oh.” Dave turned extremely red.

“Dave, are you okay? You almost look like you're choking.” You inquire.

“Oh my god!” Eridan shouted. “I really fuckin hope that you didn’t just invite me as a third wheel on some weird kind of date.”

“Eridan! Holy shit! I cannot believe that you think that Dave and I of all people in the entire world are dating. We are not dating.” You turn towards Dave. “Right?”

“Yep.” Dave confirmed. “One hundred percent not dating over here. We’re just two dudes being pals. Just some guys being bros. Best fucking bros for life, my man. The bestest of bros. The dudest of pals. The most hetero goddamned mates in all of existence.”

“If you say so.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I’m lookin to get a new shirt. Maybe purple. I hear that the color is all the rage right now.”

“You say that every single time we go shopping. I know for a fact that it is only all the rage because your favorite color is purple, which is fine, I guess, but you really don’t have to justify liking the color by saying that it’s popular.”

“You’re the one who’s always telling me to wear a color that isn’t purple.”

“Okay! Fine! I’m completely one hundred percent guilty of doing that. What a fucking surprise.”

That was when your food came, and the waitress filled up your water glasses.

"Holy shit. This looks absolutely fantastic." Dave commented before digging into his food. "I was right. It is absolutely fantastic. And I also have this glorious beverage of the gods, regardless of what some people say."

"You sound like you're vague blogging, and that is honestly the most idiotic thing you could possibly do. If you have something to say to me, say it to my goddamned face with no semblance of subtlety. Forget vague blogging. Do attack blogging. Call me out in front of me. Risk a punch to the face, you fucking pansy."

"Are you really calling me a pansy for vague blogging in real life?"

"Yes. Are you going to fight me or not?"

"Wow, Kar. Way to be subtle."

"Shut your fucking mouth before I slice you in half with a chainsaw."

"Way to bring back memories."

"It's not my fault you pissed off Kanaya."

"Wait, wait, wait. I need to know what happened here." Dave interjected. "Kanaya is the one who owns Rosemary and is dating my sister, right? She seems like she wouldn't hurt a fly. What even happened to have Kanaya pissed at you? And what does it have to do with being sliced in half with a fucking chainsaw?"

"You would be surprised by how volatile Kanaya really is. She is very much into getting revenge from people, which is part of the reason I'm her moirail." You explain. "Anyway, the short version of the story is that Kanaya almost cut Eridan in half with a chainsaw because of reasons that are better left unsaid."

"Why a chainsaw?"

"That's the weapon Kan uses." Eridan said. "It transforms into lipstick, so she's more easily able to carry it around. It's fuckin terrifyin to see her use it."

"Never piss her off. Got it."

"It's more than just that. You have to make sure not to hurt the people she cares about either. Even if it is my job to take care of her and make sure that she doesn't kill anyone, I would like you to know in order to make my job at least a little bit easier."

"That is a reasonable thing to warn people about. I do not want to be cut in half by a chainsaw."

"At least one person sees reason."

"Who doesn't have the common sense not to make Kanaya angry if she tried to cut Eridan here in half?"

"Eridan."

"Excuse me, Kar, but I didn't know that she would actually try to cut me in half."

"Literally an hour before she cut off someone's legs in order to replace them with prosthetics."

"What the fuck." Dave's face was completely blank. "Why?"

"He was paralyzed from the waist down. Don't worry though. He did consent to it beforehand. Signed a legal document and everything. It wasn't like she just cut off his legs while he was asleep and unknowing of what she would be doing."

"Eridan. I have a question for you. How the fuck did you manage to think that Kanaya would not cut you in half if you made her mad?" Dave questioned.

Eridan ignored the question by eating his food.

"You can't avoid the question forever." Dave said.

"He can, and he will." You said. "I know this for a fact. I'm still trying to figure what the flying fuck happened between him and Sollux at the party last year."

"He's kept it from you for an entire fucking year?"

"I know, right? Unbelievable. That, or he forgot what happened at some point."

"You know that I'm right fuckin here, right? I'm not just an invisible block for you to talk about in any way you please?"

"Oh, shit. Sorry." Dave apologized. "Wait, what were we even talking about before this entire mess?"

"We were talkin about what clothes to get while at the store."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Okay, so, you said you wanted a shirt of some sort."

"Can we also get you some pants, too? I'm tired of seeing you in pinstripe pants all the fucking time."

"What's wrong with pinstripe pants?"

"Nothing. However, wearing them as often as you do kind of lessens how stylish they are."

"If you think they're so stylish, why are you on my case all the time about getting some new pants?"

"I literally just told you, but, since you need to hear my reason once again, I'm so fucking tired of seeing them on your body. You've beaten a dead horse with those pants, and it is time to move on."

"Maybe I'll just get another pair of pinstripe pants just to spite you."

"It pisses me off that you would actually do something that petty."

"Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do something at least that petty at any given time?"

"An actual good friend."

"It's not like you're yelling at Sollux for doing shit like that."

"I do that all the fucking time. God, Eridan. It's like you're as observant as a brick fucking wall. Every social interaction that occurs goes right over your head. I swear to god you wouldn't even notice if someone was blatantly flirting with you, and you blatantly flirt with anyone that you think might be interested in you."

"Hey! I don't flirt with everyone!"

"You flirted with me of all people, and that is saying something."

"How is that saying anything?" Dave interrupted. "You're cute as hell. Anyone who says you're not is very clearly lacking in proper eyesight. And I know you're a pretty angry person, but you're pretty fun to hang out with and talk to. So, I just don't understand why you would think that someone flirting with you was some sort of bizarre happening that occurs once for every ten hundred flying pigs created."

Eridan just kind of stared at Dave for a brief moment before finding his wits and speaking.

"Dave, are you saying that you have flirted with Kar before?"

"What? No, no. I have not flirted with Karkat over here before, I swear. I just stated the fact that he is cute. Nothing wrong with that."

Eridan looked over to you with a questioning look.

"He definitely flirted with me."

"Lies. Lies and slander." Dave proclaimed, his face red.

"You most certainly flirted with me. I'm just stating a fact." You probably look super smug right now.

"What did he say?" Eridan questioned.

"He really just said I was cute, and he seems to mention it every time we talk to each other."

"That doesn't seem to be a clear reason to be defensive about you saying nobody flirts with you."

"Hey! Excuse me!" Dave yelled at the waitress for their table. "Could we have the check, please? I'll pay for everyone here."

The waitress nodded and left to go get their check.

"Eridan, don't you find it strange that Dave chose that moment to ask for the check?"

"Yeah, Kar. It was very strange."

"Could you two maybe shut the fuck up. We are not in psychology here. It doesn't go any deeper than the fact that Karkat is cute, so could we go back to talking about clothes or something?"

"I guess." You drop the subject. "I don't really know what to get, but I might get a new sweater."

"You do not need a new sweater." Eridan said.

"Says who?"

"Says me. You have enough sweaters to choke someone!"

"I only need one sweater to choke someone." You respond.

"Edgy." Dave commented. "How many sweaters do you even have? It can't be that many."

"Dave. I don't think you understand. Kar over here has an entire closet just dedicated to his sweaters. I'm not even joking. He has plenty of sweaters."

"I will not be satisfied until every orifice of my household is sweaters. I need enough sweaters to be able to choke ten hundred men, each with a different sweater. I need enough sweaters to be able to wear a different one every single day for the rest of my life, and that still won't be enough. You cannot just tell me that I have an absurd amount of sweaters when I clearly will never have enough."

"I see." Dave said. "So, what I'm getting from this is that you have way too many sweaters for a singular person to have, and Eridan has way too many pinstripe pants. Fantastic."

"Okay, so we all have a clothing item we have way too many of. Big fucking surprise. What clothing item do you have way too much of?" You interrogate.

"Here's the check. I'll be back for it later." The waitress came up and gave them the check, which Dave immediately grabbed.

"I'm paying, and there's nothing you guys can do about it."

"What? No. I'm going to be paying, you douche muffin." You argue. "I'm the one who chose the restaurant and brought us out here."

"Dave, just let Kar pay. He won't rest until he does."

"Nope. Look at that. My credit card is all snug and cozy up in this check. There is no way that you can convince me that you're going to pay. And would you look at that? It's gone now. All ready to pay for our meal and shit. Should have been faster."

And there went the check with the waitress. Goddamn it.

"Fine, you reeking pile of shit. But I swear that I am going to be the one paying next time."

"Deal."

"Wow. I don't think anyone has ever successfully stolen the check from Karkat. Then again, most people just let him pay."

"It was a one-time thing. This is the one and only time anyone, and I do mean anyone is paying for a meal that I had with them."

"Is that a challenge?" Dave questioned.

"No. It was not a challenge. It is not a challenge at fucking all. Instead, it is a guarantee that I am going to be the one paying for future meals that I have with you, you sack of public school cafeteria food."

"Scathing. Are you sure that you are not the ruler of the insult kingdom? Because you are fantastic at coming up with those on the fly."

"Insults aren't a literary device, fuckass." You say. "Besides, your literary device kingdoms are dumb and idiotic."

"You only think that because you haven't decided on a literary device kingdom to rule."

"That's because I don't give a singular fuck about it." You look around. "Do you see any fucks? I am seeing a severe lack of fucks. Do you know if that's bad for the economy or environment or something? Is my inability to give a fuck a hazard to the world? I look around, and I see nothing. Nothing has changed from me not giving a fuck. Clearly, the amount of fucks I give doesn't change the state of the universe. It is still just as shitty as the last time I didn’t give a fuck."

"I don't understand. What's this about literary device kingdoms?" Eridan questioned.

"It's this dumb thing that Dave randomly asked me at some point, and now he won't stop pestering me about it."

"It is not dumb. It is very important to figure out what literary device kingdom you would rule. You just have to choose the literary device that you most use or the one you feel embodies you as an individual."

"That's actually pretty interesting."

"Eridan! I can't believe you are on his side!" You shout.

"What! It is interesting! And it's a perfectly fine thing to ask, you know. It's not hurtin anybody."

"Except my think pan from listening to this douchebag over and over."

"And yet, you still refuse to give me an answer. At this rate, I'm going to have to choose something for you."

"Fine! I'll rule the kingdom of metaphors! Are you happy now?"

"What, no. I rule the kingdom of metaphors. There's only room for one ruler in this town. Or kingdom as the case may be."

The waitress had returned Dave's credit card, and the three of you were soon out of the restaurant and making your way towards the mall.

"What about me?" Eridan whined. "What literary device kingdom am I going to rule?"

"Who the fuck knows? Do some research yourself if you're going to be so insistent on it." You say. 

"The more pressing issue here is that Karkat is trying to take my throne in my metaphor kingdom."

"I don't want the throne. I just said metaphor so that you might shut up, but, clearly, it just made you even more talkative. And every single word that comes out of your mouth is a polluted waterfall that has killed every fish in it and has corroded away the rocks. Whatever issue you have is now deemed null due to how little I care. Congratulations. Now, if you would, please turn your attention on the subject to Eridan, who is very clearly more interested in this topic than I am."

"Alright, Eridan. You have been chosen to be the next in line in deciding what literary device you want to rule over. Pick anything."

"Hmmm." Eridan thought. "What even constitutes as a literary device?"

"Let's see. According to Google, it is a technique used to produce a special effect in writing. However, that seems like a super broad definition, so just go wild. Or maybe you can go with a genre or whatever."

"Then I guess I'll rule the kingdom of dystopia." Eridan nodded. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

"Eridan, you are such a fucking hipster." You comment.

"Oh, shut up, Kar."

The three of you entered the mall.

"Where are we going to go first?" Eridan asked.

"I was planning on just wandering around until I find something cool." Dave suggested.

"That's actually not a completely repulsive idea." You say. "Now we actually have a plan of some sort."

It didn't actually take long before Eridan was dragging you and Dave into some store that looked as if only the richest of people shopped there. Then again, Eridan was one of the richest of people, so it would make sense he wouldn't give a shit to how expensive things were.

"Look at this shirt! It's absolutely perfect!" Eridan declared. It was a purple, long-sleeved, collared shirt. He zoomed off to the dressing room to make sure that it fit.

"Okay, so I know that we established that Eridan is rich, but exactly how rich is he?" Dave whispered to you.

"Super fucking rich. Why do you think he dragged us into this rhinestone infested place?"

"Point taken. But still. None of the stuff in this place is really my style."

"What do you think?" Eridan dramatically opened the curtain he was behind.

"Looking good." Dave gave him a thumbs up.

"You look less horrible than usual."

"Thanks, Kar. I'll be getting this then."

Once Eridan had paid for his shirt, you all went to a more affordable place.

"Karkat." Dave said after a few minutes of searching. "I found the most perfect thing."

"What is it?"

Dave pulled a pair of pastel pink jeans off the rack.

"Look at this shit. Beautiful. I'm going to look for my size, and then I'm going to try it on."

"Alright. To the dressing room we go, I guess. Eridan! Dave is going to try something on! We're going to go judge his decision like good friends!"

"Okay, Kar. You don't have to yell."

"I always have to yell."

"Why do you two like this store anyway? It's all cheap clothing that isn't very good quality." Eridan complained.

"We like it because it is cheap. Not everyone can be rich like you, Eridan."

"Check it." Dave showed off his pastel pink jeans, which actually looked really good on him.

"I'm not mad at it." You say. Eridan looks at you in awe.

"You actually said something that wasn't completely negative about the clothing."

"Huh. I suppose he did just tell you that you didn't look as bad in your purple shirt. I feel like this is at least the second time something like this has happened in terms of my interactions with Karkat."

"What was the first?" Eridan questioned.

"I made him laugh when I first met him, and Kanaya came running, saying how Karkat laughing was such a rare occurrence."

"You did what?" Eridan looked absolutely flabbergasted. "He never laughs! At least, I have no memory of him laughing."

"Shut up and buy the pants already." You yell at Dave.

"Are we not going to look around for more items of clothing to be worn by one of us?"

"I guess if you really want to."

"Fantastic. Let's find a sweater for you." Dave said.

"He does not need another sweater." Eridan claimed.

"Well, based on Karkat's eloquent speech earlier about how he could not possibly ever have enough sweaters, he clearly does need another sweater."

"At least there is one person here who understands the necessity of a shit ton of sweaters."

You and Dave search for more clothes while Eridan grumbled, and soon you found several clothing items you and Dave wanted to try on.

"What do you think of this?" You were wearing an oversized white sweater with a family of crabs on the front. Dave was wearing a pair of lime green jeans.

"That is the cutest goddamned sweater I have ever seen."

"Thanks. Your pants are awful and way too fucking bright."

"I agree with Karkat on this one." Eridan piped in. "Those pants make you look like a hot mess."

"That's fair, but I do have more things to show y'all."

You and Dave go back into the dressing rooms and continue to get each other's opinions on clothes you picked out. By the time you were done trying on clothes, you had at least three items you really wanted to purchase.

"I guess we can go to the cashier and buy all this sweet loot now." Dave said.

"After you guys buy your shit, could we go to a store that doesn't have the lowest quality shit I have ever seen in my life?"

"Why not? Karkat and I are pretty happy with what we're buying, right?"

"I guess you can go to your hipster stores.”

Eridan lit up and allowed you and Dave to go purchase your clothing items before dragging you off into another expensive looking store.

In the end, Eridan ended up with the most clothing items purchased. Big surprise. He was, after all, the richest of the three of you.

"Well, I had a great time." Dave said once you all had gotten to the parking lot. "Maybe we could do it again sometime."

"It wouldn't be the worst way to spend my time. Just pester me or whatever if you want to do something." You respond, and you and Eridan get into your car.

"Kar, that was a whole lot of flirtin that was going on there." Eridan said. "And you never act that nice to people. At the very least, I've never seen you act that nicely to anyone."

"Eridan, I have no idea what you're talking about." You claim.

"No idea what I'm talkin about? I say that's a whole load of bull. I mean, yeah, you insulted him once in awhile, but those insult didn't hold nearly as much fire as your usual insults do."

"Eridan, I already have a moirail."

"What! I know that! I'm merely questioning if you have any feelings for Cogsinthegodshead."

"Are you seriously going to use his Grubtube name while talking to me?"

"It's a significant thing, Kar. He's practically famous after the video where he reviewed your rant."

"That's because of the memes."

"I still don't know what memes you're talkin about, and I have a feeling you will refuse to tell me."

"You would be completely right about that."

"But I would at least like to know if your feelings for him are red or black because I really can't tell. Then again, I’m in a similar boat myself."

"Oh, yeah. That's right. You never did tell me who you had feelings for. Or even if you figured out if they were red or black."

"That's because I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it might be more red. I still don't want to tell you who it is though."

"That's fair. And, Eridan? As much as I platonically hate you, I wish you luck in your romantic endeavors. Just don't come to me when you are going to talk about how much sex you had."

"Kar!"

"What? It's not something I want to hear about." You frown. "And I don't have any feelings for Dave."

"Really?"

"Really. Now get the fuck out of the car before I remove you myself, you festering pile of ten-year-old fish."

"Alright. Alright. I'm leaving."

Once Eridan had removed himself from your car, you drove back home. You went to your computer and saw that someone was trolling you.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GA: Karkat I Recently Had The Most Lovely Date With Rose  
GA: We Went To The Art Museum And Talked About The Various Outfits And Scenery Of The Paintings  
GA: In Addition We Went To A Coffee Shop And Spoke About Several Books We Both Happened To Take An Interest In  


CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.  


GA: It Was Very Pleasant  


CG: DID YOU TWO DO ANYTHING ELSE?  


GA: We Did Kiss At The End Of The Date Which Was Really Quite Nice  


CG: I’M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD DATE.  
CG: AND YOU MANAGED NOT TO KILL SOMEONE DUE TO THEM SAYING SHIT?  


GA: I Opted To Restrain Myself  
GA: Not That Anyone Actually Said Anything  
GA: The Lack Of Negative Phrases Certainly Made The Date More Enjoyable  
GA: What About You  
GA: Did You Do Anything Of Interest Today  
GA: Or Did You Decide That It Was Best To Stay Inside All Day On Your Day Off  
GA: I Know That Is What You Usually Do But It Does Not Hurt To Ask  


CG: I ACTUALLY DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES INDOORS ALL DAY.  


GA: Do Tell  


CG: I WENT OUT TO A RESTAURANT WITH DAVE AND ERIDAN.  
CG: AND THEN WE WENT SHOPPING AT THE MALL.  


GA: Did You Buy Anything That Was Not A Sweater  


CG: YES.  
CG: I BOUGHT FOOD.  


GA: Karkat You Need More Than Just Sweaters In Your Closet  


CG: I DO HAVE MORE THAT JUST SWEATERS IN MY CLOSET!  
CG: I HAVE JEANS, SWEATPANTS, AND A SUIT.  


GA: Having Enough Sweaters To Choke A Man While Having Only Having Enough Pants To Last A Week Does Not Constitute A Proper Wardrobe  


CG: AS LONG AS I HAVE CLOTHES ON MY BODY, I WON’T GET ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY.  


GA: I  
GA: I Guess So  
GA: But My Statement Still Stands  
GA: And You Really Went With Eridan Of All People  


CG: I KNOW YOU HATE HIM, BUT I CAN STILL HANG OUT WITH WHO I WANT TO.  


GA: I Am Fully Aware Of That And My Platonic Hatred Towards Him Should Not Affect Whether Or Not You Make The Decision To Speak With Him In A Friendly Manner  
GA: I Am Merely Questioning Your Choice To Go Shopping With Him  
GA: As Far As I Know He Still Wears Those Horrible Capes And Pinstripe Pants Everywhere He Goes  


CG: I WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO HELP HIM WITH HIS FASHION SENSE BECAUSE HE’S APPARENTLY FLUSHED FOR SOMEONE.  


GA: That Is Certainly Something That Most Definitely Took Me Off Guard And I Did Not Expect At All  
GA: That Was Sarcasm In Case You Could Not Tell  
GA: Who Is It  


CG: FUCK IF I KNOW.  
CG: HE DIDN’T TELL ME.  


GA: That Is A Shame  
GA: You Know How I Love Talking And Learning About What Others Are Up To  
GA: Even If That Other Person Seems To Have A Different Crush On Someone Every Month  


CG: YEAH, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE PREVIOUSLY TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE FELT RED OR BLACK FOR THE PERSON.  


GA: Really  


CG: YEAH, REALLY.  


GA: That Is Unusual  
GA: He Typically Figures It Out Almost Immediately  


CG: THAT’S WHY IT’S WEIRD.  
CG: IT’S POSSIBLE THAT THE CRUSH MAY LAST A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME THAN USUAL.  


GA: That Is Something To Gossip About  
GA: I Would Appreciate It If You Could Keep Me Updated On How That Goes  


CG: I’LL BE SURE TO DO THAT.  


GA: You Also Mentioned Going Out With Dave  
GA: How Was That  


CG: IT WAS FINE.  


GA: Only Fine  
GA: You Appeared To Get Along With Him A Little Better Than Your Outing Merely Being Fine  


CG: IT WAS ENJOYABLE.  
CG: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?  


GA: Quite  
GA: Also I Would Appreciate It If You Informed Dave That His Suit Will Be Ready For Fitting Soon  
GA: Tell Him To Come To The Shop At Two Pm For It  
GA: I Have Already Informed Rose But I Do Not Have Daves Contact Information And I Would Very Much Like To Make Sure That He Has Been Notified  


CG: ALRIGHT.  
CG: I’LL GO DO THAT NOW.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY.  
CG: DUDE WHO RUNS THE MOST INSUFFERABLE CHANNEL KNOWN TO HUMANS AND ALIENS ALIKE.  
CG: DAVE.  
CG: IT STANDS FOR DOUCHE, ASSHOLE, VAIN, AND ENRAGING.  


TG: no actually it stands for delightful amazing vain and enchanting  


CG: YOU LEFT VAIN IN THERE.  


TG: no shit my dude sometimes youve just gotta accept what life has given to you  
TG: and i know im absolutely fucking gorgeous and am therefore vain  
TG: not going to deny that shit  


CG: THAT’S FAIR.  


TG: should i try to do it with your name  


CG: I HAVE A FEELING YOU’RE STILL GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF I PROTEST AGAINST IT.  
CG: GO AHEAD.  
CG: GIVE ME YOUR WORST.  


TG: kranky arousing radical kranky aggravating and traitor  
TG: *arduous  


CG: …  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO START WITH THE TWO “KRANKYS” OR THE FACT YOU PUT AROUSING THERE FIRST BEFORE CORRECTING IT TO ARDUOUS.  


TG: you could just tell me what you were going to tell me  


CG: I GUESS I COULD SET ASIDE MY QUESTIONING FOR LATER.  
CG: KANAYA WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD COME TO ROSEMARY ON WEDNESDAY AT TWO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR FITTING DONE FOR YOUR SUIT.  


TG: oh shit the suit is done already  
TG: its been like two weeks  


CG: IT’S NOT DONE YET.  
CG: YOU HAVE TO GET IT FITTED FIRST, AND THEN YOU GET TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS IN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM SUIT TO ACTUALLY FIT YOU.  


TG: righty tighty sounds alrighty  


CG: THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LOOKING AT.  


TG: wait until you hear it in person  


CG: THAT WOULD BE THE SECOND WORST THING I COULD EVER LISTEN TO.  


TG: what about the first  


CG: YOUR CHANNEL.  


TG: ouch  
TG: anyway ive got to go now  
TG: my videos dont make themselves after all

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: I HAVE DONE THE DEED.  


GA: Thank You But Do You Really Have To Sound Like You Just Killed Someone When In Fact You Did Not And Likely Never Will  


CG: YES.  


GA: Carry On Then  
GA: <>  


CG: <>

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The main reason Eridan hasn't told Karkat who he's flushed for is because I can't decide on a character for Eridan to be flushed for, so, if you feel like it, make a suggestion about it


	9. A Suit And Also Something About The Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every single new chapter just gets longer and longer and i just end up with more and more pesterlogs to code

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose lalonde  
TG: rose insert middle name here lalonde  
TG: what is your middle name anyway  
TG: i dont think ive ever learned it  
TG: do you even have a middle name  
TG: did you ever just make up a middle name for yourself  
TG: like every time someone asked about it you just threw a random name that could possibly be your middle name at them  
TG: one person asks and youre like yeah of fucking course i have a middle name its alexandria  
TG: but then a completely different person asks and your middle name is suddenly irene  
TG: or are you one of those people with like a bazillion different middle names  
TG: rose  
TG: answer me  
TG: i know youre not idle because it hasnt given me that message that youre idle  
TG: rooosse  


TT: I do have a middle name.  
TT: It’s Violet.  


TG: what really  


TT: Yes.  
TT: Why were you being so persistent in attempting to contact me anyway?  


TG: did kanaya tell you that i needed to be at rosemary today at two  


TT: Yes, she did.  
TT: …  
TT: Oh.  


TG: yeah  
TG: i would have gone by myself but i had a feeling you would want to go see kanaya again  


TT: I appreciate your consideration.  
TT: Should I come pick you up or would you rather us meet up at the store?  


TG: you should come pick me up  
TG: its ten times easier than trying to get to the store at the same time  


TT: Will do.  
TT: I’ll be there soon.

You wait around for a few minutes until Rose knocks on your door.

“How are you doing, my dear brother?”

“Rose, you messaged me like twenty minutes ago. You know damn well how I’m doing.”

“You make that sound as if something horrible is going on in your life. And here I am, remembering how you messaged me recently about going shopping with Karkat.”

“And we’re going now. Come on. We don’t have much time to lose. If we don’t get to the store soon, reality is going to cease to exist. I know this may sound bad, but it’s true, so we’re going to have to go off into space towards Venus. And by space I mean road and by Venus I mean Rosemary. If we don’t, then reality will come apart bit by bit. First, all the details of everything will start to fade, and we won’t even realize it at first because the fucking details are so goddamned tiny, and who even takes notice of them anyways? Then, shadows start fading away until everything looks 2D, but everything is still in 3D even if it doesn’t look like it. Afterwards, shitty jpeg artifacts will spring from the void, and this will keep on happening until our reality is indistinguishable from the void.”

“Perhaps I will get to meet Cthulhu. They do, after all, reside in the void.”

“I’m pretty sure that Cthulhu is the mightiest of all the fucking horrorterrors. You might have to meet each of the lesser horrorterrors, like, I don’t know, Fluthlu or something, before you even start to think about meeting Cthulhu.”

“Of course. How could I be so blind as to not be able to realize that it was required for me to meet every other horrorterror in nonexistence before I, a mere mortal, am able to even begin to comprehend Cthulhu’s power? However, I must say that it is appealing to meet Fluthlu and to hear his call, even if it means any joy I feel will be lost forever.”

“What the fuck? You mean Fluthlu is an actual thing? I was just making shit up.”

“Yes, Dave. Fluthlu is an actual thing, although he is the smallest and weakest of all the horrorterrors.”

“How big is he exactly?”

“Larger than the tallest skyscraper. If you wish, I can lend you the Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious so that you may get somewhat of a grasp of the monstrosities that reside in the furthest ring.”

“No, thank you. I am a okay over here where I am. I have absolutely no desire to succomb to the forces of the rulers of the void.”

“Maybe one day I’ll be able to be given orders from those from the furthest ring so that I may carry out their demands.”

“Jesus.”

“No. The opposite, really.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Like I said, I don’t believe Jesus has anything to do with submitting to the Gods of the Void.” Rose parked the car, and the two of you entered into Rosemary.

“I would very much appreciate it if you would stop licking the clothes. Right here is a sign that we put up just for you.”

“Karkat! You don’t have to talk like I don’t know you!”

“As much as I would love to use more colorful descriptions of why you should not lick the clothes, I would prefer to stay professional while I am at work.”

“Wait. Do I smell?” Terezi went towards you. “Is that you, Dave? I haven’t smelled your face in ages!”

“Holy shit, Rezi. I was wondering why this place had a sign that said not to lick the clothes. Have you been getting into a shit ton of trouble recently?”

“As a lawyer of my standing? Of course not! There would be hell to pay.” Terezi cackled. “Anyway, what is a cool kid like you doing here?”

“He’s here to get fitted for his suit.” Karkat answered for you. “Also, I think Kanaya and Rose have already gone back there, so go back there before they start doing things that none of us want to hear.”

“Will do.” You finger gun towards Karkat. “Sorry that I have to cut this meeting short, Rezi, but I don’t believe my ears can handle the sounds of two flighty broads going at it.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll just annoy Karkat some more.”

“No, you won’t.” Karkat interrupted. “Because you literally just had an appointment, and you should therefore be leaving now unless you are able to behave yourself in this establishment.”

“Wow, way to sound like a mom, Karkat.”

“Just…” Karkat rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “Go get your fitting done, Dave. And, Terezi, don’t lick the clothes. We have gone over this one hundred times.”

“One hundred and three, actually. Specific numbers are important in court.”

You go to the back to get your fitting done, despite wanting to see how the conversation would play out.

When you got to the back room, Kanaya and Rose were giggling about something or other, but, when they noticed that you were there, Rose gave Kanaya a smile and left the room, presumably to look around the shop. That left you with Kanaya by yourself.

"While I do love spending time with Rose, I feel as if it would be unprofessional to constantly be distracted by my girlfriend while doing my work, so I requested that she go look around the store while I do your fitting." Kanaya got out a bunch of stuff and asked if you would try on the suit she made.

You put on the suit, and she began to busy herself with making marks and holding the fabric aside to see if it would fit you better if it was like this or like that.

"So, how have you been doing, Dave?"

"I'm still doing videos on Grubtube if you were wondering. That hasn't stopped being a thing. I actually got a huge spike in viewers after I reviewed Karkat's rant, so I suppose I have that to thank him for. He'd probably be horrified though. Might spur him on to make yet another scathing rant."

"I'm sure it would be just as amusing as the first rant he wrote."

"That's a guarantee. I don't think I've ever met anyone as creative with words as he is. Does he do any writing? He should. He would probably be really good at it."

"He does dabble in writing." Kanaya said. "Although, I believe I may be understating it. He does a bit more than just dabble in writing. It's similar to a second job for him, except that he's more passionate about writing than he is about his job here, even if I do everything I can to make sure that Karkat enjoys his job here."

"That's nice of you. There are so many business owners who take advantage of all the poor kids who need money so badly that they are willing to work a shitty job for minimum wage and attempt to live off of that."

"Yes. It is really awful. I do pay Karkat and my other employees a living wage, and I give them various job benefits."

"Sounds like a fucking dream job."

"For some, it is. It isn't the case for Karkat, however. He simply works here because he needs to money, as he hasn't exactly gotten much in terms of royalties for his writing."

"What does he write, anyway? Has he published anything?" You ask.

"He mostly writes romance novels. I assume he has already informed you of his interest in romance?"

"Oh, yeah. He only talks my ears off about how these two's relationship in this novel is absolute shit, and that guy should not be within one hundred feet of the other person, and that it's a mutually unhealthy relationship, and they should really just break it off now."

"I'll take that as a yes then. As for if he's published anything, he has published a few short stories, but he has yet to feel satisfied enough with the novel he's working on to publish it. It's actually kind of a shame since it is a phenomenal story."

"What's his story about?"

"I think Karkat explains it better than I do, so you might want to ask him. Afterall, it is his story. It's possible he'll even let you read it, but try not to get your hopes up."

I'll keep that in mind."

"Alright, I've finished. You can change back into your normal clothes. And do you mind giving me your contact information? I'm afraid I forgot to ask you when you were last here."

"No problem."

You got out of the suit in order to put on your regular clothes before trading chumhandles with Kanaya.

"Thank you. I'm going to talk to Rose for a bit about the suit, so you can go out there and roam around the store or talk to Karkat about his novel."

"Alright. Should I get Rose for you?"

"That would be greatly appreciated."

You leave the room to go find Rose, who you find quickly.

"Yo, Rose. Your girlfriend wants to talk to you about the suit or something in the back."

"Alright."

Rose left, and you glanced around the store a bit before making your way towards Karkat.

"So, Karkat, I heard you like writing. That's pretty cool."

"Yeah. I don't think you would be very interested in what I write though. It's mostly romance." 

"What, no. If I wasn't interested, why the flying fuck would I be asking about it? I may seem like a complete insufferable prick, but I do actually have a heart that is capable of appreciating a well-written romance. I've gotta have my emotional fix of romantic content every once in awhile instead of rejecting any semblance of such a thing because some people don't like it when boys enjoy romantic things. It's like, jeez. Why can't a guy just be given flowers for once? It's not hurting anyone for a guy to love and appreciate his significant other showering him with love and affection."

Karkat smiled and chuckled.

"It sounds like you're not as much of a douch-muffin when it comes to romance as I first thought."

It takes you a moment to respond because Karkat smiling at you caught you off guard.

"Oh, yeah, I guess not." You finally manage to scrounge up the words to respond to him. "So, anyway, Kanaya mentioned you were writing a novel. What's it about?"

"Well, like I said, it's a romance, so, of course, you have to have the main character and their love interest. But there isn't really much actual conflict in the book. It's mostly just about two guys who become friends and eventually get together to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship." Karkat sounds like he's holding back, but there's this soft passion in his eyes that make you want to ask him more about his novel.

However, before you can do so, Rose comes out of the back.

"Are you ready to go, Dave?" Rose asked.

"I guess so. Hey, Karkat. Tell me more about your novel over pesterchum, alright? It sounds really interesting."

"Okay." Karkat looked kind of dumbstruck, but you were already being dragged out of the store by Rose.

"What's the rush?" You ask when the two of you make it to the car.

"I just learned that Kanaya's birthday is coming up." Rose had a grave look on her face. "I don't have any idea what to get her."

"Maybe you could try getting her smething simple but heartfelt." You suggest.

"How can I just get her something simple when she's so..." She paused and stumbled over her words like a highschool girl with a crush. "Beautiful? Intelligent? Deserving of an amazing gift because she has blessed the world with her existence?"

"Okay, that's fair, but I don't think you have to worry about it so much if that's how you feel about her. Kanaya will probably love whatever you get her. If you don't believe me, I can give you Karkat's Trollhandle so that you can contact him. He would know better than anyone other than Kanaya if she would like a certain gift or not."

"I guess that would be a simpler solution. What's his handle?"

"CarcinoGeneticist. I could write it down if I had some paper and pen, but I guess I can just do that real quick when we get to my place."

"I would be grateful for that."

"Sure, anytime. But I still think that, no matter what you get Kanaya, she will love it. Speaking of her birthday though, I should probably get something for her. Huh. It occurs to me now that I don't actually know her that well since I don't talk to her that often. Then again, I could always just contact her when I get home because I got her Trollhandle while at the store. That is, if she doesn't contact me first to talk about when she should be able to get my suit done. Wait, wait, I won't be able to contact her once I get home because she'll be at work, so I would have to wait a while. And I can't talk to Karkat immediately because he is also at work. Well, shit. Guess I'll just have to play the waiting game."

"I guess you will. What were you talking about with Karkat? I didn't get to talk to him much while I was out there because he was speaking to Terezi, who I know about as well as you know Kanaya."

"We started talking about a novel he was working on. It's a romance novel, but I didn't really get to learn much about it, but Karkat looked like he wanted to say a lot more about it, but he didn't, which is kind of sad because I really wanted to know more about it. Obviously because I want to be a good friend and shitty friends don't listen to their friends when they talk about shit they love."

"Of course not. Anyway, we're at your place now, so could you grab a piece of paper and pen in order to write down Karkat's Troll handle."

"Sure thing, Lalonde." You quickly go inside your house and write down carcinoGeneisist on a piece of paper before giving it to Rose.

"Thank you."

"No prob, Bob."

"Please never say that again." Rose requested.

"Righty tighty, sounds alrighty." You finger gun at her and leave before she can tell you off for saying that, if the disgusted look on her face is anything to go by.

You were now at home. What to do.

Pester your friends, of course. You haven't talked to your best buddy in a while.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: yo egbert are you there  


EB: yeah i'm here.  
EB: what do you want to talk about?  


TG: i dont know man a guy cant just pester his best friend for no good reason at all  


EB: well, i guess he can!  
EB: but you usually have something in mind to talk about when you pester me.  


TG: i guess a conversation usually does require a topic to talk about to actually have some kind of conversation  
TG: but there are plenty of conversations that take place in this world that are absolute bullshit and nothing ever gets done or said  
TG: but seriously  
TG: we havent talked in a while  
TG: hows it going  


EB: it's going pretty good!  
EB: i'm getting more popular, and i think some of my jokes have become a meme?  
EB: i can't remember which ones off the top of my head, but some people are beating a dead horse.  
EB: like, i get it, my jokes are funny, but is it really necessary to repeat them until even the mention of a single word from it sets off laughter from anyone who hears it?  


TG: it is most certainly necessary  
TG: thats how memes live  
TG: and that is how they die  
TG: it is the way of the meme  
TG: youve gotta get to the point where an outsider looking in wont be able to decipher all the fucking nonsense coming from the internets  
TG: even people who know the meme inside and out will have to stare at the meme for a bit of time before they finally understand  
TG: the meme will die when the people say it dies  
TG: but the meme will live on forever in peoples hearts  


EB: that sounds excessive.  


TG: the world is excessive john  


EB: that doesn't even make sense.  


TG: listen  
TG: the world is big  
TG: its got so many fucking things in it  
TG: people plants animals and a shit ton of other things  
TG: they all live on this one planet with the sun shining bright in the daytime and the moon hung overhead threatening to destroy us at night  
TG: All these things that our big ass planet has  
TG: but there are planets that are so much fucking larger than our planet  
TG: and they have a bunch of shit on them as well  
TG: and then there are stars bigger than our sun  
TG: and they have a bunch of shit in them  
TG: and our universe expands and retracts like its some kind of giant frog idk  
TG: the universe is excessive  
TG: the world is excessive  
TG: our entire existence is excessive  
TG: all is excessive  


EB: okaaaaaaaay........  


TG: you may not accept it but it is the full truth  
TG: anyway  
TG: is there anything else interesting that is happening in your live currently  


EB: well, there is this one thing that keeps happening to me  


TG: lay it on me  


EB: recently, there has been this one person who's been coming to a lot of my shows, but all they do is boo whatever i say.  
EB: it makes people laugh, so i don't usually pay it that much attention, but it's been the exact same person every time.  
EB: it's starting to get pretty annoying.  


TG: obviously what you gotta is retaliate somehow  
TG: like come up with a gold star quality comedy act about how they come to every fuckin thing you do and just boo you  
TG: thats some comedy gold all by itself dude  


EB: i've thought of that, but wouldn't that be kind of mean?  
EB: what if the person doesn't want that kind of attention?  


TG: dude if they have been to so many of your acts only to boo you every time you say something funny then they are clearly after attention  
TG: it all depends on where you want this to go  
TG: if you want to feed them then you can go ahead and feed them  
TG: but you also have the choice to just leave them alone  
TG: nothing is stopping you from doing whatever you want to do  


EB: i guess?  
EB: maybe i'll just leave it alone for now.  
EB: they might stop if i ignore them for long enough, right?  


TG: probably  
TG: but i hope you realize that the trope of ignoring a bully will make them stop bullying only works if you really dont actually care  
TG: the main question here is how do you feel about this person booing you at your comedy acts  


EB: it's mostly just annoying.  
EB: like, yeah, they boo pretty often, but, at the same time, they're cackling like my joke was the funniest thing they've ever heard in their life.  
EB: at this point, it's kind of enduring.  


TG: well shit  
TG: if thats how you feel then you should definitely do a comedy act based on their cackling at your joke while also booing at your joke  


EB: i'll think about it.  
EB: enough about me though.  
EB: how have you been doing?  
EB: i've just been talking about myself this entire time.  


TG: mostly ive just been kind of doing the usual  
TG: but rose recently forced me to go get a custom suit from this place  
TG: and i met this guy there that i became friends with  
TG: and rose started dating the lady who owned the place  


EB: how long ago did this happen???  


TG: well it happened within the span of about two weeks maybe more because rose had been talking to the owner before i went there  
TG: but they started dating within that two week time period  


EB: i feel like i should have been informed of this sooner.  
EB: i have to tell rose that i'm happy for her!  


TG: she probably would have told you herself at some point  
TG: no need to get any sort of backwater information from her twin  


EB: still...  
EB: but aside from that, what's your friend's name?  
EB: and what's he like?  


TG: his name is karkat and hes pretty angry but hes nice when you get to know him and he likes romcoms  


EB: you know karkat????  


TG: you know karkat?????  


EB: of course i know karkat!  
EB: he sent me a long rant about how my jokes were dumb and idiotic, but they still made him laugh for some reason.  


TG: what a coincidence  
TG: he sent me a long rant about how pointless and confusing my channel is  


EB: ...  
EB: is this just a thing he does?  


TG: i honestly have no idea  
TG: i have not heard anything about him sending long ass rants to people other than me or you but who really knows  
TG: what made you contact him  


EB: he seemed kind of funny, so i just emailed him back, and we eventually traded chumhandles.  
EB: what about you?  


TG: so remember how i said i met him at the store rose dragged me to  


EB: yeah?  


TG: i didnt know he was the one who made the rant at the time and i may have ended up giving him my chumhandle  


EB: you didn't know he wrote the rant when you gave him your chumhandle?  
EB: how did you not recognize the tone almost immediately?  


TG: he was at work and being all professional and shit  
TG: it wasnt until later when he contacted me that i found out  
TG: apparently he originally got my chumhandle from tz but didnt contact me because he thought i was a douche  
TG: but he changed his mind when he met me in real life  


EB: you're as much of a douche in real life as you are on the internet.  
EB: which is to say, you're a huge dork, and there's nothing you can do about it.  
EB: but your first impressions do tend to make you seem like a prick.  
EB: no offense!  


TG: none taken  


EB: so why would he not think you were as much of douche as he thought you were?  
EB: you only don't act like a douche for first impressions unless it's someone you find attractive.  
EB: wait.  
EB: oh.  
EB: dave, did you flirt with karkat????????  


TG: what no  
TG: maybe  
TG: there is a possibility that a little bit of flirting was done  
TG: but shhh  
TG: no one can know  


EB: we all know you have feelings, dave.  


TG: shit my secret has been found out  
TG: whatever am i going to do  


EB: maybe you'll have to stage your death.  
EB: the shittiest death you can possibly think of.  


TG: oh shit what would be the shittiest death  
TG: like what is the most idiotic way to die that you can think of  


EB: i don't know.  
EB: i think once a guy died because he was trying to find wi fi, but he ended up falling off a building.  


TG: ouch  
TG: that was way shittier than what i was thinking of  
TG: and i wasnt even thinking of real people that actually died in stupid ways  
TG: i have been blind to the possibilities  


EB: clearly!  


TG: no need to get smart with me egbert  
TG: i was merely over here thinking about how fucking dumb it would be if i died by dogs  
TG: like two dogs manage to ahold of a knife or something  
TG: and they start stabbing me in the ankle or the leg  
TG: i guess it would depend on how big the dogs were  
TG: if they were big dogs it would be a little less stupid  
TG: but can you imagine how goddamned idiotic it would be if i were to die by little itty bitty dogs like fucking chihuahuas or some shit  
TG: it would be so fucking stupid  
TG: cause i would be over here giving them love and affection  
TG: and then they stab me in the leg  
TG: and i would be like awww  
TG: youre trying to stab me you little cutie  
TG: and then i would die  
TG: because i was being an idiot who didnt realize that i should not trust any lifeform with a knife  


EB: chihuahuas are pretty angry though.  


TG: youre right they are  
TG: big dogs are so goddamned sweet  
TG: like jades dog  
TG: hes just big and fluffy and friendly  
TG: everytime i visit her i just get a face full of slobber  
TG: bec looking so goddamned happy to see me  
TG: dogs really are the good in the world  
TG: and roses cat hates me  
TG: well he doesnt really hate me  
TG: he just  
TG: ignores and avoids me as much as possible  
TG: i have no idea why  
TG: he could at least be clawing at my face  
TG: pretty sure i smell like birds and dead shit half the time  


EB: why would you smell like birds?  


TG: dude  
TG: have you seen how crows just fucking flock to me  


EB: not really.  
EB: then again, we don't really hang out that much in real life.  


TG: shit youre right  
TG: the next time you come around here we have got to hang out and catch up  
TG: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as you  


EB: no.  
EB: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as YOU!  


TG: bro  


EB: bro.  


TG: youre the best bro any bro could ever ask for  


EB: come here, bro.  
EB: i'm going in for the rare bro hug.  
EB: we're doing this man.  
EB: we're making this happen.  


TG: john while i appreciate the gesture that meme is about seventeen thousand seven hundred seven six years old  


EB: it's not that old!  
EB: i mean, it is pretty old, but it's not that old.  


TG: i made that joke when i was thirteen john  
TG: thirteen  
TG: its time to retire the meme  
TG: how did you even become a world famous comedian if you dont know when to retire a meme  


EB: it's because i started the memes, dave  


TG: shit youre right  
TG: how could i ever forget the impact you have had on the meme industry  
TG: and yet here you are  
TG: reusing memes that are what  
TG: like fifteen years old at least  
TG: and its a meme that i started  
TG: and is only limited to our friend group that is made up of like four people  


EB: we have a larger friend group than just four people!  


TG: not when we were thirteen we didnt  
TG: we just kind of messaged each other because we were lonely kids who didnt really have any friends  
TG: thank god we actually managed to become adults  
TG: its a fucking miracle  
TG: and now we are just living our lives and talking to new people and having an okay time  
TG: so all i can think of now is just  
TG: thank god we lived  


EB: ...  


TG: ...  
TG: well this got weirdly personal really quickly  
TG: i think its time to terminate this conversation before it gets any more reminiscent of things that may or may not have happened in the past  
TG: i might talk to jade about how her plants are doing or something  


EB: we should really contact each other more often.  
EB: so, don't be a stranger, dave!  


TG: of course not

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: yo jade  
TG: how are your plants doing  
TG: what stuff do you even grow during the fall  
TG: like pumpkins and shit  
TG: or does it even matter where you live  


GG: hey dave!  
GG: im pretty sure it does actually matter now, especially since i dont live on a tropical island anymore  


TG: oh yeah  
TG: i almost forgot about that  
TG: how is society treating you  


GG: i dont know how you forgot when ive been living in society for around ten years, if not more  
GG: <_<  
GG: as for how my plants are doing, theyre doing well!  
GG: ive been growing some cauliflower and broccoli  
GG: im looking forward to being able to eat them!  
GG: and possibly sell a few since people seem to love freshly grown vegetables  


TG: sounds fantastic  
TG: people must be clamoring to get even a single taste of the famous homegrown vegetables made by the one and only jade harley  
TG: youve become internet famous what would you like to say to your fans ms harley  


GG: as much as i would love to give my vegetables to everyone, i only have so many  
GG: and i also want to keep some of them :p  


TG: there you have it folks  
TG: not all of you will get the freshly grown vegetables youve been waiting for  
TG: better luck next year  
TG: or next season  
TG: or whatever time you decide to grow more vegetables  
TG: or they can grow their own or something like that  
TG: who really knows tho  
TG: maybe they have the worst green thumb known to man  
TG: like the last time they tried gardening they ended up burning the house down  
TG: nobody is actually sure how that happened  
TG: but goddamn if it didnt happen  


GG: i think someone burning their garden down would be unlikely :/  


TG: and yet it happened  
TG: it could totally happen  
TG: maybe they were misinformed on how to properly take care of plants  
TG: like they were told they had to set fire to the plants to give them nutrients  
TG: or they came from an alternate reality where people had to give fire to plants instead of water  
TG: so just imagine a person waking up and going up to fire up their plants only to find that destroys them  
TG: they would be so confused and probably super terrified  


GG: i kind of feel bad for them, since they probably spent so long taking care of their plants, and then their garden goes up in flames because they woke up in an alternate reality  
GG: :(  
GG: its just so sad!  


TG: yeah it is super sad  
TG: but afterwards they probably figure out that they woke up in an alternate reality  
TG: and then they either try to go back or figure out how to take care of plants in the new universe they woke up in  


GG: :)  


TG: can you imagine the person in the other world  
TG: they get up to water their plants  
TG: only to find that kills the plants there  
TG: maybe the two of them communicate with each other  
TG: it would be super fucking awesome if someone were to build a machine that enables us to talk to people from other dimensions  


GG: that would be pretty awesome!  
GG: but what if the person from the dimension you were talking to was evil!  
GG: do you think they could find a way to our dimensions  


TG: they might  
TG: that is if one of the other dimensions doesnt do it first  
TG: there are probably plenty of other dimensions that would be able to figure out a way to the other dimensions  
TG: it could be like a constant throughout dimensions that humans want to figure out as much shit as possible  


GG: it would be boring if we suddenly just decided to stop learning things about our world!  


TG: it would be  
TG: that reminds me  
TG: are you doing anything with your sciency job  
TG: hows that going  


GG: its going really well!  
GG: we are currently trying to make an artificial intelligence for cars  
GG: weve run into a few bugs but we are working on them  
GG: we are also trying to make them environmentally friendly!  


TG: thats super cool  
TG: youre super cool  


GG: thanks!  
GG: how have you been doing?  
GG: done anything interesting?  
GG: met anyone new?  


TG: shit did rose tell you  


GG: maybe  
GG: but she didnt tell me that much  
GG: she didnt even tell me the persons name  


TG: okay so yeah i did meet someone new  
TG: hes small and angry but also really nice  
TG: his name is karkat  


GG: i know karkat!  


TG: shit does everyone know karkat????  


GG: i guess :/  


TG: jesus christ like rose was the one who introduced him to me  
TG: and then john knew him  
TG: and you did too  
TG: am i really the last person to know of his existence???  
TG: i feel cheated honestly  
TG: that yall would neglect to tell me about such a fantastic and angry individual  
TG: people always say that opposites attract  
TG: well im super chill and hes super angry its like we were meant to be  
TG: ...  
TG: that was not supposed to sound the way it did  
TG: i meant like platonically  
TG: platonically meant to be  
TG: no homo  
TG: except maybe a little cause im bi as heck  


GG: alright cool kid we get it  
GG: youre at least a little bit gay for karkat  


TG: well yeah if youre not at least a little bit gay for your friend than what kind of friend are you  


GG: im not sure if it works like that  


TG: okay so maybe it doesnt but still  
TG: gotta put so many layers of irony between me and myself that the moment it all goes down im just a blob of a human being  
TG: like if you dont have a skeleton  
TG: just laying there in a pile of your own sweat and blood and skin  


GG: thats super gross!  


TG: thats just the facts jade  
TG: you wouldnt be able to have any sort of structure if you didnt have a skeleton  
TG: shit be one of the most important parts of the body  
TG: wait which body part is the most important  


GG: i think the heart or the brain seems the most likely!  


TG: youre probably right  
TG: but the question here is whether the heart or the brain is more important  


GG: im not sure really  
GG: contrary to popular belief, i dont actually know that much about the human body!  
GG: which is why i work with robots instead  


TG: and i only know about random historical dead shit  
TG: like archeology shit  
TG: which reminds me that i havent talked to ara in probably a few months  


GG: who was ara again?  


TG: shes was one of my friends in college who actually became an archeologist  
TG: although to be fair the only reason i havent talked to her for so long is because she does not have much free time  
TG: spends all her time digging shit up and figuring out what it was for  
TG: kicking sexist and homophobic assholes to the curb with her superior knowledge that people were still gay and shit thirteen thousand and four years ago  


GG: oh yeah!  
GG: i think i remember her  
GG: we didnt really talk much :(  


TG: huh  
TG: i thought you two would have hit it off really well  


GG: i think it was more due to our respective schedules than any sort of apprehension of talking to each other  


TG: oh yeah  
TG: you two were both super intense when it came to your major  
TG: like more so than most other people  


GG: i would say we were passionate :p  


TG: well that was definitely clear as a cloudless day  
TG: like clear as when you go to a super fucking remote area where there isnt any light for miles and miles and miles  
TG: clear as the motherfucking night sky in that particular area  
TG: but yall were also a bit obsessive  


GG: i wouldnt say that!  


TG: you forgot to eat and sleep for an entire day because you were working on a project that you were passionate about  


GG: ...  
GG: i have finger reminders now!  
GG: i havent forgotten to eat in a while now!  


TG: it is amazing that you came up with a system to remind yourself of things  
TG: and that it actually works  
TG: i tried it once and i forgot what the pink ribbon on my right pinkie finger first notch meant  
TG: you practically made a language out of bits of colorful string and ribbons on your fingers  
TG: though it is kind of odd that you didnt put the reminders to eat and sleep on sooner  


GG: i had better things to worry about  


TG: jade  


GG: dave  


TG: jade  


GG: cool kid  


TG: you had better things to worry about than completing an action that would kill you if you did not do it  


GG: having a body is inconvenient most of the time  
GG: the only things it is good for is petting dogs and making robots  


TG: that is fair  
TG: but consider that there is no way out of your flesh prison so you need to take care of it so that you can pet more dogs and make more robots  


GG: hmmmm  
GG: i think you might be right  


TG: you think  


GG: yes!  
GG: i do, in fact, think, dave  
GG: its kind of a thing we humans do  


TG: what is this human you speak of  
TG: i never heard of such a thing  
TG: is it a disease  
TG: should i be worried  


GG: no, no, silly!  
GG: humans are a sentient life form capable of communicating with each other in complex ways  
GG: they are typically characterized by their determination to improve themselves and their environment  


TG: sounds terrifying  


GG: yeah :/  


TG: do you have anything on this planet that is not scary  


GG: dogs!!!  
GG: we have dogs!!  


TG: and what are dogs like  


GG: they are friendly and good!!!  
GG: they are also fluffy and you can pet them!!!  
GG: and you can play with them!!  


TG: sounds like my kind of thing where do i sign up  


GG: you can adopt whatever dog you like at the pet store or an animal shelter  
GG: make sure you can take care of them though!!!  
GG: if you dont take care of your pet, i will personally come to your house and shoot you with my rifle!!  


TG: ill be sure to keep that in mind  
TG: anyway do you want aras chumhandle  
TG: or troll handle  
TG: god all these different compatible platforms are confusing  


GG: they are a bit confusing :/  
GG: i think jane still uses betty bother!!  


TG: what really  
TG: that shitty thing  


GG: yep  
GG: but yes i would like aras troll handle  


TG: it is apocalypsearisen  
TG: so you can go contact her now if you want  


GG: ill be sure to do that!  
GG: thank you!!  
GG: im going to go do that now  
GG: see ya!!  


TG: bye

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well shit. If Jade was pestering Aradia now, then that means that you can't contact her right now. Unless Aradia decides to talk to you at the same time as Jade, but that's just annoying for everyone involved. Besides, someone else was pestering you right now. Er, trolling.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: WH4T'S UP COOL K1D  
GC: 1 H34RD YOU HUNG OUT W1TH K4RKL3S TH3 OTH3R D4Y  
GC: HOW W4S MY GRUMPY FR13ND??  


TG: how did you find out about me hanging out with karkat  


GC: D4V3  
GC: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW TH4T 1 H4V3 4 V4ST N3TWORK OF P3OPL3 TO G4TH3R 1NFORM4T1ON FROM  
GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYON3 4S W3LL 4S HOW L1K3LY TH3Y 4R3 TO B3 GU1LTY FOR 4 CR1M3  


TG: oh yeah  
TG: right  
TG: thats not creepy at all  


GC: 1'M 4 L4WY3R D4V3  
GC: 1T 1S MY JOB TO F1ND OUT 1F MY CL13NT 1S GU1LTY OR NOT  
GC: 4ND 1F TH3Y 4R3NT 1 M4K3 SUR3 TH3Y DONT G3T PUN1SH3D FOR SOM3TH1NG TH3Y D1D NOT DO  


TG: good business practice  
TG: wait question  
TG: i feel like i might have asked you this before but here it goes anyway  
TG: how do you know karkat  


GC: K4RK4T 4ND 1 4R3 CH1LDHOOD FR13NDS  


TG: oh shit  
TG: never would have guessed that  
TG: you two just seem so different that it never even occurred to me that you would hang out with each other  


GC: H3 3V3N H4D 4 CRUSH ON M3 1N M1DDL3 SCHOOL  
GC: 1T W4S JUST 4S 4WKW4RD 4S 1T SOUNDS  
GC: MOSTLY B3C4US3 1 D1DNT F33L TH3 S4M3 W4Y  
GC: 4LSO B3C4US3  


TG: because what  


GC: C4N YOU K33P 4 S3CR3T??  


TG: of course i can keep a goddamned secret who the fuck do you think i am  
TG: someone who says every single thought that comes to their head regardless of how private that thought is  
TG: dont answer that  
TG: but yeah i can probably keep any secret you tell me  
TG: lay it on me  


GC: 4LR1GHT SO YOU KNOW HOW TROLLS H4V3 4 D1FF3R3NT ROM4NC3 SYST3M TH4N HUM4NS  


TG: yeah  
TG: yall got like quadrants and shit  
TG: entirely too complicated if you ask me but whatever  
TG: continue  


GC: W3LL K4RK4T N3V3R F3LT TH3 NORM4L 3MOT1ONS 4SSOC14T3D W1TH TROLL ROM4NC3  
GC: H3 V4C1LL4T3D L1K3 CR4ZY  
GC: WH1CH M4D3 1T V3RY D1FF1CULT FOR H1M TO HOLD DOWN 4NY CONCUP1SC3NT QU4DR4NT  
GC: DON’T T3LL H1M 1 TOLD YOU TH1S  
GC: H3’S V3RY S3NS1T1V3 4BOUT 1T  


TG: i can see why  
TG: he really fucking loves those romance novels doesnt he  


GC: Y34H  


TG: …  


GC: …  


TG: …  


GC: …  
GC: W3LL 4NYW4Y TH4T W4S 4 FUN CONV3RS4T1ON BUT 1 N33D TO GO NOW

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well, that conversation got really serious really quickly. You can’t remember the last time you had a even the slightest it serious talk with Terezi. Maybe this was the first. Does that mean that you two aren’t as close friends as you thought you were, or are you two simply content with sending each other shitty memes and joking around?

Reasonably thinking, it was the latter, and you are just overthinking this entire thing, but neither of you really knew how to react when you two reached a topic that you couldn’t really brush off or joke about.

Should you talk to her about it? Would she be comfortable with that? Would she rather you just be that friend that she can be silly with? Would it be awkward to bring it up?

And what about you? How do you even feel about this? You’re kind of torn between wanting to be silly friends with Terezi and wanting to know how she is in actuality. Which, you guess, is basically the definition of being close friends with somebody, but you don’t know if it breaks any troll bro codes.

You were interrupted from your thoughts when your computer dinged, signaling that someone was contacting you.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

AA: hello dave!  
AA: its been a while  
AA: jade told me that you wanted to contact me so here i am!  


TG: that was nice of her  
TG: how did your conversation with her go  


AA: it was nice  
AA: i look forward to speaking with her in the future  


TG: thats cool  
TG: how have you been doing  
TG: with your job and all  
TG: are you still up to your tits in shit to do  


AA: of course  
AA: thats kind of what i signed up for when i got the job  
AA: i even direct expeditions occasionally!!!  
AA: its really hard work but it is very rewarding  


TG: well im glad youre wherever doing and enjoying your job  


AA: what about you  
AA: surely you got some sort of job  
AA: even if it isnt the job you had in mind when you got your degree  


TG: yeah i do have some sort of job  
TG: i make grubtube videos  
TG: and do commission work on the side  
TG: some of it is actually good while others ask for ironically shitty things  
TG: being able to draw both good and shitty things is a skill not many can appreciate  


AA: thats simultaneously something i would not have expected and something that was bound to happen  
AA: i hope that you get enough money to live off of from doing that  


TG: oh yeah i make plenty of money  
TG: especially since my channel got really popular because one of my videos became a meme  


AA: oh!  
AA: well thats good  
AA: which video was it if you dont mind me asking  
AA: not that i know what your channel is  


TG: my channels name is cogsinthegodshead  
TG: and the video that became popular was one where i review a large rant that someone sent me  
TG: ...  
TG: ara??  
TG: you still there???  


AA: oh yes  
AA: i just took a minute to look up your video  
AA: it is amusing and reminds me of a certain friend i used to have  
AA: but i havent actually talked to him in years  
AA: i wonder if he still thinks im dead  


TG: what  
TG: what do you mean if he still thinks youre dead  
TG: did you like fake your death or something???  


AA: its an inside joke we used to have  
AA: about me doing things that would have more likely than not ended with my death  
AA: i used to be very reckless you know!  
AA: :D  


TG: how could you have been so reckless that you had an inside joke about you dying  


AA: i was very reckless  


TG: i got that  
TG: jesus  
TG: what was your friend even like  


AA: he was a very angry person!  
AA: he was always shouting  
AA: but it was more shouting at us to take care of ourselves rather than anything with malice  
AA: like he would yell at us to get more sleep and to eat something  
AA: he was probably one of the more well adjusted people in our friend group  


TG: okay one more question  


AA: go ahead  


TG: what was his name  


AA: his name was karkat  


TG: goddamn it  
TG: i knew it  
TG: how come everyone i know knew karkat before i ever did  
TG: like im just today finding out that a bunch of my friends are friends with karkat  
TG: and now you  
TG: i havent even talked to you in a few months and yet  
TG: here we are  
TG: apparently you were also friends with karkat  
TG: were you childhood friends with him like terezi was????  


AA: yes but terezi knew him since kindergarten  
AA: i didnt meet him until middle school  


TG: shit they knew each other since kindergarden????  


AA: they did  


TG: holy shit  
TG: thats a long ass time  
TG: you know theyre still friends right  
TG: like they still talk to each other and all that jazz  


AA: thats certainly surprising!  
AA: i havent talked to either of them in years  
AA: in fact i never kept contact with any of our old friend group except for sollux  


TG: whos sollux  


AA: hes my matesprit!  
AA: he also is one of karkats current friends  
AA: at least from what i hear  
AA: apparently they still talk occasionally  


TG: huh  
TG: i guess it would make sense that i havent heard of him if they dont talk that much  


AA: they dont talk that much now but they used to be best friends  
AA: i assumed they grew apart slowly so now they dont talk that often  
AA: maybe i should encourage them to spend more time with each other  


TG: wait  
TG: are you and sollux in a long distance relationship  


AA: i guess you could say that  
AA: my job requires me to travel quite a bit so i dont often stay in one place  
AA: sollux on the other hand prefers to stay in one place even if he could do his job while traveling  
AA: he works from home  
AA: kind of like you do!  


TG: what kind of work does he do  


AA: he does programming and i believe he is currently working on a game  
AA: he doesnt want to share the details of it with me  


TG: well why not  


AA: he told me it was a surprise  


TG: that seems suspicious  


AA: it certainly does  


TG: what are you going to do about  


AA: i could wait but  


TG: but what  


AA: nevermind  
AA: it wasnt really a very good idea  
AA: especially since he has explained to me why hes keeping the details a secret  


TG: shit why  


AA: (its supposed to be a surprise for me)  
AA: (i think he knows that i would try to find out what it was if he didnt tell me at least that)  


TG: (oh shit)  
TG: (what do you think it is)  


AA: (i dont know)  
AA: (i just know that it is for me)  


TG: (aside from that)  
TG: (why are we putting our text into parentheses)  


AA: it was supposed to be a visual way to show whispering  


TG: thats a pretty good way to whisper  
TG: ive got to use that in future conversations with people  
TG: make sure that any secret is kept safe inside the parenthesis of void  
TG: that way nobody can figure out what information is being kept inside them  


AA: why void  


TG: because void is like emptiness or some shit  
TG: and it can hide information apparently???  
TG: i honestly dont really know i just remember my older sister talking about it  
TG: she was kind of rambling on about void or whatever  
TG: rambling seems to run in the family who would have guessed  
TG: surely not every goddamned person to ever speak to a strider or a lalonde  
TG: rose wont admit it but she rambles on pretty often  
TG: its just more intelligent sounding than everyone elses rambles  
TG: except for dirk  
TG: dirks rambling sounds pretty sciency and shit  
TG: apparently he works with robots like jade does  
TG: but instead of working on the ai and actual programming of the robots  
TG: he does the actual building of the robots  
TG: he might do some programming tho  
TG: like occasionally  


AA: thats pretty interesting!  
AA: i dont know the people you mentioned though  


TG: ok so quick rundown  
TG: rose is my twin  
TG: dirk is my older brother  
TG: jade is a good friend of mine  
TG: they are all super smart and do a bunch of smarty pants things  


AA: it sounds like you are proud of them!  


TG: hella  
TG: i mean sometimes i think about how i could have probably done something like that  
TG: but its just not something i wanted to do  
TG: you feel??  
TG: like its just not something i could see myself spending my entire life on  


AA: you dont have to you know  


TG: what  


AA: you dont have to do one thing for your entire life  
AA: you can do a bunch of different things  
AA: you have so much of your lifespan left and not everyone wants to do the same thing over and over again for years at a time  
AA: you can shake it up  
AA: so maybe one day you could decide to dabble in some programming or writing  
AA: if you decide you dont like it you dont have to keep doing it  
AA: i probably sound a bit hypocritical since i have dedicated so much to my passion which im sure i will want to keep doing for my life  
AA: but i recognize that its not the same with everyone  


TG: ...  
TG: huh  
TG: i guess i never really thought of it like that  
TG: we get told so much that we need to do one thing with our life  
TG: and we are expected to be satisfied with that  
TG: i just never really thought about it  
TG: being middle aged seems like a muddle of a lack of planning  
TG: its difficult to imagine myself at that age  
TG: maybe  
TG: ill be a museum curator  
TG: and ill look at artifacts and write little blurbs of information on each one that no one is going to read  
TG: and ill lead tours around the museum  
TG: and ill answer little kids questions no matter how ridiculous they are  
TG: like asking if dinosaurs were made of stardust  
TG: and id be like fuck yes little jimmy  
TG: dinosaurs were made of stardust  
TG: and so are you  
TG: ...  
TG: or maybe ill continue doing my youtube channel  


AA: it sounds like you put a lot of thought into being a museum curator  


TG: i guess i did  
TG: maybe its not too late to do something like that  


AA: of course not!  
AA: but you have to make sure to go after the things you want  
AA: if you dont you mind find yourself at your deathbed regretting not doing something  


TG: i guess youre right  
TG: ...  
TG: thank you i guess  
TG: for the advice and the conversation  


AA: its really no problem  
AA: we should talk more  


TG: we definitely should  
TG: just like contact me if you are ever free and feel like talking to somebody  


AA: ill be sure to do that!  
AA: it was nice talking to you too

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Whew. That conversation was exhausting, but also kind of nice? You just feel worn out now, and you also realize that it's getting pretty late, so you decide to go to sleep. It was probably one of the best sleeps you've ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fell face first into possible future pale aradave. i also have a huge soft spot for arasol (sorry about that, erisol shippers!). i like this chapter because you can see what kind of content i wanted to see the most while writing this, which i was about as subtle as a brick to the face. (i need more johnrezi, and i need more content of dave surrounded by crows). anyway, if you're wondering about dave contacting kanaya and karkat, that's going to be in the next chapter


	10. Romantic Advice And The Greatest Rap Battle In History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than usual, and it's kind of (?) a filler chapter, but it was pretty fun to write anyway. there's also still more pesterlogs content than my poor hands can handle

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY, DAVE.  
CG: I TRIED TO TROLL YOU YESTERDAY, BUT IT SAID YOU WERE IDLE.  
CG: ARE YOU HERE NOW?  


TG: you bet your bottom dollar im here  
TG: sorry for not answering yesterday btw  
TG: got distracted by a bunch of other people pestering and trolling me  


CG: IT’S FINE.  
CG: WE ALL GET BOMBARDED BY OTHERS AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER.  
CG: WHO DID YOU TALK TO?  


TG: some of my friends who you also apparently know or knew  
TG: i learned a lot of shit yesterday  
TG: namely that all of my friends know who you are  
TG: jade knows who you are  
TG: john knows who you are  
TG: terezi knows who you are but that was kind of expected but i did not expect that you were friends with her since fucking kindergarten  
TG: and then also aradia apparently was friends with you in middle school????  


CG: WHAT?  
CG: YOU TALKED TO ARADIA?  
CG: GEEZ, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.  
CG: HAS SHE DIED YET?  


TG: not that i know of  
TG: as far as i know she is as nice and cheerful as ever  


CG: CHEERFUL?  
CG: CLEARLY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SAME ARADIA.  


TG: so you arent talking about aradia megido here  


CG: I AM, BUT CHEERFUL IS PROBABLY THE LAST WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE HER.  
CG: SHE WAS ALWAYS KIND OF CREEPY, AND SHE ACTED DEAD HALF THE TIME.  
CG: SHE ALSO DID A BUNCH OF CRAZY SHIT AS IF SHE COULDN'T DIE.  
CG: IT WAS, FRANKLY, EXTREMLY CONCERNING.  


TG: that doesnt sound like the ara i know at all  
TG: except for the crazy shit part  
TG: she still does crazy shit  
TG: the ara i know is super fucking cheerful and happy  
TG: wait when you say she acted dead what do you mean  


CG: I MEAN SHE ACTED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.  
CG: IT WAS HONESTLY SUPER CREEPY.  
CG: THE ONLY TIME I REMEMBER THAT SHE SHOWED SOME EMOTION WAS WHEN EQUIUS TRIED TO ASK HER OUT.  
CG: TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T EXACTLY DO IT IN THE BEST WAY.  
CG: HE KIND OF DESERVED TO GET BEAT UP.  


TG: holy shit  
TG: i dont know who the fuck equius is but what was the damage  


CG: HE HAD A BROKEN BONE OR TWO, AND HE ALSO HAD TWO BLACK EYES.  
CG: WHICH WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE SINCE HE WAS SUPER FUCKING BUFF AND KNEW MARTIAL ARTS.  


TG: can a middle school child be buff  


CG: YES. APPARANTLY.  
CG: AND, AS MUCH AS NEPETA THOUGHT THE PAIRING WAS CUTE, SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE TO ADMIT THAT THE WAY EQUIUS ASKED ARADIA OUT WAS CREEPY.  


TG: how did he even ask her out  


CG: IT'S A MEMORY I PREFER TO KEEP REPRESSED.  


TG: that bad  


CG: YES.  
CG: IT WAS HORRIBLE TO WATCH, AND THEN ARADIA GOT SUSPENDED FOR AN AMOUNT OF TIME.  


TG: she did it at school???  


CG: SHE DID.  
CG: SHE ALSO DIDN'T OFFER ANY MERCY.  
CG: THE ONLY REASON THAT SHE STOPPED BEATING UP EQUIUS IS BECAUSE A TEACHER MANAGED TO PRY HER OFF HIM.  


TG: jesus christ  
TG: i wasnt even sure that aradia was capable of being angry  
TG: she was clearly a very different kind of person when she knew you  


CG: CLEARLY.  


TG: also i dont know who nepeta is either  


CG: SHE WAS EQUIUS'S MOIRAIL.  
CG: SHE STILL IS, AS FAR AS I KNOW.  
CG: I TALK TO HER SEMI-OFTEN.  
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO HER MORE.  


TG: how many of your friends from middle school do you still even know and talk to  


CG: WELL, I STILL TALK TO NEPETA, KANAYA, TEREZI, SOLLUX, AND ERIDAN.  
CG: SOMETIMES I HAVE THE DISPLEASURE OF TALKING TO EQUIUS.  
CG: GAMZEE STILL CONTACTS ME SOMETIMES, BUT I TRY TO AVOID TALKING WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST.  
CG: I'VE BARELY HEARD ABOUT VRISKA SINCE SHE WENT TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING.  
CG: I CAN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, REMEMBER FOR WHAT, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOR STEALING SOMETHING.  
CG: AND THEN I DON'T REALLY TALK TO FEFERI, TAVROS, OR ARADIA ANYMORE.  
CG: I THINK THAT'S BASICALLY EVERYONE I WAS FRIENDS WITH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.  


TG: holy shit thats a shit ton of people  
TG: when i was in middle school i was only friends with john jade and rose  
TG: and rose was my fucking twin and john and jade lived miles and miles away from me  
TG: and you still talk to a bunch of them  
TG: even if i dont know who most of them are but will probably find out eventually  
TG: i think john once dated a girl named vriska  
TG: dont know if it is the same one  


CG: WAS SHE WEIRDLY OBSESSED WITH SPIDERS AND THE NUMBER EIGHT?  


TG: she was actually  


CG: THEN IT WAS THE SAME ONE I KNEW.  


TG: shit  
TG: john still has lingering effects of her influence  
TG: like typing out eight characters when drawing words out  


CG: WELL, SHE WASN'T DATING JOHN WHEN I MET HIM, SO SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF JAIL.  


TG: well i guess that development is settled  
TG: i apparently know a fair amount of the people you knew  
TG: who would have guessed  


CG: PROBABLY ANYONE WHO KNEW BOTH OF US  
CG: ALSO, COULD I ASK YOU FOR ARADIA'S TROLLHANDLE?  
CG: I WAS BEING SERIOUS WHEN I SAID I HADN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.  
CG: AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE STILL HAS THE SAME TROLLHANDLE.  


TG: sure thing dude  
TG: her trollhandle is apocalypsearisen  


CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL THE SAME.  
CG: I COULD HAVE CONTACTED HER AT ANY FUCKING TIME.  


TG: i wouldnt worry about it that much  
TG: you probably just didnt want to risk contacting someone super weird who you didnt actually know anything about  


CG: I GUESS, BUT STILL.  


TG: besides it is super hard to get a hold of her at all so i only really ever talk to her like once every few months  
TG: she does all this archeology shit so half the time she is in a place with no internet  


CG: OH.  
CG: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.  
CG: ARCHEOLOGY IS PRETTY COOL THOUGH.  


TG: yeah she gets to lead expeditions and shit now its pretty fucking awesome  
TG: going around licking shit to see if something is a rock or a bone  


CG: WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU GO AROUND LICKING RANDOM THINGS TO SEE IF IT IS A ROCK OR A BONE?  


TG: because if it is a bone then your tongue will stick  
TG: thats how you know its not going to be useless if you shove it into a museum  


CG: THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.  


TG: you havent even heard about licking some thousand or something year old honey to see if it was still good  
TG: spoilers  
TG: it was because honey never spoils  


CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.  


TG: no man its one hundred percent true  
TG: complete and absolute fact  


CG: I'M STILL GOING TO CALL BULLSHIT.  


TG: dont say i didnt warn ya  
TG: one day youre going to be arguing with someone and then youll both look it up on wikipedia to see whos right  
TG: and low and behold you were wrong  
TG: you will have to live with that humiliation for the rest of your life  


CG: I THINK I'LL GET OVER IT.  


TG: wow okay  


CG: ANYWAY, I'M GLAD ARADIA IS DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE PRESUMABLY ENJOYS WITH HER LIFE.  
CG: SHE DOES ENJOY HER JOB, RIGHT?  


TG: hell yeah she does  
TG: every time i contact her we trade stories about things that have happened in the past few months  
TG: sometimes really dumb shit happens that we tell to our other friends  
TG: while others are closely guarded secrets that we only tell one another and they never see the light of day  


CG: WHAT KIND OF SECRETS?  


TG: secret secrets  
TG: the most secrety kind of secrets you could ever conceivably have and share with another living thing that has the capability to tell others your secret  
TG: except that you trust them enough not to tell anybody about it  


CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU ONLY TALK TO HER ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS?  


TG: yeah i would like to talk to her more but she is a busy person and so am i  
TG: our schedules dont always line up  
TG: particularly because of her going to places where she doesnt have internet and is therefore unable to contact anybody  


CG: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SHITTY.  
CG: I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT TALKING TO KANAYA FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.  


TG: its a system that works just fine for aradia and i  
TG: it would be nice to see her in person every now and then tho  


CG: WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.  
CG: HOWEVER, IT MAY BE KIND OF PERSONAL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.  


TG: ill answer depending on the question so go ahead and shoot  


CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA?  
CG: BECAUSE A LOT OF THE STUFF YOU DESCRIBED TALKING TO HER ABOUT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD ONLY EVER TELL YOUR MOIRAIL.  


TG: oh um  
TG: moirail is like the intimate best friend right  
TG: like pale and shit  


CG: YES. THAT IS THE QUADRANT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  


TG: ...  
TG: i actually have no idea  


CG: OKAY, SO IF YOU TWO AREN'T OFFICIAL MOIRAILS YET, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER?  


TG: shit man i dont know  
TG: i just kind of think that shes a cool person who i would prefer to hang out with more  
TG: but like i know that her job is important to her  


CG: YES?  


TG: i dont know its just like  
TG: it would be nice to hear more from her  
TG: just to know that shes alive and doing well and safe and shit  
TG: you know  


CG: YES, I DO KNOW.  
CG: BECAUSE I HAVE A MOIRAIL, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT HERE.  


TG: oh  
TG: huh  
TG: i feel like my previous definition is an intimate friend was kind of correct then  
TG: but like also kind of not  
TG: im not exactly sure how serious this kind of relationship is though  


CG: IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE MOIRAILS WITH.  
CG: FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS COMMITMENT, BUT, FOR OTHERS, IT'S MORE CASUAL.  
CG: SOME EVEN WANT TO HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, WHICH IS MORE COMMON WITH HUMANS, BUT WHATEVER.  
CG: REALLY, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO ARADIA ABOUT THIS AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.  
CG: IF THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN SHARING SECRETS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE, THEN SHE PROBABLY FEELS THE SAME WAY.  
CG: ALTHOUGH, THE RELATIONSHIP MAY BE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN BECAUSE OF DISTANCE.  
CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HASN'T BEEN DIMINISHED FROM TIME AND DISTANCE, SO IT MIGHT HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO TURN INTO A STRONG MOIRALLEGIANCE.  


TG: i think im going to think on it for a bit longer  
TG: but thanks anyway for the relationship advice  


CG: OF COURSE.  
CG: ROMANCE IS MY FORTE.  


TG: speaking of romance though  
TG: talk to me about your novel  
TG: it sounds pretty interesting from what little i have heard about it  
TG: and based on the amount of writing i have read from you its really good  
TG: so you should totally yell at the top of your lungs about it  
TG: shout your passions to the world and if anyone gives you shit about it punch them  


CG: I DO THAT ANYWAYS.  
CG: I HAVE PUNCHED MULTIPLE PEOPLE.  
CG: THERE IS REALLY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE IT.  


TG: thats the spirit  
TG: so novel time  
TG: lay out your outline of novel in amazing detail for me  
TG: or whatever amount you feel comfortable with  
TG: really there isnt any pressure or anything  


CG: FINE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO INSISTENT.  
CG: THE BASIC SETTING OF MY NOVEL IS THAT TWO INDIVIDUALS MEET WHILE IN COLLEGE.  
CG: THEY MEET IN A TEA SHOP BECAUSE I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  
CG: SO ANYWAY, WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, THEY FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER.  
CG: THEY'RE JUST COMPLETE OPPOSITES, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT A BUNCH OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER, SO THEY END UP SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER.  
CG: THE MORE TIME THEY SPEND TOGETHER, THE MORE THEY REALIZE THAT THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE OTHER PERSON.  
CG: WHICH EVENTUALLY LEADS TO THEM FALLING IN LOVE AND BEGINNING TO DATE.  


TG: that sounds super interesting  
TG: infinitely better than that bullshit in romance novels where they fall in love with each other instantly and then spend most of the novel skirting around each other and beating around the bush  
TG: i havent actually read any romance novels but im pretty sure that is how it goes  


CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW IT GOES USUALLY.  
CG: AS MUCH AS I LOVE ROMANCE BOOKS AND MOVIES, THAT TROPE IS PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING.  
CG: IT'S LIKE, JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER, YOU COMPLETE DOUCHNOZZLES!  
CG: OKAY, SO I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON TO SAY THAT, BUT STILL!  
CG: I GOT BETTER!  
CG: I ASKED OUT KANAYA, AND IT WAS GREAT!  


TG: really  


CG: YES.  
CG: PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT KANAYA WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED ME OUT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  
CG: I GATHERED UP THE NERVE, AND I TOLD HER THAT I WAS PALE FOR HER.  
CG: YEAH, *SOME* PEOPLE MAY CALL MY APPROACH A TAD BIT EXTRA, BUT I WAS TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC, GODDAMNIT!  


TG: how exactly are you supposed to be romantic with pale romance  


CG: I GAVE HER SOME FLOWERS, WHICH CAN BE USED TO EXPRESS FEELINGS FOR ANY AND ALL THE QUADRANTS.  
CG: TYPICALLY PEOPLE JUST WRAP THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN A COLORED WRAP THAT REPRESENTS THEIR FEELINGS.  
CG: RED FOR RED, PINK FOR PALE, BLACK FOR BLACK, AND GRAY FOR ASHEN.  
CG: I HAPPENED TO ALSO CHOOSE FLOWERS THAT WERE MEANINGFUL AS WELL, SO THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS I GAVE KANAYA HAD YELLOW ROSES, AND IT ALSO HAD SOME CHRYSANTHEMUMS.  


TG: what do those mean  


CG: YELLOW ROSES MEAN FRIENDSHIP, WHILE CHRYSANTHEMUMS MEAN SUPPORT.  
CG: I TRIED TO AVOID ANY FLOWERS THAT MEANT LONGEVITY AND STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE THOSE CAN MAKE YOU LOOK DESPERATE.  
CG: YOU ONLY GIVE THOSE SORTS OF FLOWERS TO SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN YOUR MOIRAIL FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.  
CG: IT IS ALSO TRADITIONAL FOR THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO BE TIED WITH TWO RIBBONS, ONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR, AND THE OTHER WITH THE OTHER'S BLOOD COLOR.  
CG: SOME PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT KNOTS TO REPRESENT DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT I WON'T GET INTO THAT.  


TG: this all sounds really fucking complicated  


CG: YEAH, WELL THAT IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE CALLED ME EXTRA.  
CG: BUT, IN ADDITION TO THE FLOWERS, IT IS ROMANTIC TO BRING THE PALE ROMANTIC INTEREST THEIR COMFORT FOOD, ALONG WITH ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES OR BOOKS.  
CG: IT SHOWS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PERSON FAIRLY WELL, AND WOULD LIKE TO PURSUE A PALE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.  
CG: SO, I BROUGHT KANAYA HER COMFORT FOOD AND HER FAVORITE BOOK.  


TG: i assume she responded positively since you two are now moirails  


CG: YES.  
CG: WE HAD A VERY ENJOYABLE DATE.  


TG: are there any nuances about the other quadrants i should know about  


CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO A BLACK OR ASHEN RELATIONSHIP.  
CG: MOST PARTICIPATE IN THE MORE RED QUADRANTS, BUT MANY FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THE DARKER ONES.  
CG: TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO KEEP UP BECAUSE THEY REQUIRE A PROPER RIVALRY.  
CG: THE BASIC STIRRINGS OF BLACK FEELINGS IS A FEELING OF RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON.  
CG: YOU CAN'T HAVE A PROPER RIVALRY IF YOU DON'T RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON AND RECOGNIZE THAT THEY HAVE GOOD TRAITS.  
CG: THE MORE MAJOR FEELINGS THAT TEND TO GET UP PLAYED ARE THE FEELINGS OF ANIMOSITY TOWARDS THE OTHER PERSON.  
CG: HOWEVER, PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT THE RESPECT PLAYS A HUGE PART IN BLACK ROMANCE.  
CG: THE ASHEN QUADRANT IS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT TAKES THE BLACK QUADRANT AND ADDS ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE SURE THAT THE KISMESISES DON'T KILL EACH OTHER.  
CG: SOMETIMES, THE HAPPENINGS OF A PITCH RELATIONSHIP IS DEPENDENT ON HOW GOOD THE AUSPISTICE IS.  
CG: AND THERE ARE VERY FEW GOOD AUSPISTICES, MUCH LESS PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING IN BEING ONE.  
CG: KANAYA IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I KNOW WHO ACTUALLY HOLDS AN INTEREST IN BEING AN AUSPISTICE, SO SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT IT.  


TG: well thats a shit ton of information  
TG: i think i need my info a bit more spread out and a bit more simply worded  
TG: although it might just be because i have a hard time wrapping my mind around this black romance stuff  
TG: i think ill stick with the red quadrants thank you very much  


CG: WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT QUADRANTS AND THE ROMANCE ASSOCIATED WITH EACH OF THEM, THEN I'M THE PERSON TO GO TO.  


TG: i think i got that with the first word about quadrants that decided to waterfall out of your mouth  


CG: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWLEDGE ABOUT QUADRANTS.  


TG: yes you are  
TG: bow down to the great king of quadrants everybody  
TG: his greatness and might are too glorious to behold  
TG: youve got to fuckin look in the corner of your eyes to even begin to behold his beauty and glory  
TG: all hail the king of the quadrants  


CG: FUCK YES.  
CG: BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS, FOR I AM YOUR GOD.  
CG: QUIVER BEFORE MY MIGHT.  


TG: they quiver before you my liege  
TG: they are fearful of the power you possess  


CG: OKAY, THIS IS SOUNDING WAY TOO MUCH LIKE ONE OF NEPETA'S ROLEPLAYS, SO I'M GOING TO PUT A STOP TO IT HERE.  
CG: JUST, STOP.  


TG: oh shit if nepeta does this kind of roleplay shit im going to need a way to contact her  


CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO GIVE YOU THE MEANS TO TALK TO HER.  


TG: because you want your friends to meet each other  


CG: NOT REALLY.  
CG: ANYTIME THAT HAPPENS, THE TWO END UP GETTING ALONG INSUFFERABLY WELL, AND THEY END UP MAKING ME SUFFER.  


TG: i guess ill just have to find another way to get her contact information  


CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT.  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU END UP TALKING TO NEPETA, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO EQUIUS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.  
CG: THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS.  
CG: THE TWO ARE SO PALE FOR EACH OTHER IT'S ALMOST SICKENING.  
CG: YOU MIGHT END UP WITH A BROKEN HAND.  


TG: what for talking to nepeta  
TG: that seems like a dick move  


CG: NO, IT WON'T BE FOR TALKING TO NEPETA.  
CG: IT WILL JUST BE FOR MEETING HIM.  
CG: HE HAS A REALLY STRONG HANDSHAKE.  
CG: DO NOT USE YOUR DOMINATE HAND WHEN GIVING HIM A HANDSHAKE.  


TG: ...  
TG: ill keep that in mind  
TG: btw i want to know something  
TG: has rose pestered you yet  


CG: WHY WOULD SHE PESTER ME?  


TG: so she hasnt  
TG: she found out it was going to be kanayas bday soon and she was freaking out about it  
TG: because she didnt know what to get kanaya  
TG: i told her to contact you since you are moirails with kanaya  


CG: KANAYA WOULD BE OVERJOYED JUST BEING GIVEN A GIFT FROM ROSE.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT ROSE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT.  


TG: thats what i said  
TG: but yeah you should probably message her just to make sure she hasnt gone into solitude about it  


CG: HAS SHE ACTUALLY GONE INTO SOLITUDE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT?  


TG: no  
TG: she mostly goes into solitude near a book deadline  
TG: but still  
TG: it is a concern of mine  


CG: ALRIGHT.  
CG: I'LL TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER.  
CG: WHAT'S HER HANDLE?  


TG: tentacletherapist  


CG: I GUESS I'LL GO MESSAGE HER NOW.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.  


TG: see ya my dude

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You begin to brainstorm ideas for possible videos for your channel in the future, and you kept this up for about an hour before someone started messaging you.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GA: This Is Dave Correct  
GA: I Am Kanaya Just In Case You Did Not Recognize My Handle  


TG: yep this is dave  
TG: whats up kanaya what do you need  


GA: I Do Not Actually Need Anything From You  
GA: I Simply Wanted To Make Sure That I Had The Handle Right Before Contacting You In The Future  
GA: However I Would Not Be Adverse To A Conversation  


TG: well lets see what could we possibly talk about  
TG: there are a shit ton of potential topics we could discuss  
TG: and yet my brain is coming up blank  
TG: despite all my swank this shit aint ready to bank  
TG: the topics at hand are inside the void  
TG: were reaching for them grabbing at them  
TG: but we miss more than a storm trooper droid  
TG: we pick up a topic and were like oh shit we grabbed it  
TG: only for it to slip out of our hands and end up cracking it  


GA: Do You Happen To Partake In The Art Of Slam Poetry  


TG: thats like the troll way of saying rap right  
TG: hell fucking yeah i do  
TG: do you want to do a rap battle with me  


GA: I Do Not Do This Sort Of Thing Very Often But I Would Like To Accept Your Challenge  
GA: Would You Rather You Or I Go First  


TG: if youre feeling up to it you can go first  


GA: If You Insist  
GA: Here I Go  
GA: The World Was Created A Long Time Ago  
GA: And Yet It Has No Time For Your Parlor Tricks  
GA: All They Do Is Make Us Sick  
GA: The Stars Align And They Make Me Shine  
GA: Far Brighter Than The Sun That I Have Claimed As Mine  
GA: You Seem To Have The Belief That You Are Better Than I  
GA: But I Regret To Inform You That I Will Make You Cry  


TG: holy shit that was great  
TG: but frankly i have to reiterate  
TG: my rhymes are slick and holding to a beat  
TG: theres not a lot of thinking that goes into what im bringing  
TG: theres no time to think no time to meet  
TG: just listen to the words here that i here am singing  
TG: youve got to have more than rhymes to kick my ass  
TG: and frankly based on that youre not gonna last  
TG: cause my beats are sick so sick in fact  
TG: that my old raps are practically some cool artifact  


GA: That Youre Raps Are An Artifact You Have Correct  
GA: But I Have To Inform You That You Need To Double Check  
GA: What You Think It Means At Least  
GA: For I Believe They Were Thrown In The Garbage Yesterday  
GA: You Should Feel Horrid If That Is The Case  
GA: That Is Where They Were Meant To Be Anyway  
GA: Mine However Are The Hottest You Ever Will See  
GA: And If You Say Otherwise All Will Disagree  


TG: my rhymes may be trash but theyre ironically shitty  
TG: just wait and see if you can reach my level of petty  
TG: my beats made of coal and with enough pressure and heat  
TG: my beats will be the most beautiful diamonds on the street  
TG: ill be forever engrained in the earth  
TG: youll be the one always waiting around for a rebirth  


GA: Im Going To Have To Say I Agree Your Rhymes Are Shitty  
GA: Theyre Gritty And Im Pretty  
GA: And Im Worth More Than Being Just Petty  
GA: Youre Admitting That Youre Trash  
GA: You Might As Well Be Ash  
GA: Ive Won Already So I Hope That You Are Ready  
GA: Your Diamonds Are Fake As Is Your Declaration  
GA: Just Pack Up Your Bags Youre Leaving The Station  


TG: okay okay i yield  
TG: leaving the station now  
TG: didnt even pack my bags thats how roasted my ass got  
TG: your rhymes are too sick for me to handle  
TG: like holy shit where did you learn to rap like that  


GA: I Dabble In The Art Of Slam Poetry And The Art Of Poetry Alike  
GA: Not As Often As I Would Like Though  
GA: Perhaps We Can Do This Again Another Time  


TG: i will totally take you up on your offer  
TG: its been a while since ive had a worthy opponent  
TG: especially one that beat me into the ground so soundly  


GA: I Will Continue Honing My Skills  


TG: and ill do the same over here  


GA: It Was Enjoyable Talking With You  
GA: Or In This Case Slamming With You  
GA: I Will Contact You In The Future  


TG: wait hold on before you go  
TG: karkat mentioned a friend named nepeta and i want to get her contact info  
TG: do you have this information  


GA: Her Trollhandle Is ArsenicCatnip  
GA: However I Do Not Know Why Karkat Would Withhold This Information From You  


TG: i think he might have been worried how well we would get along  


GA: I Still Do Not Understand  
GA: I Should Be Going Now  
GA: I Will Message You Again In The Future

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well, you guess it’s time to message Nepeta for the first time.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

TG: yo youre nepeta right  
TG: i heard about you from my friend karkat who is also your friend  
TG: i got your handle from kanaya tho because karkat refused  
TG: he said he didnt want to bring the powers that we have together  
TG: well i said fuck that and so here i am pestering you  


AC: :33 < i am nepeta, but who are mew?  


TG: oh shit  
TG: i guess i completely forgot to introduce my awesome self  
TG: im dave  
TG: nice to meet you  


AC: :33 < its nice to m33t you too!  
AC: :33 < how did you and karcat meet?  
AC: :33 < he doesnt really talk to anyone outside his furiend group  


TG: i met him at his work and i kinda rambled a shit ton like i always do  
TG: and i made him laugh and i gave him my chumhandle  


AC: :33 < !  
AC: :33 < you made him laugh?  
AC: :33 < i almost nefur hear him laugh beclaws he just wants to be all grumpy all the time  


TG: it might of just been because he was at work and didnt feel like risking yelling at me  
TG: which he does all the time  
TG: anyway i heard you like roleplaying with people  


AC: :33 < i do!  
AC: :33 < would mew like to rolepurrlay with me?  


TG: hell yes  


AC: :33 < i usually rolepurrlay as a cat  
AC: :33 < what would mew like to be?  


TG: shit if were going to be doing animals and shit then i want to be a crow  
TG: crows are the shit  
TG: you can start if you want to  


AC: :33 < *ac crouches behind some bushes, watching her unsuspecting prey*  


TG: *tg stands there pecking at the ground or some shit*  


AC: :33 < *when ac is sure the crow isnt suspecting it, she pounces!*  


TG: *tg squawks as ac attacks him he is completely fucking oblivious to how this could have possibly happened*  


AC: :33 < *ac successfurlly holds the crow in her claws, purrparing to eat her dinner*  


TG: *tg begs that ac does not eat him over and over he shouts to not be eaten by her*  


AC: :33 < *ac carefurlly considers not eating the crow*  
AC: :33 < *in the end, howefur, ac opens her maw and asks if the crow would like to watch a documentary about animals!*  


TG: *tg stares in disbelief at his tactic of begging actually working*  
TG: *not wanting to give ac any reason to eat him he accepts her invitation*  
TG: *he says that he would love to*  


AC: :33 < *ac says that this rolepurrlay was furry fun!*  


TG: *tg says ditto and would like to do this again sometime*  


AC: :33 < *ac agrees but must go now so she will troll you again in the furture*

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well, that was pretty fun. Soon enough, you both will be able to use your powers for evil. And by evil, you mean to annoy Karkat, at least a little bit. Maybe you could invite them both out at some point.

You hear the doorbell ring, and you go to the door to find a package at your doorstep. Sweet. More stuff to review for your channel. As if you didn’t have enough shit already.

You set up your recording stuff and start recording. You open the box in absolute silence and slowly pull out the merchandise. It’s a rug. A very, very soft rug.

“The first carpet industry was made in 1791 by a dude named William Sprague in Philadelphia. However, it isn’t the United States that make the best rugs. Eastern counties actually have the best carpets, like India. They make a hell of a lot of rugs. This rug isn’t from India though. It’s just a really soft rug. Look how soft that shit is. Softer than the nicest goddamned silk in the world.”

You rub the carpet against your face.

“Just be sure to take off all the tags so you can get the full sensory experience of the rug. Now, of course, I can’t just keep rubbing my face against this lovely carpet. I’ve got to put it on the floor where it can do what it’s supposed to do. Be a rug.”

You place the carpet on the floor and step on it. You wriggle around your toes.

“Still just as amazing on my feet as it was on my face. Though, you might not want it to rub your face against it once you’ve rubbed your feet on it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not judging. But you might want to wash it.”

After a few more minutes of rambling on about the texture and color and other sensory stuff about the carpet before stopping the recording.

Time to edit the fuck out of this shit. After you find a place for the pink carpet you bought. It was way too nice to throw away, and pink is a great color.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i was writing nepeta and dave's conversation, it felt weird, but when i read back through it, it seemed fine, so i don't know what to think anymore. i think i was just kind of struggling to figure out how an older nepeta might act, especially to a stranger, so i hope i did an okay job? also the rap battle was super fun to write but i was dying trying to figure out rhymes


	11. Matesprits and Moirails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. so, i know i haven't updating in a few months. i got distracted. but here you go! happy holidays!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

CG: ROSE.  


TT: And who might this be?  


CG: THIS IS KARKAT.  
CG: DAVE GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE.  


TT: And what caused you to contact me on this lovely day.  


CG: DAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE FREAKING OUT ABOUT KANAYA’S BIRTHDAY AND NEGLECTED TO CONTACT YOUR’S TRULY FOR ADVICE.  


TT: Ah.  
TT: Believe me, I have everything under control.  


CG: ARE YOU SURE?  
CG: BECAUSE DAVE WAS KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT YOU.  


TT: Dave? Worried?  


CG: YES.  


TT: You know I jest, correct?  
TT: Dave is always worried, but he hides that worry under shades and a poker face.  


CG: DAVE HAS THE WORST POKER FACE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.  
CG: HE’S EASIER TO READ THAN JOHN, AND THAT GUY PRACTICALLY WEARS HIS HEART ON HIS SLEEVE.  


TT: I think that may be more due to the fact that you spend so much time with him rather than Dave having a horrible poker face.  


CG: THAT MAY BE TRUE, BUT WE AREN’T HERE TO BLABBER ON AND GOSSIP ABOUT DAVE THIS ENTIRE TIME.  
CG: WE’RE HERE BECAUSE DAVE EXPRESSED THAT YOU MIGHT REQUIRE MY EXPERTISE.  


TT: And what kind of expertise would that be?  


CG: ROSE, YOU’VE KNOWN ME FOR HOW FUCKING LONG?  
CG: AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MY EXPERTISE IS IN?  


TT: I have known you for several weeks, and I still do not know.  


CG: ROMANCE, ROSE. ROMANCE.  
CG: I AM A CERTIFIED EXPERT IN ROMANCE.  
CG: AND, BASED ON WHAT LITTLE DAVE TOLD ME, YOU NEED HELP GETTING A GIFT FOR KANAYA.  
CG: IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE ANYTHING BIG.  
CG: YOU CAN LITERALLY JUST USE ME AS A SOUNDING BOARD, AND I CAN TELL YOU HOW MUCH KANAYA WOULD LOVE A CERTAIN GIFT.  


TT: I…  
TT: I suppose I could let you offer help.  


CG: I GUESS THAT’S THE BEST I’M GOING TO GET OUT OF YOU.  
CG: WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO GET HER?  


TT: A handmade scarf with some crochet flowers sewed onto it.  
TT: In hindsight, it is rather embarrassing to say that out loud.  
TT: Maybe I should try doing something else.  


CG: ROSE.  
CG: ROSE.  
CG: I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FOR A QUICK MINUTE.  
CG: JUST, TAKE A MOMENT TO BREATHE.  
CG: IN, OUT, IN, OUT.  
CG: FORGET ANY AND ALL WORRIES ABOUT EVERYTHING.  
CG: NOW, LISTEN TO ME.  
CG: YOUR IDEA WAS FANTASTIC, AND I CAN’T CONCEIVABLY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO SCRAP SUCH A GREAT IDEA.  
CG: FUCK THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN SAYING THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.  
CG: IT’S IDIOTIC AND STUPID, AND YOU SHOULD REFUSE TO LISTEN TO IT.  


TT: I don’t believe it is that simple to merely turn off that part of your brain.  


CG: WELL, WHY DON’T YOU LET MY WORDS SOOTH YOUR MIND AND SOUL?  
CG: I, KANAYA’S MOIRAIL, AND THEREFORE THE INDIVIDUAL WHO KNOWS KANAYA THE BEST, AM TELLING YOU RIGHT FUCKING NOW THAT KANAYA WILL LOVE WHATEVER GIFT YOU GIVE HER.  
CG: SHE WILL ALSO LOVE GETTING A HOMEMADE SCARF.  
CG: I HAVE NEVER MET A SINGLE PERSON MORE APPRECIATIVE OF HANDMADE THINGS THAN KANAYA.  
CG: I GUARANTEE SHE WILL LOVE IT WITH ALL HER HEART.  
CG: HAS THIS HELPED YOU AT ALL?  


TT: …  
TT: You know what?  
TT: It actually has.  
TT: I appreciate your help, Karkat.  


CG: IT WAS A PLEASURE.  


TT: I apologize for asking this, but would you go to the knitting store with me?  
TT: I want to find the right kind of yarn to use for the scarf.  


CG: SURE, I’LL GO WITH YOU.  
CG: WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I’LL PICK YOU UP.

Once you had successfully secured Rose’s address, you went there to pick up Rose. She got out of her place and into your car.

“Okay, so you’re going to have to tell me where the fuck we are going to go because I have never been to a single knitting store in my lifetime. Fabric stores? Sure! I can navigate anyone to any fabric store in the entire goddamn town. I can also tell them which ones are full of shit and which ones are actually decent. But, knitting stores? That is out of my jurisdiction.”

“Take a right at the next intersection, and then you go straight before taking the first left you see. There will be a parking lot with a bunch of craft stores nearby.” Rose explained.

When you get to the knitting store, you are somehow surprised at the amount of yarn in it.

There are so many kinds of yarn. Thin yarn, thick yarn, colorful yarn, scratchy yarn, soft yarn, yarn in balls, yarn in these weird oblong shapes, gradient yarn. You were pretty glad it wasn’t you who was trying to find a specific material to use to make a scarf or sweater or something because you were pretty sure that you would have absolutely no idea what to do or even where to start.

Instead, Rose wondered around the store, while you stared at various objects. Like yarn. So much yarn. Who even needs this many types of goddamn yarn.

Eventually, you got to the point where you gave up attempting to help Rose find yarn and went to a box of clearance yarn to feel the yarn and squish the yarn balls.

Rose comes up to you with various things of yarn.

“Karkat, I request your assistance. I would like to know what kind of material Kanaya would like the best.”

“I’ll try, but, like I said earlier, I only have any sort of prowess when it comes to fabrics.”

“You can tell me what colors to use for the scarf. I was thinking of using this gradient yarn for the scarf.” She hands you some yarn that is several shades of green. “Do you have any advice for what color to use for the flowers?”

“I would use lavender for the flowers.” You decide. “A lot of trolls wear the color of their quadrantmates as a way of telling everyone who they’re with. Usually, it’s the blood color, but humans only have one blood color. You do type in lavender though, and trolls have the habit of hemotyping, so, at this point, I kind of associate the color with you, and I’m sure that Kanaya does too.”

“Oh.” Rose blushed and chose out some lavender yarn. She also grabbed a few more of the green, gradient yarn. Once she bought all the yarn she wanted to buy, the two of you returned to your car.

You drive Rose back to her house, but, before she goes, she turns to you.

“Thank you, Karkat. For going to the knitting store with me.”

“It wasn’t really any big deal. I mean, I barely did anything.”

“I still appreciate it.”

Rose left, and you just drove back home.

What to do. You guess you could troll Aradia for the first time in years. It would be nice to hear from her again.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE NEITHER OF US BOTHERED TO CONTACT EACH OTHER FOR YEARS.  
CG: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?  
CG: DAVE TELLS ME THAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ARCHEOLOGY.  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY COOL.  
CG: OH YEAH, THIS IS KARKAT BY THE WAY. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T RECOGNIZE MY HANDLE.  


AA: hello karkat!  
AA: its very nice to hear from you again  


CG: HOLY SHIT.  
CG: YOU DON’T PUT ZEROS FOR O’S ANYMORE.  


AA: yes it is quite the development  
AA: you still type in all caps  


CG: AND I STILL HAVE NO VOLUME CONTROL. BIG WHOOP.  


AA: the amount of swearing you do seems to have lessened as well  


CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM A MATURE ADULT WHO IS FULLY AWARE THAT ONE DOES NOT NEED TO SWEAR TO LAY DOWN AN INSULT THAT IS GUARANTEED TO BURN AT THE HIGHEST DEGREE POSSIBLE  


AA: people still tell you that you swear too much dont they  


CG: YEAH.  
CG: I’M PRETTY MUCH USED TO IT BY THIS POINT THOUGH.  
CG: ONCE I SAID HELL IN FRONT OF THIS LADY, AND SHE CLUTCHED AT HER CHEST LIKE I WAS LUCIFER HIMSELF.  
CG: I INFORMED HER THAT I WAS, IN FACT, A DEMON SENT BY SATAN HIMSELF THAT WAS THERE TO BRING CHAOS, DESTRUCTION, AND SIN UPON THE WORLD ONE CURSE WORD AT A TIME.  


AA: did you really  


CG: NO.  
CG: IN REALITY, I IGNORED HER AND WENT ON WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.  


AA: that was very mature of you  


CG: YEAH, WELL.  
CG: I’M NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL ANYMORE.  
CG: I’VE LEARNED THAT I SHOULD CHOOSE MY BATTLES VERY CAREFULLY.  


AA: that sounds fake but ok  


CG: WOW, RUDE.  
CG: I AM TOTALLY CAPABLE OF FIGURING OUT WHAT BATTLES I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT FIGHT.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I AM GETTING BETTER AT IT.  
CG: BY THE WAY, I ALSO HEARD THAT YOU WERE DATING SOLLUX?  
CG: HOW’S THAT SHITHEAD TREATING YOU.  


AA: speaking that sollux and i have been in a committed relationship for several years  
AA: really well  


CG: HOLY SHIT.  
CG: SOLLUX COMPLETELY NEGLECTED TO TELL ME ANY OF THIS.  
CG: WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER QUADRANTS?  


AA: ive only really filled the one quadrant  
AA: its difficult to find someone who would be willing to go out with someone who they are unable to contact for months at a time  


CG: I GUESS THAT WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON THINGS.  


AA: what about you  
AA: are you still moirails with gamzee  


CG: *GOD* NO.  
CG: WE BROKE UP A LONG ASS TIME AGO.  
CG: MY MOIRAIL IS KANAYA NOW.  


AA: i bet that nepeta was both disappointed and excited at that  


CG: I THINK AT SOME POINT SHE RECOGNIZED THAT GAMZEE AND I WEREN’T VERY GOOD FOR EACH OTHER AND UPDATED HER SHIPPING WALL WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE, SO SHE WASN’T NEARLY AS DISAPPOINTED AS SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD WE BROKEN UP WHILE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS STILL PRETTY HEALTHY.  
CG: ACTUALLY, NO.  
CG: IT WASN’T A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOR EITHER GAMZEE OR ME, AND I’M GLAD WE WERE BOTH MATURE ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT.  


AA: it sounds like you have a lot of experience dealing with pale romance now  
AA: what about your other quadrants  


CG: EMPTY.  
CG: NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE WHO VACILLATES LIKE A FUCKING MADMAN TO THE POINT OF IT NOT ACTUALLY BEING VACILLATING ANYMORE.  
CG: IT JUST BECOMES A WEIRD SORT OF MESS OF FEELINGS THAT CAN’T REALLY BE ORGANIZED INTO THE CATEGORIES OF RED OR BLACK ANYMORE.  


AA: i guess we are both in similar boats of not being able to date because of our respective circumstances  


CG: YEAH.  
CG: …  
CG: YOU SOUND LIKE A VILLAIN.  


AA: how so  


CG: THE ENTIRE “YOU AND I ARE THE SAME” TROPE THING THAT VILLAINS IN MOVIES AND TELEVISION SHOWS DO A LOT.  


AA: i suppose so  
AA: certainly not the worse thing to be told that i sound like  
AA: but karkat  
AA: i have something to ask you  
AA: youre still a self proclaimed romantic master correct  


CG: YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I AM.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU NEED?  
CG: I’LL HELP YOU FREE OF CHARGE.  


AA: i sorry to ask you something like this when our first time talking in a long time  
AA: but not many of the people that i know and talk to have any sort of knowledge about romance  
AA: particularly pale romance  


CG: GO ON.  


AA: im pale for someone  


CG: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.  
CG: I THINK I KNOW WHO IT IS, BUT TELL ME WHO IT IS ANYWAY.  


AA: its dave  
AA: i dont even know if he does quadrants or anything like that  
AA: but i wanted to ask you if you knew how i could best ask him out  


CG: ARADIA, THIS IS MY ADVICE TO YOU.  
CG: BE AS BLUNT AS POSSIBLE AND DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.  
CG: I HAVEN'T KNOWN DAVE FOR LONG, BUT WHAT I KNOW ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE’S AS OBLIVIOUS AS A BRICK FUCKING WALL.  


AA: so just go for it  


CG: YEAH.  


AA: thanks for the advice!  
AA: sorry to cut this conversation short but if i have to do this while im feeling motivated to

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You figure you should probably leave both Aradia and Dave alone for a while, so you decide to spend some time reading an old romance novel that you’ve had in your collection for years.

You’ve probably read this book a thousand times, and you practically know the words by heart. It’s your favorite one because of the complex quadrant vacillation included in the story, and the romance was much better done than in most romance novels you’ve read.

It was about the main character, Epiciu Goshum, a blue blood who became flushed for a jade blood despite their matespritship with a purple blood. Meanwhile, they also struggled with their moirailship with another blue blood, a morailship that soon dissolved. With the dissolution of the morailship, Epiciu soon finds themself pale for both a yellow blood and a rust blood, feelings that they struggle with because of their status in society.

Oddly enough, it was one of the few troll romances that focused more on red romance than black romance. While there was some black romance and vacillation, the majority of the story had feelings that showcased the complex dimensions of emotions directed towards a singular individual, which might have been part of why this was your favorite story.

Anyway, in the end, Epiciu ends up with both the jade and purple blood in a polyamorous flushed relationship, which was something that sounded like a bad idea, but the sequels to the book showed that it ended up being perfectly healthy.

As for their pale interests, they ended up only becoming moirails with the yellow blood, but they did become very good friends with the rust blood, and they ended up becoming an activist for blood color equality.

While there were sequels to the book focusing more on the actual relationships the protagonist was in, something you appreciated because of the way most romance novels ended when the protagonist and the love interest got together, the first book had always been your favorite.

You get maybe a quarter way through the book before you find that someone has started trolling you.

At first, you thought it was going to be Aradia messaging you back about how asking out Dave went, but, to your surprise, it ended up being Sollux.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TA: KK  
TA: ii need two a2k you 2omethiing  


CG: WHAT IS IT?  


TA: ok 2o dont freak out but iim planniing on proposiing to AA  


CG: WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, HOLD UP  
CG: YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE?  
CG: HOW LONG HAVE THE TWO OF YOU BEEN DATING?  


TA: KK ii told you not to freak out  
TA: but yeah iim goiing to propose  
TA: ii’ve programmed a viideo game about fiindiing artiifacts and 2tuff for her  
TA: and the fiinal level has the fo22iil2 2pelliing out that ii want two marry her  


CG: THAT’S ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE, AND I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.  
CG: HOWEVER, AT THE SAME TIME, I’M PISSED THAT YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE DATING HER SOONER  
CG: I LITERALLY LEARNED YOU WERE DATING HER TODAY FROM HER  
CG: AND THE ONLY REASON I TALKED TO HER WAS BECAUSE DAVE OF ALL PEOPLE KNEW HER FROM COLLEGE OR WHATEVER  
CG: AND I HADN’T TALKED TO HER IN FUCKING YEARS  


TA: wow ii’m 2urprii2ed you only u2ed one cur2e word  


CG: OKAY, WOW.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  


TA: ii thought you in2ult2 were more creatiive than that, a22hole  


CG: MY INSULTS ARE PLENTY CREATIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
CG: I JUST DIDN’T FEEL LIKE WASTING MY CREATIVITY ON YOU.  


TA: ii’m hurt KK ii really am  


CG: SUCK IT UP  


TA: anyway ii need 2omeone two te2t my game out who i2n’t me two tell me iif there are any bug2 or whatever that iive overlooked  


CG: I’LL NEED TO KNOW TWO THINGS BEFORE I AGREE TO THIS: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING ARADIA, AND HOW LONG WILL THE GAME TAKE TO PLAY?  


TA: we’ve been datiing for a few year2 and the game wiill probably take about an hour or two dependiing on how much you take your tiime  


CG: ALSO, IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR REASON THAT YOU’RE CHOOSING ME OF ALL PEOPLE TO REVIEW THE GAME?  


TA: ii don’t really talk to many other people and you’re the 2uppo2ed “kiing of romance”  


CG: ALRIGHT, I’LL PLAY THE GAME.  
CG: SEND ME THE LINK OR WHATEVER YOU NEED TO SEND ME IN ORDER TO TEST THE GAME.  


TA: yeah here you go  
TA: (link to game)  
TA: tell me any problem2 you miight have  


CG: WILL DO.  


TA: thank2

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You click on the link to the game, trusting that Sollux didn’t just send you a virus and began playing.

It was actually a pretty well-made game with Aradia shown as the sprite, and each time you found a fossil, a message box popped up talking about what a great job you did. All of the messages talked about how much Sollux loved Aradia, and it was honestly sickeningly sweet.

It really only took you an hour to play, and the final ending honestly made you tear up with how open and honest Sollux ended up being in his proposal, and you immediately messaged him the moment you finished the game.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CG: SHE’S GOING TO FUCKING LOVE IT.  
CG: SHIT, FUCK, I’M CRYING.  
CG: YOU BETTER INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING, ASSHOLE.  


TA: 2o no bug2 found?  


CG: NO, IT WAS PERFECT, AND I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD BE THAT SAPPY AND ROMANTIC.  


TA: yeah yeah shut up there2 no need to announce iit two the world  


CG: THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT MARRYING SOMEONE IS FOR, BUT OKAY.  


TA: iim goiing to do a few more ediits before 2endiing iit two her but iim defiiniitely doiing iit 2oon  


CG: I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU.  
CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT; I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED!  


TA: diid you ju2t u2e a 2emiicolon  


CG: I DON’T NEED YOUR JUDGEMENT FOR WHAT KIND OF PUNCTUATION I USE.  
CG: IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A SEMICOLON.  


TA: ii know how to u2e a 2emiicolon but iim not enough of a nerd to u2e them  


CG: YOU LITERALLY DESIGNED A VIDEO GAME TO PROPOSE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  
CG: YOU ARE JUST AS MUCH OF A NERD AS I AM.  


TA: yeah but ii’m a cool nerd  


CG: DON’T THINK I WON’T FIGHT YOU!!!  


TA: aha good luck wiith that

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: HEY!  
CG: GET BACK HERE SO I CAN FIGHT YOU!!!

But Sollux was gone. Whatever. You didn’t really care as long of you were invited to the wedding. You would probably actually fight Sollux if he didn’t invite you because that would be a real dick move.

You may or may not be salty about the one time _someone_ didn’t invite you to their wedding. But you wouldn’t name names.

You get back to your book, and you actually get pretty far before being trolled again. This time, it was Aradia.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

AA: karkat!  
AA: thanks for your advice!!!  


CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH DAVE NOW?  


AA: yeah!!!  


CG: I’M SUPER HAPPY FOR YOU!!!  


AA: yeah im glad we got that sorted out  
AA: it took a while to iron out the details and stuff but weve basically established our moirailship  
AA: but yeah you were right i did have to be very blunt  
AA: which i should have maybe known since ive known him for longer but you know what they say  
AA: hindsight is twenty twenty  


CG: THAT’S A REALLY WEIRD PHRASE.  


AA: it is  
AA: i wonder where it came from  
AA: …  
AA: hindsight means thinking about things after theyve happened and twenty twenty refers to perfect eyesight  
AA: which in hindsight makes it pretty obvious  


CG: A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.  


AA: well i should get going!  
AA: i need to pack for the next trip im going on!  


CG: GOOD LUCK!  
CG: I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.  


AA: i always do!  
AA: ill be sure to troll you when i can

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: holy shit karkat youll never guess what just happened  


CG: I’M GOING TO GUESS THAT YOU BECAME OFFICIAL MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA.  


TG: shit howd you know  
TG: did ara already tell you  
TG: you already had a sick ass convo with her  


CG: I HAVE.  


TG: awesome  
TG: well i was just here to drop the news on your fine ass  
TG: i mean  
TG: you know what  
TG: fuck it  
TG: you do have a nice ass but forget i said that  
TG: i was here to give you the official dave strider seal that ara and i are now rails but i guess youve already got a hold of that sweet info so im gonna ollie out of here k  
TG: got others to bless this information with  
TG: dont be a stranger  


CG: I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF IT.  


TG: awesome cool right message you later karkat bro

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You basically spend the rest of the day reading your favorite series. Thank god for days off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to reread this entire fanfic bc i forgot what was going on


	12. Two Future Visits???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't take six months to write! fantastic! but that's probably because it's shorter, but that's fine because it's more of a transition chapter

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

AA: dave!!!  
AA: youll never guess what just happened!!!  


TG: yo ara lay it on me  
TG: if you say ill never guess then i guess ill never guess but youve piqued my curiosity here and ive absolutely got to know what you want to tell me  
TG: although presumably youre going to tell me regardless of whether or not i actually guess  


AA: you would be correct  


TG: ara im dying  
TG: i need to know this sweet ass thing that just happened  
TG: i might die if i dont find out soon  
TG: there i go  
TG: on my deathbed  
TG: struggling for breath and doing my goddamn best to make words come out of my mouth  
TG: and you of all people know exactly how much i talk  
TG: holy shit that last moment at my death i can barely speak  
TG: but i manage it just enough to say my last words  
TG: put a whoopie cushion on dirks seat at my funeral  
TG: everyones in tears  
TG: the most perfect last words  


AA: alright! ill tell you!!!  
AA: sollux proposed to me!!!  


TG: holy shit!!!  
TG: thats fantastic!!!!  
TG: what do people do when someone proposes  
TG: do we celebrate  
TG: should we celebrate  
TG: that certainly seems like something worth celebrating  
TG: should we have a party  
TG: just  
TG: holy fuck  
TG: when did he propose how did he propose  
TG: lay all the deets on me  


AA: so remember when i told you he had something he was working on that he couldnt show me because it was a surprise for me  
AA: it turns out that it was a video game  
AA: it was really cute and sweet and it was a game about finding fossils  
AA: it was at the very end when the fossils spelled out will you marry me  
AA: and thats how sollux proposed to me!  


TG: thats absolutely adorable oh my god  
TG: i dont think i can handle this cuteness  
TG: satisfaction may have brought me back the the cuteness killed me again  


AA: dave!  
AA: you cant die yet!  


TG: well i wasnt planning on dying quite yet because i still have shit to do  
TG: and if i died i would start wandering the world as a ghost because i had unfinished business  
TG: youll have to burn my body  
TG: or put it in a museum  
TG: that would be kick ass  
TG: thats where i want my bones to be when i die  
TG: ill make a museum and then all the little kids will be able to see the creators bones scattered about in a glass case  
TG: it will even have my shades on my skull  
TG: and the kids will go  
TG: woah thats one sick ass skull what a cool dude  


AA: the coolest  
AA: but i wanted to tell you that im coming into town for the wedding!  
AA: im going to take some time off of work so that i can have a proper wedding with all my friends and stuff  


TG: !!!!  
TG: holy shit!!!!!  
TG: what are we going to do i have no idea  
TG: i just i havent seen you in person in so fucking long  
TG: oh my god  
TG: aradia im so excited holy shit!!!!  


AA: im also very excited!!!  
AA: however the wedding is going to take a while to plan and i will still be working during that time so im not coming for a few months  
AA: i just wanted to tell you that i will be there eventually  


TG: i honestly cant wait  


AA: i cant wait either  
AA: i do have to go now  
AA: afterall my work is never done  
AA: i will troll you when i have some free time <>  


TG: sounds great <>

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You wonder who you gush to first about the news.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose rose rose rose rose rose rose  
TG: guess what  


TT: Did you perhaps learn how to use punctuation?  


TG: no and your girlfriend didnt either  


TT: That’s cold, Dave. That’s really cold.  
TT: But, please, do tell this secret that you have been withholding from me for so long.  


TG: aras gettin married to sollux!!!!  
TG: isnt that fucking some fucking fantastic shit  
TG: like holy shit my moirail is getting married  


TT: Your moirail?  


TG: its a recent development  
TG: anyway shes getting married and shes coming to town in a few months and rose  
TG: rose  
TG: im so fucking excited rose like holy shit  
TG: i havent seen ara in ages and now shes getting married  
TG: im just so fucking happy for her  


TT: I’m happy for her as well.  
TT: Please, tell her congratulations for me.  
TT: Who’s she getting married to?  


TG: shes getting married to her boyfriend of like five years i think  
TG: i know theyve been dating for a while but i dont really know exactly how long who knows  
TG: but his name is sollux and i dont really know much about him outside what aras told me but he seems like a pretty cool dude  
TG: and i trust her judgement anyways  


TT: Be sure to give her my congratulations.  


TG: ill be sure to do that  
TG: now if youll excuse me im gonna tell literally everyone about this

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: jade youll never guess  


GG: im going to take a wild guess and say that someones getting married!  


TG: holy shit i guess you did guess  
TG: never mind then  


GG: no!  
GG: dont go!  
GG: i dont know the details yet!  


TG: well if you insist  
TG: shes getting married to sollux who ive never actually met but he seems like a pretty cool dude from what ive heard from him  
TG: and shes coming to town in the next few months after planning the wedding and finishing up the job she has right now  
TG: and so well get to see her!!!!  
TG: jade ill get to see aradia!!!  
TG: holy shit you might actually become friends!!!  


GG: !!!!  
GG: i cant wait!!!!!!  


TG: anyway ive got to relay the news to john now  
TG: hes the last to know  


GG: i wont spoil the surprise for him  
GG: but if you wait for too long rose might!  


TG: oh shit youre absolutely right  
TG: i gots to go  
TG: be sure to tell me about those cars youre working on later k cause they seem cool as shit  


GG: will do!

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: hey there johnny boy  


EB: i’ll listen to whatever you have to say, dave, but you have to promise to never call me “johnny boy” ever again.  


TG: alright alright i promise  
TG: but i also promise that what im going to tell you is going to blow your fucking mind  


EB: try me.  


TG: aras getting married!!!  


EB: what!  
EB: holy shit, dude!  
EB: god, i haven’t even talked to her in such a long time.  
EB: and now i’m hearing that she’s getting married?  
EB: just, wow.  


TG: yeah i know right  
TG: shits groovy  


EB: did you really just use the word “groovy” in a completely unironic context, dave?  


TG: yes  
TG: ive moved passed liking things ironically egbert  
TG: you got to enjoy things as they come and let no one shame you for liking them  


EB: that’s some solid advice, my dude  


TG: anytime

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

Welp, you’ve messaged your main best friends about the wedding, and you’ve mostly got the excitement out of your system, at least until Aradia gives you more details about the planning of her wedding, and you're also going to assume that Aradia is going to message her other friends about the wedding.

Might as well do some work, and, by that, you mean it’s time to review some stuff that you may or may not have been procrastinating reviewing. But it’s time to take action! Make yourself a better person and stuff like that. One destruction of the thing you’re supposed to be doing at a time.

“Now, everyone wants to know how well these nail polishes work, and I am clearly the person to go to if you want to know about nail polishes because I paint my nails all the time, which you would see if you’ve watched my other videos.”

You make a mental note to put photos of your clearly not painted nails over the screen during the editing process.

You first start out doing what you always do in your videos, which is describe the object you’re reviewing in great detail.

“Okay, so this nail polish is kind of liquidy, like all nail polishes I’ve seen are, and this one that I’m holding is a blue one. Like, a blue that’s one of the prettiest blues you’ve ever seen, like the feeling when it’s slightly rainy outside, and you’ve got all your work done, so you’re just sitting there, listening to the soft rain, holding your favorite warm beverage and a feeling of calm washes over you, and everything is okay. You know. Like that.”

You turn the nail polish bottle around to see what else you could describe.

“There also seems to be bits of glitter hanging around in there. They look silvery like the sound of rain. Or the sound of a coin clanking against the ground. Mmmm, no, that would be a gold color, so let’s stick with the sound of rain.”

You then describe the bottle the nail polish is in, including what the font looks like and the color of the lid (white).

“I do have these other colors that came in the set, so I have a total of five. One for each finger. All of them have the same silver glitter as the blue one so that you know that they are from the same set or brand or whatever.

“The other colors are green, red, pink, and orange. Honestly, they could have gone for the complete rainbow, but they didn’t because they’re cowards. Where’s my yellow? My purple? With the colors they gave me, I can’t do the full gay rainbow. How are people supposed to know how bi I am without purple?

“Anyway, let’s get to describing each of these colors. This green- like a grassy meadow. It’s the smell of flowers, but then you sneeze because you’re allergic to pollen.” You pick up the green polish and hold it up so the viewers could see it. Then you put down the green polish to pick up the red one.

“The red is firey, and it’s probably my favorite out of these colors. It looks like someone shouting encouraging words at you but in an aggressive way, so you’re not really sure if they’re insulting you or not. Spoilers, they’re insulting you while telling you how much they love you because they can’t let anybody know they’re emotionally vulnerable.”

You then pick up the pink nail polish.

“And the pink- prettiest fucking pink you’ll ever see. Like a song that makes your heart thump and burn from thinking about the one you love, you know? Kind of also makes me think of cookies. Like, sugar cookies, especially the ones shaped like hearts. It’s a very lovey-dovey sort of color.”

And then, at long last, you pick up the orange polish and gazed at it.

“And, finally, we have this orange polish. Now, it looks exactly like an orange smells like. Or like salty orange juice. Why would you put salt in your orange juice? A prank? That’s the only conceivable reason I can think of, but I’m not here to judge people for their eating or drinking habits. But, now that we’ve looked carefully at all these polishes, it’s time to actually get to the painting part.”

You open the orange polish because you were already holding it, and you examine the consistency of the nail polish.

“Yep, that’s nail polish alright. Let’s put that shit on our nails and see what happens.”

You proceed to messily paint your nails. There’s nail polish everywhere. You somehow get nail polish on your face. You have no idea what happened. You look later- there’s nail polish on your foot. You don’t know how it got there.

You do, in fact, manage to paint all your nails, however messy the end result ended up being, so you are proud of yourself for managing to do that much.

After recording the video and making sure you actually recorded all that, you uploaded the footage and decided to edit it later.

After an hour or so of scrolling through mindless memes, you get a message on pesterchum.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: guess who the FUCK is comign to town next week  
TG: *coming  
TG: that’s right  
TG: me  
TG: ur fav sis  


TG: oh shit this is fantastic  
TG: dont tell rose that youre my favorite sister though  
TG: i would never hear the end of it  


TG: ur secret is safe with me  
TG: *wonk*  
TG: anyway  
TG: i was just here to tell you that.  
TG: dont be a stranger

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Holy fucking shit. You can’t believe you got news of some of your favorite people coming to visit in the same day. Granted, they weren’t arriving in the same time period, but still.

You can’t believe Roxy is coming next week!! You are so ready to spend time with Roxy. It’s going to be a blast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized that i'm 12 chapters into a slow burn fanfic, and the two main characters haven't even fallen in love with each other yet, and i don't know when that's going to happen. might be a few more chapters. i also realized why i avoided pesterlogs between roxy and dave for so long (hint: it's because both of them are TG- also the reason why their convo is so short. i'm going to pass it off as roxy being a busy person but shhhh no one knows the true reason)


	13. Roxy is Visiting!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I haven't forgotten about this fic, I swear! Just, like, don't expect to update super frequently, as is clearly evident by my sporadic updating schedule.

“How’s my favorite little brother doing?” Roxy put you into what was basically a wrestling move with how aggressive it was, but you were pretty sure it was meant to be a hug, so you tried to hug her back.

“Good.” You managed to squeak out. You really couldn't breathe that well with Roxy squeezing you like that.

After a few more seconds of Roxy hugging you, she finally stopped, and, therefore, you could finally breathe.

“How have you been doing?” You asked. “Hack into anything you shouldn’t have yet?”

“I’ve been doing great! And I’ve only hacked into something I shouldn’t have a few times.”

“Define a few times.”

“Like, at least a hundred.” Roxy frowned. “But that doesn’t matter because I’m here, and we’re going to have some fun. Where’s Rose?”

“I think she’s on a date right now.”

“What! Rose has a date? Who is she?” Roxy asked. “How many dates have they been on? Have they kissed yet? Are they in love? When am I going to be invited to the wedding? Dave, you need to tell me everything.”

“Woah there, Roxy. You might want to chill it a bit with the questions. I can’t keep track of them all. And you might want to ask Rose those questions once she comes back from her date. She should know that you’re here anyway.” You looked at Roxy somewhat suspiciously. “You did remember to tell Rose you were coming here, right? You didn’t just tell me and trust that I would tell Rose?”

“Well, uh, I may have… forgotten.” Roxy looked sheepish for a moment before bouncing back. “But, it’s whatev’s because I’m here now, and I’m staying with you, so it’s not like room and board is an issue or anything.”

“Rose is going to be so mad about not being able to get a gift for you when you arrived.”

“She doesn’t have to get me a gift every single time I visit. I’m her sister! And I try to make a habit of visiting as often as my job will allow.”

“How is your job going by the way? I trust it’s going as smooth as chocolate fondue that’s going to be spread on some cake or some shit?”

“My job is going super! But, now I’m hungry. We should go out to eat and catch up and stuff.” Roxy suggested. “Then I can tell you all about the shit I’ve been building. Oh, yeah, and I can tell you about my new coworker who's absolutely shredded. Like, woah. I don’t know what he did previously for a living, but he is completely jacked, bro.”

“Like, he can probably bench press you jacked or he can probably bench press a car jacked?”

“I’m pretty sure he could bench press a building if it was detached from the ground,” Roxy answered.

“Oh shit. That’s pretty fucking jacked. Do you think he could pick up a skyscraper? Or the moon? Imagine picking up the moon. That would be absolutely insane.”

“Dave, my brother.” Roxy put a hand on your shoulder and put her other hand into a loose fist. “I will make that happen. I will make it so my coworker can lift the moon. I will break the laws of physics to do it.”

“I have no doubt you’ll be able to do it. Haven’t you already figured out how to basically bend space-time to go faster than the speed of light?”

“Something like that. It’s still a prototype though, so it’s not actually safe to use quite yet. But, when it is functional and safe, you’ll be the first to know!”

“Will I be able to go to Mars in it?”

“Probably not. But, you could if you got the training of an astronaut, but I really wouldn’t recommend going through with that unless you really, really want to go to space because it’s super hard to become an astronaut.”

“Yeah, I’ll just keep making GrubTube videos.” You said. “Also, we should probably actually get going if we want to get to dinner unless you want to stay in here and make instant ramen.”

“Please eat actual food, Dave.”

“I’m just joking with you.” You laughed somewhat. “I actually do make enough money from GrubTube to afford things that aren’t instant ramen. I actually have a few vegetables in my fridge.”

“Do you eat those vegetables?”

“Do you?”

Roxy squinted at you suspiciously before laughing.

“Of course I do, you doofus! My wife makes me.”

“Because you’re clearly not responsible enough to eat them yourself. Didn’t Callie try to become a ‘meatatarian’ at some point, though?”

“Yeah…” Roxy scratched the back of her head. “But that’s probably why she’s so adamant about people eating their vegetables nowadays. She knows why they’re important.”

“Nothing like scurvy to remind someone that eating their vegetables is important.” You then pointed towards the door. “Also, speaking of vegetables, we’ve just kind of stood here talking without actually making any sort of progress in terms of moving out the door to get food in our bodies, so we should maybe, probably ollie outie out of here.”

“Oh, yeah, right.”

The two of you manage to leave and go to a noodle place nearby. Because, clearly, that’s the best place to go to right after discussing how important vegetables are to one’s diet. Then again, the noodle place did have a shit ton of vegetarian options, so you were probably fine in the vegetable department.

“Wait, isn’t vitamin C the thing that causes you to have scurvy? Not vegetables?” Roxy questioned.

“Shit. I think you might be right. Call Callie right away. She needs to know so that she can cut down on as many vegetables as she wants.”

“She does need to eat vegetables though.” Roxy insisted. “I lied when she said she’s very adamant about people eating their veggies. She still politely complains every time I put some greens on her plate. Callie always eats them though, the sweetie.”

“How do you politely complain about something?”

“You eat everything except the vegetables on your plate, and then you grimace slightly before eating your vegetables.”

“I don’t think that counts as actually complaining.” You waved your arm around. “I think you might actually have to, I don’t know, say or, like, sign something in order for it to be considered actual complaining. Which reminds me, did Calliope ever manage to get a sign language class?”

“Oh, yeah! She did! You should have seen her face when she got to teach sign language. She was so happy. She babbled on for ages about how excited she was to see how happy other kids would be to finally be able to talk to other kids normally through their preferred form of communication.” Roxy had a dopey smile on her face. “She was so cute.”

“That’s awesome! I’m glad she was finally able to accomplish that. She’s been wanting to start up that class for years now, right?”

“Yeah. It took her a long time to do because the school board thought that there wouldn't be enough interest from the students, so she had to do this huge petition of students who said they would want to learn sign language from her.”

“Really? The school board really thought that no one would be interested in learning sign language?”

“I know, right?” Roxy said. “It's just, obsolute, I mean actulute, fuck, absolutely, absolutely absurd.”

“I can't see why you WOULDN'T want to learn sign language. It's like a secret language except it's not really a secret language. You can communicate with other people without sound! How awesome is that? I think that's super awesome and kick-ass, and I could honestly write, like, a fucking book on how awesome it is.”

“Going to follow in Rosey’s footsteps? Going to write the next great novel that's going to be read for generations to come?”

“Nah. That's not really my thing.” You shrugged. “That being said, I do actually have dreams and aspirations that are completely unrelated to my GrubTube channel, and, hence, my source of cash.”

“I hope you achieve your dreams at some point in the future. You mind me asking about them?”

“I mean, sure it's not like they're some kind of deeply kept secret or anything. I want to be a museum curator someday. No idea exactly how to go about doing that, but I've got some sort of vague idea how it's gonna go down.”

“Well, I spose you’re gonna need some dank ass artifacts.”

“Hella dank artifacts.” You agreed. “Just, like, an entire section on bones, and another on weird ass pottery, and yet another on how gay some dudes were. Maybe I can convince other museums to give me their weird shit. You know, all the stuff they keep in the back because it’d be too embarrassing to explain. Well, fuck that shit, I’m gonna be showing tatas left and right, and look at that! There’s a dick corner all the way over there, and a vagina area right next to it. In addition, here’s a couple of statues fucking because no one else wants to showcase them to the public because it’s too ‘obscene.’”

“Hell yeah. Stick it to those old farts who refuse to show off the old farts.” Roxy laughed, and you laughed with her.

“We’re going to have the oldest farts in the business! Everybody will get to see the old farts.”

“How’re you even going to get ancient farts? Are you going to find them in the depths of the Earth and then quickly find a jar to put the smell in the moment you get a whiff of those disgusting old farts?”

“Truly the best way to capture a fart is a mystery to most,” You decided to put on your best stereotypically pretentious voice. “But I have no doubt my team of explorers will find a way to do it.”

“Who does your team consist of? Who are these archaeologists that don't get nearly enough recognition by society?” Roxy responded in the most reporter-esque style she could muster.

“Well, first and foremost, I have my most kick-ass leader of this group, the one and only Aradia Megido, and she is, of course, accompanied by famous book writer, Rose Lalonde, who archives the findings.”

“Speaking of Rosey, should we have brought her to dinner with us?”

“I mean, we’re already basically done at this point so it's not like we could invite her. We can get her to come with us next time we go out.”

“We should also probably tell her that you're actually here. How do you want to go about doing that? Are. You gonna tell her over pesterchum or text message or something, or are you just gonna show up to her place and be like 'what’s up, I'm here.’”

“Uh,” Roxy thought for a moment. “I'm just gonna message her. So that I don't have to deal with questioning face to face.”

“That does seem to be the most logical course of action. You might want to do that asap, though. I would tell you to have done that before you even began coming over here, but you can’t exactly go back in time to do that. And, even if you could, you already would have done it because you would have gone back in time to tell yourself to message Rose. And, there’s also the issue with, like, paradoxes and alternate timelines, so there’s def the full possibility that you could have done that, but then when you come back to your timeline, the timeline where you told yourself to message Rose could be a different timeline from the one you’re in, so it wouldn’t have been worth it to even go back in time in the first place.”

“Oh, yeah, no time paradoxes here. None whatsoever. I’m just gonna travel into the future at one second per second like everybody else. Though, tbh, I wouldn’t really want time travel as a superpower. Seems too complicated. I’d much rather, like, appearify stuff from thin air, you know?”

“Oh, hell yeah that would be sick as shit. Personally, I would much rather do some timey shit. Like, yeah, it would be, like, super complicated, but whatever. I guess I would just have to take that risk. Figure out all those alt timelines or whatever. And you do your voidy shit.”

“We’d make a hella team.”

“We’d make an absolutely bitchin team, Rox. I could just do timey shit, and you could do your voidy shit. Honestly, I don’t really know how well that would go, but, like, theoretically, you could go into the void or some shit where my powers don’t reach, which would allow shit I don’t want to do timey stuff on to stay stationary in terms of time while everything else gets a time makeover.”

“Speaking of time, I think it’s time for us to go,” Roxy said, pointing a thumb towards the exit of the restaurant. “We’ve kinda been chatting for too long, and I think the people working here are getting annoyed by the fact that we’re taken up a table.”

“Oh, shit, you’re right. We should probably leave. Can’t be stealing and hogging this table all to ourselves. There are people who need to be fed, and we’ve already been fed.”

You both left the restaurant found yourselves right back at your place. You feel like you two could have gone somewhere else, but nope. You and Roxy plopped down on the couch in your room.

“You know, Davey, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen your GrubTube channel. Care to show me a few of your vids?”

“Are you just procrastinating telling Rose that you arrived in town?”

“Maaaybe.”

“Goddamn it, Roxy. Just pester her already.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll allow myself to be vulnerable to her wrath. She will be the reason for my untimely doom. It will be an eternity before she forgives me for my slight against her. Me! A lowly peasant in her kingdom of prose, unable to escape the confines of vice. Even though I kinda did. I’ve been sober for five years, and I’m, like, hella proud of myself for that, but we’re working within the box of the metaphor, and I’m tryin to be as dramatic as possible.”

"Lamenting about your supposed doom won't do anything to stop it from coming," You mention. "Also, I'm hella proud of you too for being sober for five years. That's a huge fucking achievement, and you deserve recognition for that. You should get, like, a fucking medal or some shit."

"I know, right? Five fucking years! I should at least get a certificate."

"Maybe I could forge one. Just be like, 'This certificate is proof that Roxy Lalonde has been sober for five fucking years.' That's exactly what it will say, curse words and all because I don't know how to make a sentence without adding a curse word in the middle of it. This is exactly why I should never have kids. Can you even imagine? Little five-year-olds going off into kindergarten and getting in a shit ton of trouble because they said 'Fuck you' to little Suzy. But it'll be for a good reason, like little Suzy was pulling on some other kid's pigtails, and my kid jumped in like a fucking hero, but they're gonna be swearing up a storm while they do it." You push up your shades because they started falling off your face with the amount of moving around and gesturing you just did in that long hypothetical situation. "Anyway, you should message Rose. I'll even cheer you on as you do it."

"Ugh! Fine!" Roxy got out her phone and started typing up a storm. You're pretty sure you've never met anyone who can type or text faster than Roxy. It was actually pretty fucking impressive. It also probably had something to do with the fact that she was a programmer and hacker.

"How's Rose taking it?" You ask, wondering exactly how long it will take for Roxy to properly deal with the damage that came with informing Rose that she's in town only after actually arriving in town.

"About as well as expected. This might take a while." Roxy winced as if Rose was yelling at her in person. "A long while."

"I'll find someone to talk to then." You went over to your computer and spun a mental wheel as to who you should talk to.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: john  
TG: bro  
TG: were you informed of the fact that the one the only roxy lalonde is in town  
TG: she has decided to grace us with her presence  
TG: and we should be eternally grateful  
TG: also did you know that shes been sober for five years  
TG: fucking  
TG: five whole years  
TG: thats amazing  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: i know your online it hasnt given me that goddamn popup yet  
TG: john  
TG: johnathan  
TG: johnny  
TG: john  
TG: johnathan edison egbert  
TG: jk i know you have more than one middle name  
TG: edisons the only one i remember tho  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: who are you talking to right now  
TG: you could just tell me who youre talking too  
TG: or did you like  
TG: leave the computer and forget to say you were offline  
TG: that would be a dumb as shit thing to do  
TG: especially since the new update literally does it for you if youre gone for long enough  
TG: which means you couldnt have been gone for long  
TG: john  


EB: and my full name is john edison sam sebastian october egbert.  
EB: just so you know!  


TG: what really  
TG: one of your middle names is october  


EB: no, i was pulling your leg on that one.  
EB: it's actually ian.  


TG: so john edison sam sebastian ian egbert  
TG: thats a mouthful  
TG: and the initials spell out another name  


EB: i could go by jessie in secret.  
EB: and it will just my full name's initials.  
EB: and it technically wouldn't be a lie if i said it was my name.  


TG: in what possible context would you use a fake name and need to sound convincing enough to say it was your real name  


EB: you never know what kind of situations you could be in!  
EB: also it makes for a great joke in my comedy sketches.  


TG: what are you just going around making a joke about how your name spells another name  


EB: pretty much!  


TG: well shit  
TG: also when is your new special gonna come out on netflix  
TG: i been watching out for it but im still just human  
TG: subject to the desires of the shows netflix decides to have  


EB: i think it should come out in about a month or two.  
EB: although it's probably closer to two if netflix isn't showing the release date for it.  


TG: damnit  
TG: and here i was looking forward to sitting on a couch with roxy and laughing at your jokes  


EB: oh!  
EB: is roxy in town?  


TG: yeah pretty sure i mentioned that at the start of this convo  


EB: i don't exactly always read your walls of text, dave.  


TG: wow john im so hurt  
TG: not really  
TG: its understandable  
TG: anyway rox is telling rose that shes actually in town  
TG: which she neglected to do beforehand  


EB: oh no!  


TG: oh yes  
TG: apparently rose is pissed  
TG: probably because she wasnt able to go all out in welcoming roxy to town  
TG: but then again thats kinda what roxy wants to avoid  
TG: shes pretty lowkey you know  


EB: yeah.  
EB: that sounds more like something they need to talk about though!  


TG: fuck yeah they do  
TG: theyve got different boundaries  
TG: rox prefers smaller gestures  
TG: and rose likes to be loud and proud about shit  
TG: both are fine but they tend to clash because of it  


EB: yeah :/  
EB: should we intervene somehow?  
EB: make sure they've got plenty of time to talk it out?  
EB: maybe over tea or whatever.  
EB: i know rose has been dying to do some sort of tea party.  


TG: fuck yeah  
TG: that sounds like a great idea  
TG: actually i should encourage rose to put into action the tea party  
TG: knowing her shes been lamenting about it for fucking ever  
TG: and isnt actually going to do it until shes pushed to  
TG: even though she really wants to  


EB: she's gotten better at that sort of thing though!  
EB: like that girl she's dating!  
EB: what was her name?  


TG: oh yeah kanaya  
TG: shes chill  


EB: yeah!  
EB: rose managed to ask her out, right?  


TG: yep pretty sure it was rose who did the asking out  


EB: that means she's probably getting better at getting what she wants to get.  
EB: so that means she's that much closer to throwing a fancy party where we all have to wear suits.  


TG: that might be the reason why she was so adamant about me getting a suit  
TG: cant be going to a fancy as fuck party in a tshirt and skinny jeans like some kind of jackass  


EB: isn't that your entire aesthetic?  


TG: no  
TG: maybe  
TG: just a little bit  
TG: but i gotta be a jackass in style john  
TG: i cant be a jackass at a party in a tshirt and jeans  
TG: i gotta be the jackass in the obnoxious red suit that you can see from a mile away  
TG: and also wearing those douchebag shades because thats just part of the strider style  


EB: sounds like youve got this entire thing figured out.  
EB: but we cant forget to actually get roxy and rose to talk to each other!  


TG: right of course that is the number one mission  
TG: unless they're already talking about it  
TG: roxy seems to be going at her phone keyboard like she has a personal vendetta against it  
TG: then we can all just have a good time at the party in roses fucking mansion that she doesnt need  
TG: why does she even have a mansion  
TG: why is it only twenty minutes away from my modest place  
TG: why does she keep it meticulously cleaned  
TG: actually i dont know that last part  


EB: i don't think i've actually ever been to rose's place!  
EB: i've only seen it when picking her up for something.  


TG: maybe she has something that is secret in there  
TG: like the gods of the void  


EB: or maybe she just bought a mansion as some sort of passive-aggressive statement.  


TG: yeah that sounds like her  
TG: she probably houses a bunch of homeless people there to spit the government and the rich people in the neighborhood  
TG: im surprised her lawn isnt a mess to protest the idea that dandelions are weeds  


EB: we could always ask her what she does with her mansion!  


TG: one of us should make a mental note to ask her about that  
TG: or at the very least investigate when she inevitably throws a fancy ass party there  


EB: do you think she would buy all the people living there fancy suits and dresses  


TG: i have no doubt of it  


EB: well, this was a great conversation, but i have to go soon!  
EB: i've got new comedy sketches to write, and i have no idea what i'm doing, so it's going to take a while.  


TG: completely understandable  
TG: have fun writing all that  


EB: we should talk again soon!  
EB: i'll even tell you all about my secret comedy sketches!  


TG: holy shit an egbert original  
TG: hasnt even seen the light of day original  
TG: it will be my lucky day when that happens  


EB: well, see ya, dave!  


TG: bye bye john

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

"Hey! Roxy! Have you gotten anywhere in your conversation with Rose?"

"Uh, no, sorry, Dave. Me and Rosey are having a long discussion about boundaries, which we probably should have had, like, a really long time ago. Who were you talking to?"

"John. He needed to leave to work on his comedy sketches though. I might message Jade next if you're still busy."

"Yep. Still hella busy."

"That's all good. Take your time. You are a guest here."

"Thanks, Davey."

"No problemo." You returned back to your computer.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: yo jade  
TG: whats up  


GG: the usual  
GG: weve been getting some progress in building the car ai though!  
GG: i swear ive talked to so many rubber ducks  
GG: so many  
GG: i feel like we need a rubber duck the size of a building  
GG: everything goes wrong  
GG: but now less is going wrong so thats good!!!  


TG: thats so fucking awesome  
TG: im afraid i dont know about the rubber ducks though  


GG: theyre basically a sounding board  
GG: you know  
GG: something goes wrong in the code so you talk to the duck until you realize whats wrong with the code  


TG: that makes perfect sense but why a rubber duck  


GG: no idea  
GG: might have something to do with the fact that they are common and fairly easy to manufacture  
GG: but theoretically one could do it with another person or a stuffed animal or whatever  
GG: although a person might not be the best for it  


TG: why not  


GG: some of us have a tendency to throw the rubber duck really hard when we are particularly frustrated by the code  
GG: or mad that we didnt realize the mistake in the code because it was so goddamn obvious  


TG: yeah i guess you would want to avoid throwing people at the wall unless they were a complete and utter douche  


GG: oh no you dont throw those people  
GG: you just punch them  
GG: its faster  
GG: i would say shoot them but murder is illegal  


TG: also the entire thing with guns  


GG: yeah  
GG: i love guns but at the same time  
GG: there should definitely be restrictions on them!  
GG: there is a reason why babies should not duel wield flintlock pistols!!!!!!!!!!  


TG: yeah no  
TG: dont give infants flintlock pistols  
TG: or any guns for that matter  
TG: your grandpa was kind of crazy  


GG: :/  
GG: he was  
GG: also he doesnt believe in gun control  


TG: yikes  


GG: pretty much  
GG: so, what about you?  
GG: hows your life going?  


TG: roxy has come over but shes currently telling rose that shes in town  
TG: you know  
TG: after not informing her that she was going to be in town previously  


GG: oh no!!!  


TG: yeah thats what john said too  


GG: no one really wants to face roses wrath  
GG: shes very scary when shes angry!!!  
GG: :(  


TG: mood  
TG: yeah nobody wants to be within twenty feet of rose when shes pissed  
TG: but i think roxy has passed the angry part and has reached the part where they are having a conversation about boundaries  


GG: thats good!!!  
GG: is there anything else thats going on?  


TG: no really  
TG: kind of just been sitting inside and doing grubtube videos  
TG: the usual  
TG: you know  
TG: i feel like i need to do something more exciting for my videos  
TG: at least to celebrate hitting like a shit ton of subscribers  


GG: you could have a guest star or something like that  


TG: you mean just like ask one of my friends if theyd like to join a video  


GG: yeah!!!  
GG: you just have to find someone whod be comfortable with it  


TG: would you be  


GG: no not really  
GG: im a little paranoid about having my face on the internet  
GG: my instagram doesnt even show my face at all and i keep it private!!  


TG: i see your point  
TG: its completely understandable  
TG: i will be sure to ask someone else  
TG: like roxy or john  
TG: john or karkat actually would be a good choice  
TG: like karkat wrote the rant that made my channel super popular  
TG: it was already popular but the rant made it extra popular  
TG: so a kind of interview with him would be cool  
TG: and netflix is apparently gonna release johns new thing soon  
TG: so it could be kind of a promotion thing for both him and me  
TG: john would probably be chill with it  
TG: karkat on the other hand  
TG: probably not  
TG: he seems like the kind of guy who would try to hide his face anytime someone took a photo of him  


GG: hes actually pretty photogenic!!!  


TG: what really  


GG: yeah!  
GG: he might actually accept to be in a grubtube video  
GG: but depending on the content he might not  
GG: but like  
GG: based on his distaste for your channel  
GG: i would at least wait until the two of you have a better relationship with each other  


TG: point taken  
TG: john it is  
TG: might as well ask roxy just because shes currently in my house  
TG: just do an impromptu collab video  
TG: actually im probably gonna ask her about it right now  
TG: granted that shes done with her conversation with rose  
TG: she probably is because ive had two super long conversations with people  


GG: good luck with the celebrating your subscriber count!!!  


TG: good luck with your ai programs  
TG: pester you later  


GG: bye!!!  
GG: :)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

"Hey, Roxy! How's that conversation with Rose going? I'm not, like, expecting you to be completely done or anything, but I am wondering about how far you are into that conversation about boundaries and shit."

"Oh, yeah, we finished that convo ages ago. We started talking about the motifs in the newest book of our fav wizarding series."

"So, everything's good?"

"It's all good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't written anything for a month


	14. Hair Dye and Compliments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! A chapter that didn't take months to update!

“Yo, Roxy. How would you feel about being in one of my videos?” You ask the next day. “I recently got to, like, a shit ton of subscribers, and Jade suggested doing a video collab.”

“I would LOVE to be in one of your videos, but I’m not sure if I’m the best candidate for a subscriber milestone video. I'm not exactly famous. Also, don’t people usually do a giveaway or some shit?”

“I already did a giveaway video recently, and I don’t really want to do that again so soon. It took way too much work,” You explain. “Also you're already here, so we could do an impromptu collab video if you’re up for it.”

"Hmmmm," Roxy thought for a moment, but it wasn't nearly as long of a pause as you expected. "Sure! I'll do some kind of impromptu video with you. But what does your channel do? I wasn't joking when I said I didn't really know about your channel, which is really weird because it's your fucking job, and, as your older sister, I really should know this by now."

"Hey, hey, don't beat yourself up about it. It's all good. Anyway, I review things on my channel."

"What kind of things?"

"All kinds of things. Could be books or movies or products. Usually, it's some sort of product because businesses like to send me shit to review because I'm so goddamn popular."

"And what will we be reviewing in our special collab episode?" Roxy questions.

"Let's find out. Follow me." You gesture in a certain direction.

Roxy gives you a weird look, but she does follow you as you direct her towards a certain room. You open the door and inside are a shit ton of boxes.

"Here are all my future videos. Feel free to chose whatever. Go wild."

"Holy-" Roxy looks around amazed. "Holy shit, Dave! Holy fuck! You have so much shit in here. Oh my god. Do you even know everything that's in here?"

"More or less?" You shrug. "I know that none of it is food because I make sure that none of it is. Otherwise, this room would smell absolutely disgusting. I always do episodes reviewing food first, so a lot of products end up on the back burner."

"Dave. I hope you realize how much power you're giving me."

"I'm really not giving you that much power. You're a responsible adult, right?" You ask, honestly thinking that, even if Roxy picks something horrible, it won't be THAT horrible. "The extent of the power that I'm giving you is that you have to choose an object from this room. You can't just go to another room and pick out a lamp for us to review. That'd be stupid."

"I think you mean that would be hilarious."

"It would be, but we're trying to be a little serious here."

"Alright, alright. I'll try to be a little serious and take mercy on my poor, poor little brother."

Roxy rummaged around the room for a while, constantly changing her mind about one thing or another. You swear that she spent less time figuring out what to do for her wedding than she spent figuring out what to do for this impromptu collab video the two of you agreed to do.

Eventually, Roxy appeared to have found something, if the way she suddenly lit up was anything to go by. Her smile then morphed into something that was a bit more sinister.

"Oh no. What did you find."

"Oh, it's nothing much," Roxy tried to play innocent, but you knew what game she was playing at.

"You're gonna have to tell me eventually. We are doing a review on the item after all."

"Well, I found-" Roxy took out a few brightly colored bottles of something. “Hair dye!”

"Holy shit, I thought I lost that," You admit. "What color should we dye our hair?"

"Well, let's see what we have here. Or should we, like, figure that out in the video?"

"Oh! That certainly adds a twist to it. Sure, I'll set up the camera stuff, and you set up the dye stuff. I think the rest of the stuff people use to dye their hair is also in that box, and then we can impulse dye our hair because no one can stop us."

"Okay, but Dave. I have to ask you." Roxy was suddenly serious. "Is this, like, a legit good idea?"

Roxy did a dramatic pause before beginning to laugh.

"I'm joking! Of course it's a great idea! I've dyed my hair before, so we'll be fine. I'll just walk you through the process and help you out."

"Cool."

"Also, this entire thing will be easier since both of us already have our hair bleached. The color will come out more."

"It sounds like you have most of this stuff already figured out, so you do all that, and I'll set up the video."

With that, you began to set up all the camera stuff. Roxy setting up the dye was a bit more difficult because she was trying not to look at the colors in order to keep it a surprise, but everything was set up soon enough.

With that, you turned on the camera and started recording.

"What are we doing today?" You say in your most monotone voice. "Well, see, we're both going to be dying our hair."

“Dave, you sound like you did when you were thirteen,” Roxy mentioned, and you knew that she was going to say that. You just knew it.

“It’s for irony,” You explain, again in a monotone voice.

“Should I do it too?” Roxy shrugs and answers her own question. “Here I am doing a monotone voice. It’s, like, black and white if black and white were a sound. I sound so serious and boring like a or a really lame teacher.”

Roxy is unable to keep up that voice for long, as is evident by her suddenly falling apart into giggles.

“Yeah, no. I don’t think I can do that. It’s too silly, but I won’t fault you for doing it, Davey.”

“We should get back on track for the video.”

“Oh, right! The video. Tbh, I completely forgot about it.”

“That’s understandable. But we can’t get distracted. We’re going to be dying our hair, and we need each and every single ounce of our concentration to do so.”

“Most of it’s gonna be waiting around for the color to stick or whatever it does to our hair. But we should try and get back on track, yeah.”

“You gotta remember that we’re talking to an audience here, Roxy. They don’t even know who you are yet, unless you have a GrubTube channel that you’re keeping all to yourself.”

“Nah, I don’t have a GrubTube channel. Callie does, but she mostly puts videos of dogs and cats and other animals there. The channel is called Animals are friends not food, but, like, one word.”

“Is that supposed to be an ironic name,” You ask.

“Yes, absolutely. It is absolutely supposed to be ironic. Also, Dave’s right. I haven’t really introduced myself to you all yet. I’m Roxy, and I’m Dave’s older sister. It’s nice to meet all of you!”

“It’s the long-awaited collab video with a complete and utter stranger. I swear this isn’t my actual sister. She’s just here to pretend to be my sister. She’s certainly better at dying hair that my sister, whose only ever bleached her hair. Remember kids, be safe when bleaching your hair, and, if you want it to become platinum like Roxy’s lovely hair over here, you have to get it in multiple bleaching sessions if you don’t want your hair to fall out or something else similar awful.”

“He’s a jokester,” Roxy rolls her eyes. “We got a bunch of colors to chose from, but we haven’t decided what color we’re gonna dye our hair with so that all of you could see us decide. And you also get to see all the colors we got.”

“So, Roxy, what colors do we have on the table here?”

“We got every color of the rainbow here,” Roxy spreads her arms out to emphasis the array of colors on the table. “We got red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and even pink! I’m pretty sure they have fancier names than that though, gimmie a sec.”

Roxy picks up one of the bottles and squints and that label.

“I need my fucking glasses for this,” She grumbles and grabs her purse and pulls out a pair of glasses with pink rims. “Here we go. The red here is called ‘Fire Engine Red,’ the orange is called ‘Zest,’ the yellow is named ‘Sunshine,’ the green is ‘Tree Leaf,’ the blue is ‘Ocean Waves,’ the purple is ‘Ethereal Void,’ and, finally, the pink is named ‘Cotton Candy Pink.’ I call dibs on the Fire Engine Red.”

“Why choose the color of one thousand suns, the color of a really cold, but really big sun? It’s an angry color, full of spite and passion for things that aren’t appreciated by the vast majority of the population. I would have thought you would choose the pink, which is the shade of being at a carnival with your favorite people eating the shittiest junk food you can find.”

“Are you gonna explain all the colors that in depth?”

“It’s kind of a think I do.”

“Ramble away then.”

“Guess I’ll continue on with the orange then, which looks like an orange tastes and smells. I don’t know what else to tell you guys. It’s a nice orange. Next, we got this sunshine color, which looks like a super happy color. Like, hella happy. You have one centimeter of this color in your hair, and you’re gonna be happy for the rest of your life. The green looks like frolicking through the flowers on a spring afternoon where the sun is shining overhead and the breeze feels like it’s caressing you. Next up, blue, which looks the way the sea smells. Never smelled the sea? Get a glass of water and put a shit ton of salt in there. It smells both nothing like that and exactly like that. Finally, the one color I haven’t explained yet is the purple, which reminds me a lot of my other sister. Looks like the color she would use for the words in her books if she were allowed to use another color aside from black. And there we go. Each and every single one of these colors explained.”

You put down the final bottle of hair dye after brandishing each one for the audience to see clearly. That was, of course, assuming they could see. You mostly did the descriptions stuff for blind people, and you always made sure to make your captions correct for those who were deaf. Even if they couldn’t hear your awesome voice, they could see the words you were saying.

“Also, Roxy. You haven’t told me yet why you choose the red here.”

“It’s your color!” Roxy cheerfully answered.

You put your hand on your chest, trying your best to keep a straight face even though you were so fucking flattered that she would dye her hair red because it was the shade she associated with you.

“Well, shit, if you’re gonna dye your hair red, then I gotta dye my hair pink,” You say, but then you realize something. “Hold up, if we’re gonna dye our hair the color of each other’s color, I have to make sure my moirail is chill with it.”

“You’ve got a moirail!” Roxy exclaims, and there are suddenly sparkles in her eyes. “Who are they?”

“It’s Aradia, you know. We’re prolly gonna cut this part out just so that the audience can actually get to the hair dying part without worrying too much about who my moirail is.”

“I’m sure they’d be plenty interested, especially if your channel is popular. Someone watching your videos would want to know about it.”

“Probably, but it is a recent development, and I don’t really want anyone to know until it’s a long-term relationship. I’m gonna go message her now, so just wait here.”

You get up and start messaging Aradia.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

TG: yo ara  
TG: are you there  
TG: i got a question  


AA: yes im here!  
AA: whats your question  


TG: would it be chill if my sister  
TG: the sister is roxy just so you know  
TG: would it be chill if my sister and i dyed our hair the color of each others text  
TG: idk if that would be taboo or anything bc i know trolls like to do hemotyping  
TG: and that wearing each others colors is a sign of a relationship  
TG: so i just wanted to make sure that it would be chill with you before we went ahead and did it  


AA: i think its fine  
AA: in fact im glad that you and your sister have a good enough relationship to do that!!!  
AA: i know other people who dont have that great of a relationship with their sibling  
AA: i know that i often clash with my sister  
AA: so go on and dye your hair!!!  
AA: but you have to send me pictures  


TG: you know i will  
TG: its for a video so ill also send you the link to that when everything is edited and shit  
TG: thanks  
TG: pester you later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

“Alright, so I have gotten my moirail’s approval, so we can go on with the show!”

“Awesome! Now we just gotta go through all the steps of dying our hair. Don’t forget to read the directions on the bottle, everyone. You don’t want to fuck up your hair too bad.”

“You only want to fuck up your hair a little bit,” You add on.

“Yeah, just a little bit.”

The two of you follow the directions on the bottle, and it is a very messy process. However, that does not deter you in the slightest.

Your shirt is covered in pink hair dye, but you could always say that it was a purposeful design decision on your part and impress people with your nonexistent DIY skills. Seriously, why was doing DIY projects so hard? You’ve done, like, one or two videos on them, and you failed every single time you did one, even ones that seemed like they should have been laughably easy.

But, despite your incapability to do DIY projects, this hair dye project turned out really well, but that was most likely because Roxy was there to help you.

“Maybe I’ll become a hairstylist at some point in my life,” Roxy says in the midst of dying your hair. “I don’t have to program robots forever.”

“Hell yeah, learn those new skills. Maybe one day I’ll actually use the skills I got from college.”

“You’ll become a pro dead things expert,” Roxy agrees.

“Don’t ‘pro’ and ‘expert’ in that sentence mean basically the same thing?”

“Yep!”

Roxy finished dying your hair, so you did your best to dye her’s in turn, but she stopped you after the first few minutes to do it herself, which was fair.

The two of you finished dying your hair, and a bunch of time passed before the two of you could do the reveal.

But, finally, you were able to do the reveal.

“We have finished dying our hair. That took way too long. But, anyway it’s time for all of y’all to see how it turned out. Roxy, will you do the honors?”

“Only on myself. You can do your own honors, Dave.”

“Ouch. I’m hurt. But no matter. It’s time for the reveal.”

The two of you took off the towels in more or less perfect sync and showed the color of your hair to the world.

All you could really see was Roxy’s hair, which was bright red, and, based on her reaction to your hair, your hair turned out pretty awesome as well.

“Holy shit, Davey, you look fantastic!”

“You do too, Roxy. That’s it for this video, everyone. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe. Or don’t. Do what you want and remember that your dreams can come true at any point during your life.”

“But you should tots subscribe. If you do, you might even see me a bit more often. Wonk,” Roxy did an extremely exaggerated wink.

You ended the video, more or less satisfied with the footage you got.

“Do you want to do anything else today?” You question Roxy. Roxy thinks for a moment.

“Nah, we can just chill.”

“Do you mean chill as in sit here and talk to each other, or chill as in sit in the same room while doing different things?”

“Second thing. But we can do the first thing later if you want.”

“That’d be chill. I’m gonna go edit this footage.”

“I’m going to pester my wife because I miss her.”

“Gay.”

Roxy sticks her tongue out at you, and you laugh.

“Damn straight,” You say before realizing your mistake. “But probably damn gay.”

“Damn straight it’s damn gay,” Roxy responds, and the both of you laugh probably harder than you should have.

“Alright, I’m just gonna do the editing thing and come back to you later.”

Despite saying that you were going to edit the video footage, you did not. You mostly just fucked around and watched GrubTube videos until someone started messaging you.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: D4V3  


TG: tz  


GC: 1 C4NT B3L31V3 YOU  


TG: wait shit what did i do this time  


GC: NOTH1NG MUCH  
GC: 1 JUST H4PP3N3D TO H34R TH4T YOUR S1ST3R W4S 1N TOWN 4ND YOU D1DNT T3LL M3  
GC: >:[  


TG: oh shit i guess i did forget to tell you  
TG: but now you know i guess  
TG: take me to jail ms lawyer  
TG: i deserve to be locked up for neglecting to tell one of my best friends about my sister coming to town  
TG: how dare i do such a horrible and awful thing  
TG: its absolutely unthinkable  
TG: ill just go off to jail and get super buff and then break out  
TG: and then ill be on the run from the cops for the rest of my existence  
TG: eternally lost in the maze that they call the law  


GC: BOLD OF YOU TO 4SSUM3 YOUD 3V3R 3SC4P3  


TG: it may be bold of me but i know i can do it with the power of friendship  


GC: D4V3  
GC: TH4TS R34LLY CH33SY >:/  
GC: 1 C4N 4CTU4LLY T4ST3 TH3 4MOUNT OF CH33S3 TH4T C4M3 FROM TH4T ST4T3M3NT  


TG: you love cheese though  
TG: you shouldnt because your lactose intolerant  
TG: but you still love cheese  


GC: YOU B3T YOUR FUCK1NG 4SS 1 DO  
GC: 4NYW4Y  
GC: 1M ST1LL GO1NG TO H4NG OUT W1TH YOU 4ND ROXY TOMORROW  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 D4Y OFF 4ND YOU H4VE TO P4Y M3 B4CK FOR NOT T3LL1NG M3 4BOUT H3R V1S1T  


TG: i was gonna invite you out anyways  


GC: GOOD  
GC: 1 W4S JUST M4K1NG C3RT41N

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

After that conversation, you finish up whatever GrubTube video you were watching and start to do some actual editing of the video you just took with Roxy.

You manage to get about an hour of editing done before someone starts pestering you relentlessly with no break to be had, so you answer what suddenly became an entire page of messages.

\-- carcinoGenetisict [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: YOU WILL NOT *BELIEVE* THE DAY I JUST HAD.  
CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT.  
CG: IT WAS A FESTERING PILE OF SHIT.  
CG: THE SHIT HAD BEEN THERE FOR ENTIRELY TOO LONG, AND NOW THERE ARE FLIES AND SHIT FLYING AROUND THE SHIT, WHICH MEANS IF YOU GET TOO CLOSE TO IT, YOU TOO WILL BE COVERED IN FLIES.  
CG: YOU COULD SMELL THIS SHIT FROM ACROSS THE STATE-THAT’S HOW RANK IT WAS.  
CG: IT WAS COMPLETELY PUTRESCENT, AND I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING DESCRIBE HOW UTTERLY HORRENDOUS IT WAS.  
CG: DAVE.  
CG: DAVE.  
CG: I KNOW YOU’RE THERE.  
CG: THE MESSAGE ABOUT BEING IDLE HASN’T SHOWN UP YET, SO YOU MUST BE ONLINE.  
CG: DAVE.  
CG: GET OVER HERE AND LISTEN TO THE STORY ABOUT THE STEAMING PILE OF FECES THAT WAS MY DAY.  


TG: woah woah there karkat  
TG: my beautiful ass is here and my ears are prostrated in front of me completely prepared to hear your winsome ass go on a superfluous rant about this resplendent pile of golden and premium shit  
TG: rose recently gave me a word a day calendar  


CG: IT WILL FURTHER YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE HELLHOLE THAT IS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.  


TG: hella  
TG: now lay down the deats about your absolutely lovely day  


CG: IT WAS PHYSICALLY REPULSIVE.  


TG: you cant just leave me hanging over here karkat  
TG: you were the one who messaged me ready to give my willing ears the tales of your sorrow  
TG: im sure they were filled with heartbreak and death  
TG: like one of those super long epics that were originally in greek and then translated into latin and then translated into whatever language it would be read in  
TG: a goddamn rosetta stone of poetry  
TG: and yet well never figure out the mystery behind homers wine red sea  
TG: or his green honey jesus shit  
TG: honey isnt green  
TG: its like yellow or amber or gleaming like the fucking sun or stars or whatever  


CG: IT’S BECAUSE THE WORD FOR GREEN REFERS TO SOMETHING PALE AND FRESH.  


TG: what really  


CG: YES.  
CG: THERE’S A REALLY COOL STUDY ABOUT THE SUBJECT, BUT I’M NOT HERE TO GO ON A TANGENT ABOUT HOW LANGUAGES EVOLVE.  
CG: I’M HERE TO GET YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED TODAY.  


TG: my lips are sealed  
TG: or i guess my hands  
TG: can you seal hands  
TG: i guess you could if they were cut off or something  


CG: DAVE.  


TG: my point is ill refrain from typing anything more until the completion of your story  


CG: FINALLY.  
CG: SO I WAS IN ROSEMARY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB THERE.  
CG: AND THERE WERE JUST SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE WHO CAME IN TO RETURN SOMETHING *WITHOUT* A GODDAMN RECEIPT, DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE MAKE IT *PERFECTLY CLEAR* THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE A RECEIPT IF YOU WANT TO RETURN SOMETHING.  
CG: BUT NO.  
CG: PEOPLE CAN’T READ.  
CG: AND THEY REFUSE TO LISTEN TO MY INSISTENCE THAT THE SIGN HAS BEEN THERE SINCE ROSEMARY OPENED TO THE PUBLIC.  
CG: NOW, I ALWAYS DEAL WITH THESE KINDS OF SHITHEADS ON A DAILY BASIS, SO I’M MORE OR LESS DESENSITIZED TO IT.  
CG: BUT ONLY TWO OR THREE COME IN A DAY TRYING TO DO THAT.  
CG: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CAME IN TRYING TO DO THAT TODAY?  
CG: DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?  


TG: no i dont but i can hazard a guess of too high of a number  


CG: FIFTEEN.  
CG: FIFTEEN FUCKING PEOPLE WALKED INTO THE STORE WITHOUT THE INTENTION TO BUY SOMETHING, BUT, INSTEAD, TRIED TO RETURN SOMETHING WITHOUT THE REQUIRED MATERIALS!  
CG: THIS ISN’T EVEN MENTIONING THE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO HAGGLE WITH ME ABOUT THE PRICES OF SHIT!  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER KANAYA EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SOMEONE DOESN’T AGREE WITH THE UNDISPUTED *FACT* THAT OUR STORE DOES NOT ACCEPT RETURNS WITHOUT A RECEIPT AND WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GIVE SOMEONE A LOWER PRICE FOR A PRODUCT UNLESS A SALE IS GOING ON OR A COUPON IS GIVEN.  
CG: AND WE DON’T GIVE OUT THAT MANY COUPONS.  
CG: WE DON’T EVEN GIVE DISCOUNTS TO CLOSE FRIENDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY BEG.  


TG: are you talking about eridan  


CG: I AM ABSOLUTELY TALKING ABOUT ERIDAN.  
CG: ALSO, I JUST FOUND OUT WHO HE HAD A CRUSH ON.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE FACT THAT ERIDAN HAD A CRUSH?  


TG: i dont remember  
TG: remind me  


CG: OKAY, SO ERIDAN HAD THIS CONFUSING AS FUCK CRUSH ON SOMEONE.  
CG: HE WASN’T EVEN SURE IF IT WAS RED OR BLACK UNTIL, LIKE, A WEEK OR TWO AGO.  
CG: AND HE FINALLY MANAGED TO DIVULGE THE INFORMATION OF WHO HE HAD A CRUSH ON.  


TG: well who is is it someone is it that would be does he even know who rose does he know that rose is that rose is lesbian who would not even consider swinging the other 

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF ROSE KNOWS ABOUT ERIDAN.  
CG: BUT KNOWING HIM HE’S PROBABLY FLIRTED WITH HER.  
CG: BUT NO.  
CG: ERIDAN DOESN’T HAVE A CRUSH ON HER.  


TG: then who  


CG: HE HAS A CRUSH ON NEPETA.  


TG: nepeta  


CG: NEPETA.  


TG: of all the people he could have a crush on i was not expecting nepeta  
TG: who knows maybe she likes him back  
TG: idk tho  
TG: also i just dont know nepeta that well  
TG: ive had a total of one conversation with her  
TG: and that was over pesterchum  


CG: WHEN DID YOU GET HER TROLLHANDLE?  


TG: i got it from kanaya  


CG: GOD DAMN IT.  
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS KANAYA.  
CG: SHE’S CONSPIRING AGAINST ME.  


TG: she would never conspire against youre and im pretty sure you have healthy especially if you had not healthy moirailship in the past with another in the although having that can make it lot more difficult to recognize healthy relationship because youre just so used to unhealthy but im gonna stop now so dont bring up any bad past things that dont want to talk and im sure you dont really want to talk about 

CG: YEAH, LET’S KEEP THAT SHIT TO OUR MOIRAILS.  
CG: UNLESS THEY DON’T MIND US TALKING ABOUT OUR DARK PASTS.  
CG: KNOWING KANAYA, SHE PROBABLY WOULDN’T MIND IF I TALKED ABOUT THINGS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  
CG: IF ONLY BECAUSE HUMANS MADE POLYAMOUROUS MOIRAILSHIPS MORE COMMON.  


TG: i dont think aradia would mind but im not gonna go around putting words in her mouth  
TG: but she did let me dye my hair pink which is my sisters color so shed probably be chill with it  


CG: YOU DYED YOUR HAIR PINK?  
CG: ALSO, I THOUGHT ROSE TYPED IN PURPLE?  


TG: she does im talking about my older sister roxy  
TG: but hell yeah i dyed my hair  
TG: check it  
TG: myhairispinknow.png  


CG: HOLY SHIT.  
CG: YOU LOOK GREAT!  


TG: hell yeah i do  
TG: thank you very much  
TG: roxy got her hair dyed red and it looks awesome too  
TG: there’s gonna be a video about it on my channel soon  
TG: speaking of which i gotta finish editing that shit  
TG: probably gonna come out in a week or two or whenever the amount of videos ive queued run out  
TG: so like a week or so  
TG: im gonna dash off to finish it so ill chat with you later alrighty  


CG: ALRIGHT.  
CG: HAVE FUN.  


TG: with editing  


CG: YES.  


TG: ill try to do that

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

Your heart was beating faster than usual. You could feel your face heat up, and you were suddenly fixating on Karkat saying that you looked great.

Were you just happy about the compliment or the fact that it was Karkat who said the compliment?

You weren’t going to dwell on it. You had a video to edit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, I should be updating a bit more frequently since school is gonna be out soon, so I should have a lot more time to write


	15. Coffee Tables

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so hard to write i wrote half of the next chapter instead of writing this

Kanaya’s Wriggling Day was soon, so you prepared in the only way you knew how: searching stores relentlessly for the perfect gift to bestow upon your moirail. It needed to be something sentimental and good quality because you weren’t about to be lazy and get her something shitty and boring. What kind of moirail would that even make you? You're pretty sure it would make you a really terrible one.

Ideally, the gift would be something you make yourself, but that wasn’t always feasible depending on your schedule. But you would still prefer to give her something that you put at least some effort into making it perfect.

Maybe you could buy a coffee table from a thrift shop and then spruce it up a bit. Kanaya had been complaining about how the coffee table in the house was falling apart, but she felt iffy about getting rid of it because the room would feel kind of empty without it, not to mention that it would be difficult to find one that matched the decor of the house.

And, to be completely honest, it was kind of shitty coffee table anyway, so you decided to find a coffee table that would be able to replace the old one.

With that idea in mind, you went to thrift stores that were nearby, attempting to find the perfect coffee table to improve on.

You searched tirelessly, going through store after store in an effort to discover the perfect coffee table. There were not a lot of surprises in terms of the coffee tables you did find. They were nice, but they were not what you were looking for. However, you were surprised by stumbling upon a certain someone during your search who you didn’t really expect to find.

It was Dave, and it was his bright pink hair that alerted you to his presence. With him was Rose and some other woman who looked similar to the twins but was sporting bright red hair. Most people turned their heads at the red shock of hair, which made Dave’s pink hair almost look natural, and you were no exception to the head turning. The only difference was that you knew the people she was with.

As much as you would have loved to say hi, you were way too awkward of a person to do so. And also because it was kind of just weird to randomly greet someone you knew in public. But apparently, Dave didn’t have any such reservations because the moment he laid eyes on you, he dragged Rose and the other girl over towards you with a huge grin on his face that almost seemed uncharacteristic for him.

"Hey, Karkat!" Dave exclaimed, and he was basically shining brighter than a shard of glass reflecting light on the hottest day of summer. "I told you my sister is in town over pesterchum, right? She's here in flesh and blood and bones and brains, and she's awesome."

"What's up, my dude? The name's Roxy." Roxy held out her hand in preparation for a handshake.

"I’m Karkat Vantas," You shook her hand. "It's nice to meet you."

That was probably the most awkward thing you could have possibly said. You sounded like you were at work. Or an interview. Or something like that.

"Karkat! Dave talks about you all the time," Roxy exclaimed, and Dave's demeanor switched from happy to embarrassed real quick.

"Does he?" You questioned, kind of side-eyeing Dave a little bit.

"Well, maybe not all the time all the time, but, like, enough of the time for it to be of note," Roxy explained. "He mostly just talked about how you were cute and how fun you were to hang out with. He didn't really give me too many details, but you are, like, hella cute."

"Roxy, I would refrain from squishing his cheeks, no matter how adorable he may be," Rose interrupted.

"I wasn't going to!"

"But you certainly thought about it, didn't you?"

"Maybe..." Roxy admitted before switching subjects. "But that's whatever at this point, right? You ain't gonna get mad at ol' Roxy Lalonde over here for thinking you're cute as heck? Hopefully not anyway. But, aside from that, what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Roxy, why are you talking like an old lady from the deep south?" Dave asked, no longer seeming as embarrassed as he was at the start of the conversation, although you were pretty sure that was due to Roxy's sudden change in the way she was speaking.

"I'm from the deep south obviously!" Roxy declared, and both Dave and Rose gave her blank stares.

"Roxy," Rose said. "You were born and raised in motherfucking New York City. You have literally only been down south when we were going to Texas to get Dave out of unfortunate circumstances."

"I'm a southern gal at heart, Rose." Roxy put her hand on her heart for emphasis. "And you didn't let Karkat answer my question. Hey, Karkat, are you here for anything in particular?"

"I'm mostly just here to get a gift for my moirail because her birthday is coming up. Oh, yeah, that’s right. How’s your scarf going, Rose?”

"It's going quite well. I'll be sure to complete it in time for Kanaya's birthday."

"OH! Kanaya! Isn't that the girl you're going out with, Rosey? And she's your moirail, Karkat? Sounds like a lady I want to meet. You've got to tell me more about her later, Rose. Oh, hey, Karkat. How did you and Davey meet?"

Dave turned completely red at that question, which meant you absolutely had to answer it.

"I met him at work, and he flirted with me badly."

"Holy shit, really? That's amazing. How bad was the flirting? Also, what kind of bad? Like a legit 'I don't what this flirting to be happening' or a 'this flirting is just done badly so it's kind of funny?'"

"The second one," You responded. "He just kept rambling on, and I don't think I actually realized he was kind of flirting with me until he was tripping over himself when he called me cute."

"Why are you indulging her in this?" Dave desperately asked. "Why must you forsake me like this?"

You stared at the shades that adorned Dave's face in a manner that you hoped was vaguely intimidating.

"Because I can," You answered, which you honestly thought would sound more badass when you said it out loud, but it still appeared to have the desired effect on Dave.

"That's just cold, man. So, so cold. Colder than fucking ice or the north pole, and, fuck, what's colder than that? Like, is there something that scientifically is colder than that?"

"0 Kelvin," Roxy supplied.

"Yeah, 0 Kelvin. It was colder than goddamn zero fucking degrees Kelvin. The molecules are so cold that they start going back in time because you can't really get colder than zero Kelvin because that's when all matter stops moving, so you can't really really get to negative degrees Kelvin, but, somehow, Karkat, you managed it. You managed to be colder than zero degrees Kelvin. Why is it called Kelvin anyway? That's, like, some dude's actual name. Are Fahrenheit and Celcius also people's names? Is that a thing? Or do they all come from a root that Latin or Greek or whatever? Like, legit, where do the words come from? Where did they go? Where did they come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? Hey! Okay, but, all jokes aside, can anyone give me a legit answer to that?"

"Not immediately, but we certainly can look it up," Roxy said, which triggered all of you getting out your phones to see who could find the information the fastest.

"It was made by some fucker called William Thomson, who was also known as Lord Kelvin," You quickly managed to say. "Shit, why did he have two completely separate names? Was that just a thing that high society people did? Are they fucking wrestlers? What could possibly possess a person to have a different Lord name than their regular name? Why can't you just be Lord Thomson like everybody else? No, he had to be Lord Kelvin like some sort of douchebag. Call Kelvin Thomson or William instead because those make equally as much sense!"

Roxy kind of just stared at you for a moment, and you had to seriously wonder why before realizing you were using your 'at work' persona until that moment.

"Holy shit. I can see why Dave likes you!" Roxy grinned, and you were starting to feel a little red at the moment.

"Excuse me, this conversation is lovely and all, but we're about to be late to our spa treatment," Rose interrupted, prompting both Dave and Roxy to look at the time.

"Holy shit, Rosey. You're right. Sorry about leaving so soon, Karkat. You could always join us if you want to though. It's sure to be a great time!"

"As appealing as that sounds, I still have to find a gift for Kanaya, and I don't really want to procrastinate on that."

"Understandable. Have a lovely day, all right?"

"Yeah, sure, see you around."

"Message me later, alright?" Dave said. "Maybe we can all go to a museum together or something. Look at all those dead bones and be kicked out of the museum for repeatedly attempting to interact with the exhibits. Bring Terezi too just to cause a little bit of chaos."

"...Maybe. But only if we don't actually get kicked out of the museum. I actually like going to those."

"Causing chaos it is. I’ll talk to you later." Dave finger-gunned at you before walking away with his sisters.

With that particular interaction completed, you went back to your mission of searching for a fantastic gift for the one and only Kanaya Maryam. You were searching for a coffee table to replace the one in y'all's house.

It took many, many hours of searching, making sure to keep an eye out for anything else you could give to Kanaya when you finally found it. The perfect coffee table.

Well, it wasn't absolutely perfect. It was pretty rough around the edges, but you were there to fix it up and also give it a new paint job. But the style of the coffee table was perfect.

It was made of wood and glass, with the glass part being surrounded by various leaves in flowers made of wood. The actual table wasn't painted, and it looked like it was the perfect height and length for you and Kanaya's living room. It was honestly such a lucky find, and you had no idea how you managed to discover it. That kind of shit only happens in movies and bad fanfiction.

You ignored the thought of you actually being a character in somebody's fanfiction and went to go pay for the coffee table, which was a hell of a lot cheaper than if you had bought it when it was new. You were pretty certain that the original price of the table was something that was way out of your price range, but, since you obtained it from a thrift store, it was slightly more within your price range.

With that, you did your best to store the table in your car, and you went to the store to buy other supplies for sprucing it up, keeping in mind the things you already had at the house, like sandpaper and other tool things. You mostly just needed paint and other decorations, so you opted to go to the art supply store first because they had literally everything in there.

You actually saw Nepeta for a brief moment while doing your shopping, but the two of you just offered the other a quick wave before going about your respective business. Thank god. It was awkward enough to see someone you knew in public without planning for it first, and it was even more awkward to have an actual conversation with them. It was particularly awkward if the conversation in question takes up a lot of time, which takes up valuable shopping time. And, by that, you mean you don't really want to spend longer than you have to shopping, if only because shopping is an exhausting thing to do for a long period of time.

So, yeah, You managed to avoid conversation with Nepeta and got some various paints and fake gems before realizing that you didn’t really need either of those things, and you really should have just gone to the hardware store for some wood glue and wood stain.

You did, however, buy some paint and fake gems in addition to a canvas for an independent project because you enjoyed doing some painting from time to time. Which made you think of an idea of something you could do for Kanaya’s birthday.

As you paid for the items you got at the art store, you entertained the idea of painting together with Kanaya as something to do for her birthday. Obviously, what she would want to do would ultimately be up to her, but if she was having any trouble thinking about something to do, it would be a good thing to suggest.

However, you could plan that later. Right now, you were wondering where the hell you could start working on the coffee table without Kanaya running across it and ruining the surprise. Or worse-seeing it before you're done upgrading it.

To be completely honest, it really wouldn't be that much of a big deal if Kanaya happened to see the present you got for her, even if she did see it before you finished it. The present just wouldn't be a surprise. You did still want it to be a surprise for her though, so you actually did need a specific place to work on it that wasn't you and Kanaya's house. Internally, you went through the list of people you could ask. The real question here though was if you could actually trust any of those people with not breaking the table in half.

For that reason, Nepeta was out because she lived with Equius. Either of them would likely end up breaking the table because of some accident. There was a reason most of the furniture in their house was indestructible. The two of them were strong as hell, even if Nepeta did have a bit more control over her strength than Equius did.

You wouldn't trust Terezi with the table as far as you could throw her, and you were pretty fucking weak. Also, she would probably lick the table while the wood stain was still wet, and you could not be having that.

You couldn't keep it with Kanaya even though she was the person you trusted most in the world for obvious reasons.

Other people you knew didn't exactly live in town, so you had to pick someone that you didn't go to middle school with, which meant asking either Rose or Dave.

Now, Rose was great and all, but she kind had that otherworldly feel about her that you didn't necessarily trust. She seemed like the kind of person who stayed up late doing witchcraft in order to put a curse on someone who cut in line in front of her in a coffee shop. That was maybe an exaggeration, but you weren't exactly jazzed by the idea of asking Rose for the kind of favor you needed. Also, she was working on her own gift for Kanaya, and you also just didn't want to disturb Rose too much.

After going through each and every single one of your options, you finally decided that asking Dave would be your best bet. You also realized that you had absolutely no idea where he lived because you had never actually gone to his house before, which also reminded you of the fact that, if you were doing this shit at someone else's house, you were going to need to go back home and get the tools you needed to work on the coffee table.

Kanaya was currently at Rosemary and would probably come back home in about two hours, giving you just enough time to ask Dave if you can keep the coffee table at his place and bring it there.

With this plan in mind, you get out your phone and start to troll Dave.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAVE.  
CG: I NEED TO ASK A REQUEST OF YOU.  


TG: oh wow so formal whats the request  
TG: lay it on me  
TG: i am so fucking ready for it  
TG: waiting like a princess for her prince except im the prince and youre also the prince and its all fine and dandy and gay  
TG: just laying on the bed in my tall ass tower french girl style wearing nothing but a dreamy smile  
TG: except mabye not because thatd be hella creepy if you didnt consent beforehand  
TG: im probably wearing clothing  
TG: wearing that pretty purple dress that rapunzel wears  
TG: rapunzel is my favorite disney princess  
TG: cinderella is also my favorite disney princess  
TG: tbh i cant really decide between the two of them theyre both so great  
TG: anyway  
TG: whats that thing you want from me  
TG: or want me to do  
TG: i dont really know yet you havent told me  


CG: IT WOULD BE EASIER TO TELL YOU IF YOU DIDN'T JUST SEND ME A HUGE WALL OF TEXT.  
CG: BUT I GUESS YOU ALWAYS DO THAT, SO WHATEVER.  
CG: I NEED TO LEAVE A COFFEE TABLE AT YOUR PLACE.  
CG: I GOT IT FOR KANAYA'S BIRTHDAY, AND I WANT TO SAND IT AND ADD A WOOD STAIN TO IT, BUT I CAN'T DO THAT AT MY HOUSE BECAUSE I LIVE WITH KANAYA.  
CG: SO I NEED TO ASK YOU TO LET ME IMPROVE A COFFEE TABLE AT YOUR PLACE.  


TG: id be super chill with that dude  
TG: just come over to my place with the table and we can set this shit up  
TG: i could even help out if you want  
TG: otherwise im probably just going to make another stupid video to post on my youtube channel  
TG: feel free to join if you want to people are probably dying to know about the mysterious rant person  


CG: MAYBE AT A LATER DATE.  
CG: I'LL BE OVER IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AFTER YOU TELL ME WHAT YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS IS.  


TG: oh shit right i almost forgot youve never been to my place before  
TG: weve never even like picked each other up from each others houses  
TG: how have we never done that  


CG: JUST GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU AFTER TURNING EACH ITEM IN YOUR FRIDGE UPSIDEDOWN.  


TG: im going to take that as a serious threat

Dave finally gave you his address, and you quickly went home to grab some tools before hightailing it to Dave's place, which you had to find first before even thinking about bothering with moving the coffee table out of the car.

You double and triple checked the address and knocked on the door. You tapped your foot as you waited, but you really didn't have to wait too long as Dave soon answered the door.

The moment he opened the door, you were struck by the fact that he wasn't wearing his shades, which meant that you could see his ruby red eyes. You honestly thought that they were brown or something with a reddish tint, but you were pretty floored by how gorgeous his eyes were. It was accentuated by the fact that Dave was wearing pink pajamas with little kittens all over it.

"Hey, Karkat," Dave greeted, and you noticed how much more expressive Dave was without his sunglasses. "Need any help carrying up that coffee table?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," You answered, and the two of you went down to your car and grabbed the coffee table, which you lugged up towards Dave's place. That was accomplished with little to no talking because neither of you were very athletic, and the both of you were pretty out of breath by the time you actually managed to get the coffee table inside.

"God, fuck," Dave panted. "I should really work out more."

"Maybe, huh, I should take Equius up on those offers to go to the gym," You said, but suddenly rethought your statement. "Actually, he would reek, and I don't think I could handle that."

"How bad could it be?"

"Real bad. Want to just come with me next time Equius invites me so I don't have to suffer alone?"

"Sure. Sounds good. Have any other stuff you need to bring up?" Dave questioned.

"Yeah, but it's not nearly as heavy as a goddamn coffee table," You responded.

"Thank fucking god," Dave said. "Didn't mean to sound so rude, but, like, I don't think I could handle carrying up another heavy ass thing with these scrawny arms."

"We both have scrawny arms, Dave. It's okay."

"I'm pretty sure you're way buffer than me."

"Only because I go to the gym sometimes because someone wants to work out."

"Oh, that burns, Karkat. That really burns."

The two of you grab the tools and wood stain and all that other stuff from your car and bring it up and lie them down near the coffee table. It was then when Roxy walked into the room you were in.

"Hey, Karkat! I didn't know you were coming over. Is that a coffee table? That's a pretty dope ass coffee table. Like, it's a little bit rough around the edges, but it's cute."

"Oh, hey. I didn't know you lived here too," You said, and you honestly kind of got the impression that Dave lived alone or something, but, then again, you supposed that there wasn't really much of an indication on whether or not he had a roommate.

"I don't really. I just stay here when I'm in town. I live a couple states away with my wife."

"Calliope is really cool," Dave interjected. "She's kind of like a grandma, and she always has hard candies on her person at all times that she gives to good kids. And good adults. She'll probably offer you a hard candy if you ever meet her."

"She sounds like a person that I wouldn't become instantly infuriated by."

"Okay, I love talking and hearing about my wife and all, but I want to know if the coffee table is the gift your gonna give to your moirail."

"Yeah. I need to buff it out a bit and put a wood stain on it to make a nicer color, but that really shouldn't take too long."

"Sounds like a plan," Roxy grinned at you. "Also, when you're done with that, would you like to paint your nails with Dave and I? We were going to paint them rainbow, but you can choose other colors if you want. I know Terezi's fond of the glittery teal we have."

"I'd be fine with any color, but I'm mostly surprised by the fact that Terezi isn't obsessed with the red you have."

"Oh, no, we had a red that she really liked, but we had to hide it from her because she kept trying to eat it and, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think eating nail polish is very good for someone to ingest. Even if trolls do have a higher immunity to poison and shit than humans do. It's better to be safe than sorry."

"How has Terezi not found it again?" You asked, seriously wondering how the flying fuck Terezi hadn't managed to suddenly come across the red nail polish by sniffing for it.

"I have no idea, but I hope to god that she never actually manages to find it ever," Roxy said. "She would probably literally die."

"Speaking of probably literally dying-" Dave interjected. "I have a coffin to review for my channel."

"Why the flying FUCK would you even accept a proposal to review a coffin!?" You shouted. "Actually, I think I know why. I just need to know if this is something that was a request of you to review or something that you actively made the decision to do."

"It is actually something I'm being paid to do. What else are people who make coffins going to do? Kill people and hope their families buy coffins instead of being cremated or whatever? That's a little illegal."

"That's a lot illegal," Roxy said. "Can I be in the video again? Help you review this goddamn coffin?"

"Hella. The folks love you, Roxy. They took one look at you and fell in love instantly. I'm reading through the fucking comments section, which isn't necessarily advisable when you have a lot of people in the comments, and every single comment was full of people asking when they were going to see you again and that our hair looked fucking fantastic."

"You wanna join us, Karkat?" Roxy questioned.

"Maybe at a different time," You said. Honestly, you didn't think you would ever be in one of Dave's videos, but you changed your mind about things all the time, so it was better to be vague about your answer. Probably. "I have to start working on this coffee table."

"Oh, right, for your moirail. Well, I wish you luck, and I hope she loves it!" Roxy encouraged, and she and Dave went off to go start the video where the both of them review a fucking coffin. A coffin. That people put dead people in. That's a little bit fucked up, and that video title is going to sound like clickbait.

But you didn't really have the time currently to be worrying too much about whether or not people are going to think the video is clickbait. You had a coffee table to start upgrading.

First things first, you sanded down a few areas on the coffee table that had scratches so that they were no longer visible unless someone looked super duper closely because that was about as far as you could sand before things start to look kind of unbalanced and strange.

This took a very long time. Sanding always took a very long time. It was also very boring.

You could hear Dave and Roxy make the video about the coffin in the other room. Dave's voice was always constantly muffled because he always spoke in a monotone voice for his videos, but Roxy's voice sprang in and out of clarity based on her excitement level. What could possibly be exciting about a coffin, you had no idea, but you were mostly thankful for the noise. Complete silence always felt kind of creepy to you and made you feel unnerved, so Dave and Roxy speaking took the edge off any kind of unnerving silence that could have been in the room.

You kind of spent a lot of the time sanding the coffee table thinking about what was so special about the coffin they were reviewing. Did it have an interior made of fluffy pillows? Was the woodwork on the coffin done really well? Was it made of fucking gold? Or, like, lined with it. What was even the point of decorating the inside of a coffin? It's not like the dead person can feel uncomfortable at all. They're dead and can't really feel anything. Unless they could, in which case cremating someone had a completely different line of reasoning to it. Is cremating like a double death? You guessed that's why it was fairly common that creating a body was used to get rid of the ghost. Because it killed the ghost by killing its body.

And that was also a really weird line of thought. You were very curious about the coffin now, and you were seriously wondering if you should just walk into the room to sate your curiosity. You resisted the urge because that would be rude and also interrupt the video, which would mean they would have to start over and that would be annoying to deal with for everyone involved. You could always ask them about the coffin later. They'd probably even let you see it. That scenario did, of course, hinge on the idea that they didn't ask you if you wanted to see the coffin first.

To be completely fair, however, it certainly wasn't one of the weirdest things that one of your friends had done, but that was probably because your friends were really fucking weird. Although Aradia would probably be excited to see a coffin, you weren't certain whether or not an actual corpse would end up in it. That would not be a great thing to happen. And someone would almost certainly get arrested, and you would likely have to bail someone out of jail. You think you've done that for nearly all your friends at some point, except maybe Nepeta and Equius, but that was because they bailed each other out. How they'd never been arrested together, you had no idea. You honestly think that you didn't really want to know.

Why have so many of your friends been arrested?

That was a rhetorical question. You knew exactly why the majority of your friends have been arrested. You should ask Dave if he'd ever been arrested. He didn't really seem like the kind of guy who would, but you could never be too sure.

You were actually only about halfway through sanding when Dave and Roxy returned back to the room.

"That coffee table is looking fucking amazing," Roxy exclaimed.

"Still a lot of work to do though."

"That's just how things go sometimes. You take a long ass time to do shit, and then it becomes absolutely ethereal looking. Like, it was already beautiful and shit, but, like, it became even more beautiful with effort, you feel? It's kind of like when you usually wear sweatpants and stuff, but you still look pretty good, but then you actually put a bunch of effort into your appearance, and suddenly people are turning heads looking towards you and think 'holy fucking shit when did they get so hot' but you were always that hot; you just hadn't unleashed it yet."

"I feel like you've been watching a lot of Queer Eye, Dave," Roxy teased.

"Queer Eye is a good show, Roxy," Dave defended, and you laughed a bit. "What? It is a good show!"

"It is a good show!" You said. "I just didn't really pin you as the kind of person to watch it, but I guess that's kind of rude to say. Honestly, I cry at every single episode, and I have a huge crush on Tan."

"Ohhh, the silver fox. I'm more a Karamo man myself. Can't help but love that sweet, sweet emotional support."

"I'm totes here for Johnathan," Roxy added. "I'm living for his fashion sense and grooming techniques."

The three of you talked about Queer Eye for maybe about an hour before you realized you had a question that you wanted to ask Dave.

"Hey, Dave. This might sound like a really fucking weird question, and I completely understand if you want nothing to do with actually answering, but I wanted to ask you if you've ever been arrested."

"What?" Dave asked, giving you a very incredulous expression that was made more apparent by his lack of eye protection.

"I was sanding this table, and I realized that so many of my friends have been arrested. It would be easier to name the friends that I have that haven't been arrested, and, since you're my friend, I got curious if you had ever been arrested. I really don't think you have, but you really can never be too sure. Like, hey, I've bailed Kanaya out of jail before, and she literally seems like the least likely person to get put in jail."

"No, no, I've never actually been to jail. What was Kanaya in jail for? Like what the fuck; she seems so prim and proper?" Dave said, and you couldn't help but laugh at that.

"I won't soil her reputation like that, but I don't think she's prim and proper at all. She's a fucking hot mess that disguises herself with a great sense of style and a high amount of confidence. She would severe a man in half and then use his blood as her lipstick. She insults people in such a way that you don't even realize that she insulted you until five years later when you wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about that moment. She has no mercy. She doesn't know where the forks and knives go in a fancy dining setting. Her room is covered in fashion magazine scraps and too many scarves. Kanaya is the last person I would call prim and proper."

"Holy shit man. You, like, started that fucking paragraph with telling us that you weren't going to soil her prim and proper reputation and then rip her a new one, like what kind of read is that even. She's not even here to defend herself."

"Those are just things you learn about her after getting to know her for a while. She, however, wouldn't really want people knowing about the horrendous act she did that managed to get her arrested," You said. Yeah, Kanaya really didn't want people to know that she was arrested for calling the police station to complain about how ugly the mugshot they took of her was. Why she had a mugshot was your and her secret.

"Alright then,” Dave responded.

“Hey, Karkat! I know you still got a long ass way to go in finishing that coffee table, but why don’t you take a break for now and come paint your nails with us?”

You looked at the table and then looked back towards Roxy before giving in.

“Alright. I guess I could take a small break.”

“Our nails are going to look like the goddamn queen is coming to town,” Roxy declared.

“Aren’t you already a self-proclaimed queen?” Dave questioned.

“Hell yeah, I am!”

And so, Dave and Roxy pulled you into replicating what was basically a slumber party.

Dave painted his nails rainbow, Roxy painted her’s in pink and purple gradients, and you opted for a natural black nail polish in the end. However, Roxy and Dave did manage to convince you to put a little bit of design on them with some gray nail polish, which simply ended up being a little V near the bed on your accent nail, which was the ring finger.

“Yeah, the ring finger is the typical accent nail, but, frankly, it gets kind of boring after painting your nails a whole bunch of times,” Roxy explained while painting a heart on her middle fingernail. “Which is why I like to mix it up a bit. Also, painting it on my middle finger shows that I am prepared to show it off to people, which also gives me an excuse as to why I’m only holding up my middle finger.”

“I prefer to not have an excuse,” You replied. “I need people to know that they’re being insulted.”

Both Roxy and Dave responded with a laugh, and you all continued to work on painting your nails and letting them dry completely, which honestly took absolute ages, and your’s absolutely still smudged despite you doing your best to keep your hands still for the entirety of their drying time.

By the time that your nails manage to dry, you realized that it was getting kind of late, so Dave suggested that you stay over. Of course, this was something you needed to inform Kanaya so that she wouldn’t wonder if you’ve been eaten by some horrible eldritch creature at some  
point.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: HEY, KANAYA; I WAS HANGING OUT AT DAVE’S PLACE AND LOST TRACK OF TIME, SO I’M STAYING OVER AT HIS PLACE.  
CG: I’M TELLING YOU THIS NOW SO YOU’RE NOT STAYING UP LATE WORRYING ABOUT ME.  
CG: I’LL BE SURE TO MAKE IT TO WORK ON TIME TOMORROW MORNING, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.  


GA: Alright I Trust You  
GA: Although I Do Have To Admit That I Was Uncertain Of Your Wearabouts I Am Glad That I No Longer Have To Worry About That So Thank You For Informing Me Of Your Situation  
GA: Might I Inquire About The Reasoning Behind Your Appearance At Daves Area Of Residence  


CG: IT’S KIND OF JUST A HANG OUT SESSION?  
CG: HIS OLDER SISTER IS IN TOWN, AND WE PAINTING OUR NAILS TOGETHER.  
CG: DAVE REVIEWED A COFFIN FOR HIS YOUTUBE CHANNEL.  


GA: A Coffin You Say  


CG: YEAH.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD ASK ABOUT IT OR IF I SHOULD JUST WAIT UNTIL THE VIDEO COMES OUT TO SATE MY CURIOUSITY.  


GA: I Believe Your Choice Should Rely On Whichever You Are More Comfortable With  
GA: Or I Suppose Whichever One You Happen To Get Around To Doing First  


CG: WHAT KIND OF BULGEMUNCHING DICKHEAD EVEN AGREES TO REVIEW A COFFIN?  
CG: WHAT KIND OF FUCKER EVEN ASKS????  


GA: Presumably Dave And Whoever Asked Him  
GA: It Is Certainly A Strange Occurrence Though  
GA: Anything Else Of Significance That Has Happened Over There  


CG: OH, YEAH, DAVE HAS REALLY PRETTY EYES.  


GA: Does He Now  


CG: IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  
CG: I JUST DON’T THINK I’VE EVER ACTUALLY SEEN HIM TAKE OFF HIS SHADES.  
CG: I DON’T THINK I’VE ACTUALLY EVER BOTHERED ASKING HIM WHY HE WEARS THEM ALL THE TIME.  


GA: I Do Believe It Is Because He Has Light Sensitivity Issues  
GA: And He Wears The Shades To Mitigate Any Areas That Might Potentially Have A Higher Light Level Than He Would Prefer  


CG: DID HE ACTUALLY TELL YOU THAT?  


GA: Yes He Actually Told Me That  
GA: Dave And I Have Been Talking A Bit More Recently  
GA: Although Whether This Getting To Know Him Is Due To Me Dating His Sister Or Because Of A Genuine Interest In Friendship I Am Unsure  


CG: DAVE SEEMS LIKE A REASONABLY GENUINE GUY, BARRING HIS WHOLE IRONY THING.  
CG: I THINK IF HE’S MESSAGING YOU AND MAKING AN ACTUAL ATTEMPT TO GET TO KNOW YOU, IT’S SINCERE.  
CG: I CAN ASK HIM ABOUT IT IF YOU WANT.  


GA: No That Is Quite Alright  
GA: I Will Simply See How Our Future Interactions Go  


CG: IF YOU INSIST  


GA: I Hope You Have A Good Time At Daves Place  
GA: Although It Sounds Like You Are Already Are Having  
GA: How Humans Say It  
GA: The Time Of Your Life  
GA: I Wish For Your Safety In The Remainder Of Your Stay  
GA: I Also Wish You Goodnight  
GA: And Also The Reminder That I Love You Dearly  


CG: I LOVE YOU TOO.  
CG: <>  


GA: <>

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

You had enough time to finish the table later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna be trying to get back into the habit of writing every day. why am i putting this in the notes? to hold myself accountable/remind myself to actually do so


	16. Just Making Some Hang Out Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAM! CHAPTER! RIGHT OFF THE PRESS!!! IT'S STEAMING HOT and also mostly kind of filler, but those always set up important shit that's going to happen in the future of the story

Karkat said he would go to a museum with you, so you were asking him to go to a museum with you. Granted, you were also taking Roxy and Rose, and you were also going to ask Terezi to come with you to cause a bit of chaos, but that was beside the point.

You already made the plans with Rose and Roxy, and you were doubtful that Terezi would say no unless she was busy, but Karkat only said maybe in response to you asking him to come with you, so he might take some convincing.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: hey  
TG: hey karkat  
TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: hey karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: bro  
TG: dude  
TG: my good bro karkat  
TG: hey  


CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERY SINGLE GOD THAT'S MANAGED TO EXIST ON THIS POOR EXCUSE FOR A PLANET DO YOU WANT.  


TG: do you remember when i asked you about going to a museum with some of my fam  
TG: were planning on going to an art museum  
TG: are you in  


CG: IS TEREZI GOING?  


TG: havent asked her yet  
TG: but i promise that ill convince her to not get us kicked out of the museum  
TG: or if she does do something that might get us kicked out  
TG: pretend we dont know her  


CG: AW, YES.  
CG: THE GOOD OLD "PRETEND I DON'T KNOW THEM" TRICK.  
CG: AS IF ANYONE IS DUMB ENOUGH FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ACTUALLY WORK.  


TG: i dont know man ive met some pretty fucking dumb people  
TG: pretty sure we can trick at least one person into thinking that we arent actually with terezi  
TG: although wed have to tell her that were gonna do that beforehand in case things go sour  


CG: WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE WE'RE PLANNING A FUCKING HEIST?  
CG: AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, WE ARE NOT STEALING ANY VALUABLE PAINTINGS OF NAKED WOMEN THAT SOME SELF-ENTITLED MAN MADE TO PLEASE HIS OWN SEXUAL FANTASIES.  


TG: i mean no we arent  
TG: but theres no way terezi isnt going to lick at least one painting and get lead poisoning  


CG: WHY WOULD WE BRING HER IF THERE'S A RISK OF LEAD POISONING?  


TG: terezi is the number one person to go to in order to cause chaos  
TG: no one is better at it  
TG: except maybe vriska but i havent talked to her in literal years  
TG: also i dont trust her  
TG: also shes just not a good person to hang out with in general  
TG: i seriously wonder why the fuck john thought it was even remotely a good idea to date her  


CG: IT'S A FUCKING MYSTERY.  
CG: TAVROS ALSO DATED HER AT ONE POINT, AND IT DID NOT END WELL.  
CG: I EXPECT THAT JOHN'S RELATIONSHIP WENT JUST AS WELL?  


TG: it less went actually bad and more that they got along a bit too well at first  
TG: and that made john more susceptible to vriskas ideas  
TG: which meant they were an extremely chaotic duo at one point  
TG: a duo which had little to no concern for the laws in place to protect people  
TG: it was a bad time for everyone involved  
TG: and their breakup was kind of messy too  
TG: like holy shit  
TG: it was like you left a house to rot for fifty years and then threw a bunch of fish to rot in the house until they decomposed and then made the house your designated garbage dump  
TG: messy  


CG: JESUS CHRIST.  
CG: TAVROS' BREAKUP WAS ALSO PRETTY MESSY.  
CG: HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE DATED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE GIVEN THAT SHE PARALYZED HIS FUCKING LEGS.  
CG: I THINK SHE KIND OF PRESSURED HIM INTO A RELATIONSHIP.  
CG: TAVROS WAS ALSO A PUSHOVER, SO IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS HARD.  
CG: BUT IT WAS STILL SUPER SHITTY.  


TG: yeah that sounds awful  
TG: does vriska just go around ruining lives  
TG: is that just a thing she does  


CG: HOPEFULLY SHE'S A BETTER PERSON NOW?  
CG: I MEAN, SHE AND TAVROS DATED AT THE START OF HIGH SCHOOL, SO IT'S NOT LIKE EITHER OF THEM WERE SUPER MATURE OR ANYTHING.  
CG: I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT TAVROS IS LESS OF A PUSHOVER AND VRISKA IS LESS OF AN ASSHOLE.  
CG: BUT I HAVEN'T TALKED TO EITHER OF THEM IN YEARS, SO I WOULDN'T KNOW.  
CG: I GUESS YOU HAVE A MORE RECENT IDEA OF VRISKA.  


TG: i guess  
TG: i kind of always tried to avoid her though  
TG: she gave me super bad vibes  
TG: so i didnt exactly know her that well but she seemed like a huge dickhead to me  
TG: and she also seemed like a huge dickhead to everyone else  
TG: which made her dating john even stranger because hes like  
TG: the nicest person  
TG: well  
TG: maybe not the nicest  
TG: but like  
TG: hes certainly not a complete douchebag  
TG: only a little bit of one but thats mostly because of the pranks he pulls which  
TG: to be fair  
TG: are pretty much completely harmless  


CG: SO, NOT MUCH DIRT ON VRISKA.  


TG: absolutely nothing my dude  
TG: and theres another thing i dont have  
TG: your answer for whether or not youre chill with going to the art museum with us  


CG: YEAH, SURE.  
CG: I GUESS I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE.  
CG: EXCEPT MAYBE MY PRIDE AND DIGNITY.  
CG: WHICH I ALREADY LOST A LONG TIME AGO SO WHO CARES AT THIS POINT?  
CG: WHEN AND WHERE IS IT GOING TO BE?  


TG: its gonna be tomorrow at around twoish and were gonna carpool everyone so you dont really have to worry about the place  
TG: but the museum were going to is going to be the totally tubular and radical museum of fantastical art  
TG: kind of a long name but i wasnt the one who named it  
TG: id probably name it something like the shittiest paintings in existence  
TG: and then have it full of well known masterpieces  
TG: legit just to be completely ironic  


CG: THAT'S PROBABLY THE WORST NAME YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY COME UP WITH.  


TG: hey what can i say its a talent  


CG: I'LL GO WITH YOU TO THE SHITTY MUSEUM.  
CG: JUST DON'T GET US KICKED OUT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well, that was one person convinced. Now you just had to convince Terezi not to fuck shit up horribly, which might be a little more difficult than anticipated.

Well, if you're anticipating it then you guess that it's going to be exactly as difficult as you expected, so you're contradicting yourself right there.

But that stuff didn't really matter. What really mattered at this current moment in time was convincing Terezi to not cause too much chaos. A little bit of chaos was fine, but you were gonna have to draw the line at potential lead poisoning.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: yo what is up tz  


GC: F4NT4ST1C 4S 4LW4YS  
GC: WH4T BR1NGS YOU TO MY L41R, D4V3?  


TG: well see  
TG: im gonna invite you to hang out at an art museum  
TG: its gonna be tomorrow at twoish and were carpooling  
TG: that all sound cool to you  


GC: WHO 3X4CTLY 1S GO1NG ON TH1S 3XCURS1ON??  


TG: well theres gonna be me rose roxy and karkat  
TG: anyone else you wanna bring feel free to  


GC: Y3S  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1LL 4CC3PT TH3 OPT1ON TO BR1NG 4 PLUS ON3  


TG: oh dope whore you bringing  


GC: H4H4 YOU SA1D WHOR3  


TG: who are  


GC: 1 KNOW WH4T YOU M34NT  
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M4K3 FUN OF YOU  
GC: 4NYW4Y  
GC: 1M BR1NG1NG N3P3T4  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1F YOU KNOW H3R  
GC: BUT 1F YOU DONT YOU W1LL  


TG: i actually have met her before  


GC: R34LLY??  
GC: WH3N??  


TG: karkat mentioned her and then i got her trollhandle from kanaya and we had a roleplay session  
TG: she seemed like a pretty cool person  
TG: id be great to actually meet her in person although i have to admit that i havent really talked to her all that much  
TG: but like  
TG: it would absolutely be better to be introduced in person so then we have an actual reference for who knows who  
TG: without having to resort to some complicated and convoluted game of telephone  


GC: D4V3  


TG: yes terezi  


GC: 1 H4V3 NO FUCK1NG CLU3 WH4T TH3 H3LL YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT  


TG: oh you know  
TG: things  


GC: 1 R34LLY DONT KNOW  


TG: it was kind of a bunch of nonsense anyway  
TG: anyway  
TG: see you tomorrow  


GC: M4YB3 TH1S T1M3 YOULL G3T 4RR3ST3D  


TG: terezi you cant just keep wishing that i get arrested so you can be my lawyer in court  


GC: H3Y  
GC: 1 KNOW YOULL P4Y W3LL  


TG: you also have reasonable rates  
TG: remember that one fucking lawyer  
TG: tagora or some shit  
TG: he charged me just for a greeting  
TG: who the fuck does that  


GC: >:/  


TG: oh yeah big mood  
TG: he was a douchebag and i hope i never ever meet him again  
TG: im glad you came in before he started making up some crime i did that he could defend me from  


GC: 1 M34N  
GC: YOUV3 GOT TO M4K3 MON3Y SOM3HOW  


TG: yeah but he was basically stealing every single ounce of money that i may have had on my person  
TG: thats less earning money and more robbery  


GC: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  


TG: i hate you sometimes you know that right  


GC: 1 L1V3 4ND SURV1V3 OFF OF YOUR H4TR3D  
GC: 1T 1S TH3 SUBST4NC3 TH4T 1 N33D TO SUST41N MYS3LF  


TG: i call bullshit  
TG: you just enjoy laughing at my pain  


GC: 1TS TRU3 >:]  


TG: i cant believe this  
TG: youre actually admitting it  
TG: i never thought this day would come  
TG: i suppose i always knew it in my soul  
TG: but i always convinced myself that i was wrong  
TG: why would my friend betray me  
TG: why would my friend derive pleasure from my pain  
TG: but i was naive  
TG: i was foolish  
TG: and now  
TG: hearing you say those words  
TG: i feel my very heart and soul break into two  


GC: YOU DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT 4NYMOR3 DO YOU  


TG: not a fucking clue  
TG: but anyway im gonna go edit some videos  
TG: you work on some lawyery stuff  
TG: see you tomorrow where i will pick you up or something  
TG: eh well figure out who picks up who later  
TG: see ya

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

Well, that went well. You think. You're not actually completely sure because you still don't really trust Terezi not to get you in heaps of trouble, but at least you told her not to do so.

Wait. Did you actually do that? You were pretty sure you remembered typing something like that, but you were honestly way too lazy to go back and check, so you're just going to assume that you did the thing. Although you can't really recall Terezi's response to it, you should be fine.

You decided to start editing the video you and Roxy collabed on for a bit until someone started to message you.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

>GA: I Apologize For Possibly Disturbing You But I Must Notify You That Your Suit Has Been Completed  


TG: oh shoot i almost forgot about that holy shit  
TG: so like its actually going to properly fit me and shit now  


GA: That Would Be The Idea Yes  
GA: If It Still Does Not Fit The Next Time You Try It On I Am Obligated To Fix It Until It Truly Fits You In The Way You Want  
GA: Rose Has Told Me About Your Distaste For Obtaining A Suit  
GA: And I Can Only Assume That Is Because You Have Had Poor Suit Experiences Before  
GA: After All That Is All Too Common  
GA: But I Suppose That Is Inappropriate Of Me To Comment On  


TG: nah its chill  
TG: the entire suit thing is actually something i really shouldnt worry about before  
TG: bc like previously i was super worried about suits making any curves more obvious  
TG: but like  
TG: ive been on t for a while so any curves i perceive are more an illusion than anything else  


GA: Even If You Did I Have Plenty Of Experience Tailoring Suits For Men Women And Otherwise Regardless Of What Gender They May Have Been Assigned At Birth  
GA: A Suit That Fit Me And Still Allowed Me To Be Feminine Was Something That I Had Always Wanted But Not Many People Offered That Kind Of Service  
GA: So I Decided To Offer It  


TG: oh thats hella dope  
TG: but yeah i always felt super uncomfortable getting fitted for a suit and i guess thats why i avoided it for so long  


GA: I Do Hope You Were Not Uncomfortable While I Measured You  


TG: nah it was more chill  
TG: i was more uncomfortable by the thinly veiled flirting going on between you and rose  
TG: but thats mostly just because rose is my sister and i dont wanna see her flirting with someone else  
TG: that shits nasty  


GA: Yes Seeing A Sibling Flirt Is Certainly Not A Pleasant Experience And I Apologize If That Experience Caused You Distress  


TG: nah its all chill  
TG: it was definitely the most comfortable suiting up experience that ive ever had in my existence of a life  


GA: I Am Glad You Feel That Way  
GA: Anyway I Only Wished To Inform You Of The Fact That Your Suit Has Been Completed And That You Should Come Pick It Up Within A Week  


TG: would it be chill if i just came and picked it up today  


GA: Yes That Would Be Amicable  


TG: cool cool cool  
TG: ill probably drop by in like an hour  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool  


GA: Cool Cool Cool  


TG: cool cool cool cool  


GA: I Believe That This Is Getting Out Of Hand  
GA: That Was One Too Many Cools  


TG: so three cools is the perfect amount of cools  
TG: it cant be any more or any less than three cools otherwise the entire world falls apart  


GA: I Am Certain That Is How It Works Yes  


TG: well shit man  
TG: guess the world is going to fall apart with the amount of cool thats taking over this town  
TG: actually does the combined amount of cools do anything  
TG: because we both said a lot more than three cools  


GA: The Cools Need To Be Separated In Groups Of Three  
GA: So We Were Fine Until You Dared Move Up To A Total Of Four Cools  


TG: is going up to four cools illegal now  
TG: am i going to get arrested  


GA: Yes I Am Calling The Police Right Now  
GA: I Am Being Sarcastic If That Was Not Obvious  
GA: I Am Not Actually Planning On Calling The Police  
GA: I Do Not Believe That Would Yield Desirable Results  


TG: the desired results being joke joke laugh  


GA: Yes The Desired Results Would Be Joke Joke Laugh  
GA: But Not Joke Joke Joke Laugh  
GA: Because That Would Be Illegal  


TG: oh shit yeah that sounds hella think we might actually have to call the police if something like that ever but luckily we would never do anything like 

GA: No Of Course Not  
GA: We Would Never Engage In Such An Action  


TG: unless we both became criminals  
TG: in which case we would be free to do as we please  


GA: I Do Not Believe That Is How The Law Works  


TG: i know  
TG: tz just spends a lot of time joking about that sort of thing  
TG: i think she is actively attempting to get us to do crimes so that she can do her lawyery thing  
TG: or put us in jail  
TG: which might be some sort of weird fetish for her i dont really know  


GA: That May Perhaps Be The Case  


TG: oh yeah speaking of tz would you like to join our group to go to an art museum  


GA: Which Art Museum  


TG: oh you know the totally tubular and radical museum of fantastical art  


GA: Dope I Am In  
GA: I May Have Spoken Too Quickly  
GA: Depending On The Time In Which You Are Going I May Or May Not Be Capable Of Being In Attendance  


TG: were planning on going tomorrow at like twoish  
TG: gonna carpool there together to save the environment and all that good shit  
TG: its like  
TG: to let things live i think  
TG: i dont really know how all this environment or life stuff works  
TG: jades better at it than i am  
TG: with growing all her plants and shit  
TG: shes practically a farmer  
TG: tilling away at the soil looking up at the sun and not getting her eyes burned out somehow  
TG: just going along and doing the farmerly thing  
TG: also building a bunch of fancy gadgets and shit that are more advanced than well ever conceivably get access to  
TG: the usual things that farmers do  
TG: janes also pretty good at it  
TG: shes like  
TG: basically mother earth at this point  
TG: got this huge corporation you would expect there to be a shit ton of pollution and all that jazz  
TG: but no janes got this place on lockdown  
TG: doing all sorts of environmental conservation shit  
TG: like planting trees and preventing waste from all her products  
TG: she really does her best to create no waste its actually really impressive  
TG: itd probably be more impressive if i actually knew what the hell was going on with all that stuff  
TG: you could almost say that shes made of life  
TG: which would be a funny joke if we knew what we were joking about  
TG: but we dont so its really just an off handed comment about how jane is absolutely dope at life shit  
TG: yo kanaya you still there  


GA: Yes My Apologizes For Leaving For A Minute  
GA: I Needed To Look At My Calendar To Make Certain I Would Be Capable Of Joining Your Group On An Excursion To The Totally Tubular And Radical Museum Of Fantastical Art  


TG: so whats the verdict here  
TG: do we need a court procession or what  


GA: No No That Will Not Be Necessary  
GA: I Have Already Taken Care Of All The Court Issues Already  
GA: Much To The Chagrin Of Terezi As I Would Presume  


TG: so what was the final verdict of the court  


GA: I Do Have That Particular Time Slot Available  
GA: Although I Likely Will Only Be Able To Stay For An Hour Or So  


TG: thats chill  
TG: its just nice to get a big group of friends together and hang out for a bit  
TG: even if it is only a short amount of time  
TG: also im still dropping by soon to get the suit  
TG: did not forget about that during the duration of this conversation  


GA: Neither Did I  
GA: I Look Forward To Seeing Your Presence At Rosemary

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Welp, you better get going then. It’d be rude to keep her waiting right after you said you would be there soon, so you finished up a couple things before leaving to go to Rosemary. You would’ve invited Roxy to go along with you, but she was hanging out with Rose for the day, so you merely set off by yourself.

You arrived pretty quickly actually, in a manner that would almost seem anticlimactic if it wasn’t such a mundane task.

The little bell thing rings when you enter the place and are once again greeted by the lovely atmosphere of the store.

Actually, you don’t think you’ve ever stopped and really looked at the store. Like, sure, you’ve acknowledged the swaths of colorful fabric that decorate the store, but you’ve never actually took a minute to smell the roses, so to speak.

It is a figure of speech, especially since Rose wasn’t actually here with you and also it would be extremely weird to try to smell your sister except under the very specific circumstance of complaining about her BO, something which the both of you had done to each other in your teenage years. Because you were teenagers who smelled bad and happened to live in the same household.

Anyway. You don’t think you’ve ever took a minute to fully appreciate the decor of the store (dope rhyme, save for future raps).

The store had two windows on either side of the door that looked out towards the streets. In the windows were mannequins whose outfits changed over time. Two of the mannequins showcased more feminine fashions while the other two had more masculine styles. Currently, the mannequins were dressed in reds and oranges and browns, reflecting the fall colors. They featured long pants, scarves, sweaters, and other assortments of clothing that assisted with keeping someone warm.

More recent styles of clothing were arranged towards the front of the store while items that were out of season were kept at the back of the store because, obviously, people needed the most fashionable clothes immediately. Like they were just rushing into the store because they had a fancy party to go to in five minutes, and they neglected to get an outfit prior to this occasion, so they go into the very first shop they find that could conceivably hold the clothing they desire.

But, while the clothing looked amazing, your favorite part of the store had to be the lighting. It was lit up like one of those romantic dinner places except instead of looking fancy, it just looked cozy and nice. Like, you could take a bunch of the clothes and make a pile with them and then take a nap in that pile, but that would be a pretty weird thing to do, especially if you hadn’t bothered purchasing them yet.

There were also other small decorations scattered about here and there to be more in line with a fall theme, and they just added to the cozy feel of the store. It was just a nice place.

The person at the counter wasn’t Karkat, and it also wasn’t anybody you recognized. Regardless, you simply told them you were there to pick up your suit, which had been paid for in advance.

You tried on the suit one last time while Kanaya made certain that everything fit you properly and then you were able to walk out of the store with your bright red plush suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think you realize how tempted i was to add even more "cool cool cools" to kanaya and dave's conversation. also i love writing dave and kanaya's interactions because they're both really fun characters to write


	17. The Totally Tubular And Radical Museum Of Art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nice

How everyone managed to fit inside this car was beyond you. It was honestly some kind of magic or some shit. It was gonna be like one of those fucking clown cars where clowns just keep coming out. Maybe that’s where Rose got this car. Just from a bunch of clowns. Maybe you should ask her.

“Holy fuck, Rose, did you get this car from a bunch of clowns?” Karkat yelled out before you got the chance to.

“Yes, Karkat. I searched all over the globe for a chance to buy a tacky car from a circus that was going out of business. They were crying when I handed them the money and sobbing the moment I drove the brightly painted car away, never to be seen again. I spared a short moment to think about them while I had the car painted as black as the depths of my soul. It was heartbreaking.”

“What color was the car originally?” Kanaya inquired, preventing you from asking that very same question.

“All colors of the rainbow, all the colors swirling together like spilled blood. It had a bright red sphere at the tip of it, imitating the clowns’ nose.”

“Smells delicious!” Terezi cackled, and Roxy bumped you with her elbow.

“Don’t worry bout’ them. We’ll just be voidy buddies over here. All hidden and mysterious and shit. Like ninjas. God, ninjas are so cool. They’re, like, wizards but their majyyks are about staying hidden and all that stuff.”

“What to start a ninja group?” You asked. “We, of course, keep it a secret from everyone cause that’s the whole point, but it will be its own sect of magic that no one knows about and that’s the entire point of it.”

“Dave.” Roxy looked at you. “That sounds totes amazingballs. We should defo do it.”

“And this is the address of our mysterious extra guest?” Rose questioned, interrupting you and Roxy from your conversation about ninjas.

“You’ll see!” Terezi said as she hopped out of the car to knock on the door of the house that was super overgrown, almost as if it had been abandoned for years.

The door opened after a moment, revealing a cheerful looking troll with cat-like features wearing an overall dress with an olive green coat. Paired with the outfit was a bright blue hat with a cat face on it and a pair of rainbow stockings.

Terezi and the cat troll hugged and went to the car while holding hands.

“Hey, folks!” Terezi greeted. “This is my matesprit! Karkat and Kanaya already know her, but for the humans present here, this is Nepeta.”

“Wait, shit that’s your matesprit?” You interjected. “I didn’t even know you were dating anyone. I mean, I guess that is pretty personal information, and obviously, I’m not offended or anything that you didn’t tell me, but holy shit, when did the two of you start dating? Because if it was, like, a year ago, I’m going to be a little bit offended.”

“No, Dave, we got together about a month ago. It hasn’t been that long.”

“Alright-that’s chill. Yo, Nepeta, right? I’m Dave.” You stuck out your hand for a handshake before realizing something. “Wait, I’m pretty sure I met you online, and we roleplayed for a short bit.”

Nepeta’s eyes kind of lit up in recognition.

“Oh, yeah! I remember mew! It was purrty fun to roleplay with mew! Purrhaps we should do it again sometime.”

“Sounds dope as hell. Oh, yeah, just so you know, these are my sisters, Roxy and Rose,” You pointed to each respective sister. “They’re pretty cool depending on what kind of traits you like in a person. You go to Rose for weirdly invasive conversations about how you’re attracted to your own mother, and you go to Roxy for hot tips about domestic house cleaning.”

“Don’t worry about Dave. He has many issues yet to be examined,” Rose said.

“I resent that statement,” You said, but you didn’t really mean it. Pretty much everybody who knew any of you knew that you were a fucked up bunch of people. Although, who knew you was kind of questionable because a lot of people know you as a Grubtuber, but not necessarily as a person, so you suppose there were plenty of people who knew you who were unaware of the fact that you and your siblings were all a little bit fucked up. Or a lot fucked up.

“Ignoring the weird statements Dave always seems incapable of not saying, holy shit, you’re dating each other!?” Karkat exclaimed.

“Yes, Karkat, get with the program,” Terezi said.

“Yeah, Karkat, get with the program,” You mimicked and got a light wack from Karkat for doing so.

“I am with the program. Excuse me if I want to act a little surprised when I find out two of my friends are dating.”

“Especially since Purreszi and I have a litter bit of hisstory with Karakitty,” Nepeta whispered to you, and you nodded sagely, promising yourself to keep this secret that was entrusted to you locked up tight in your heart.

“What kind of history?” Goddamnit.

“Oh, mew know,” Nepeta said, but you really had absolutely no idea about what was going on with the entire relationship that the three of them may or may not have had. Well, you were pretty sure that Karkat had a crush on Terezi at some point or another, but you didn’t really know how Nepeta fit into all that stuff.

”Oh, yeah, I totes know,” Roxy responded, but she was always good at figuring out what people were saying based on what they didn’t say.

You, however, didn’t have that same luxury.

“I don’t,” You said because, let’s be honest, this was probably the most interesting conversation you’ve had in a fucking while. And also you’re a slut for gossip. “Not that you have to tell me or anything. We’re still pretty much strangers at this point, but I’ve known Karkat for a short while and Terezi for much longer, so I don’t think it would be completely out of bounds to know a little bit of their past dating history.”

“Don’t you mean a litter bit?” Nepeta asked, and you laughed.

“Yes, fuck, absolutely. Abpawlutely? Fuck. I don’t know how to make a pun out of that. Whatever. The point of the matter is that I’ve known both Karkat and Terezi for a while. Not that you have to tell me. I’m not even sure if Terezi and Karkat would be okay with you telling me or even them telling me or me finding out in any situation in general, but I can tell you that I am, in fact, curious as all get out over here.”

“Oh my fucking Jesus god, Dave. Shut the fuck up,” Karkat interrupted. “I don’t give a single, solitary, flying fuck if you knew what happened because that occurred literally sweeps ago. I’m over it. Utterly and completely.”

“Are you certain about that, Karkat?” Kanaya asked. “We can talk about it if you wish.”

“Yeah, I’m over it. No need to talk about it. We could talk about other things later though.”

“Ugh! You’re both so cute and gross!” Terezi claimed. “I love you both, but quit it! That stuff should stay private.”

“Hey! What’s so salacious about considering discussing a certain subject with my moirail?”

“We’re here at the museum,” Rose interrupted the conversation, which was honestly probably for the best, even if you didn’t get to know what was going on exactly. Although, gathering from context, Karkat and Kanaya were being gross moirails. “But, before we go in, we’ve got to set a few ground rules.”

“Shit, man, are we a bunch of kids who are going to be running around all chaotic if we don’t have a few rules to keep us down?” You asked, but your statement was countered by Terezi.

“Shut up, Dave! Rules are important! They keep society running and put horrible criminals in jail!”

“Yes, rules happen to be quite important most of the time, even though there are plenty of laws that I personally would consider to be unjust,” Kanaya said. “So I agree with Rose on setting a few grounds rules, especially because I know for certain that our particular friend group has the tendency to be a little more than a bit chaotic. Some grounding would do us good.”

“Now we have that settled, I will actually go onto just a few things I would like for all of you to keep in mind as we enter the museum. First of all, use some basic common sense and follow basic rules. Second, if any of us get lost or if we decide to split up, go to the front of the museum near the entrance so that we can find you. Third, have fun. Any questions?”

“This isn’t pawticularly a question, but wouldn’t it be better if we decided on a loclawtion once we enter the museum? The front seems like the place that would be the busiest, and people who go there might be whiskered away by the crowd.”

“Oh shit that’s a really good question, even though it wasn’t really a question, but who really cares about the specifics of that, and wow, I just said the word ‘really’ a lot in that sentence, but I guess that doesn’t really matter since it’s not like anything I say matters in the long run,” You rambled. “It’s kind of comforting to think of my place in the world like that, you know? Like, no matter how many mistakes I make or how much stupid shit manages to come waterfalling out of my mouth, it just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m just a guy in a sea of women and men and people and plants and animals and the thought of that is nice.”

“Davey,” Roxy said. “I agree with you completely, but we’re trying to not get potentially killed, kidnapped, or in trouble at a museum right now, so I don’t think right now is the time to go around admitting to the world that we don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, you’re right. Everyone, disregard whatever I was saying. I forgot everything I was just talking about anyway, so you all should forget about what I was just saying. Or don’t. I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“I’m not sure if I agree with what you were saying, but, sure. We’ll continue setting down the ground rules like we were doing before. In response to Nepeta’s concern, how about we stick together until we get inside and then decide on a meeting place. If one of us somehow manages to get lost during that time, meet up at the car.”

“Alright that sounds like as good a plan as any,” You responded. “Certainly better than, like, I don’t know, meeting up at the front like we were originally going to do, no shade, tbh, but we already established that shit was not a super great idea. Where else would we even possibly meet up otherwise? Shit man I have no idea.”

“Yes, now that Dave has decided to cease his ramblings, does anybody else have questions?”

“What exactly are these ‘basic rules’ we have to follow?” Terezi questioned. “As a lawyer, it is my job to know all the rules and regulations of everything.”

“Well, there are the rules set in place by the museum itself, such as no flash photography and no touching the paintings. That means no licking the paintings, Terezi.”

“I can still stiff them, right?”

“Yes, so long as none of the art is damaged in the process. With that, no damaging any of the art and no stealing it either. I’m looking at you, Roxy,” Rose squinted her eyes suspiciously towards Roxy, who held her hands up in innocence.

“I ain’t gonna steal the paintings, sis, alright? Besides, what kind of shit would I even use a big ol’ painting or statue for? Unless I was selling it to get money for those in need, then I might steal some fancy art stuff. But, other than that, I promise to refrain from stealing anything. Daytime isn’t even a good time to steal shit.”

“I’m glad we have that squared away. Anything else we want to question?” Rose asked.

“Yeah, actually. I’ve got a question,” You decided on only asking the best question ever in existence. You pause for dramatic effect.

“Dave. I am completely unable to answer your question if you don’t fucking ask it.”

“Right, right, alright, here goes my question, all prepared and ready to be answered and all that jazz.”

“Just ask the fucking question, Dave!” Karkat interjected.

“Alright, fine. My question is as follows-what if I don’t want to have fun? What if, instead, I want to revel in the horror that the art bestows upon me, or the sadness? What then, huh? What if I want to cry in front of the paintings because of the amount of pain they depict? What if I want to scream in anger at them because they’re about to put down the revolution going on? What if I’m part of that revolution? What then, Rose, what then?”

“I suppose having fun isn’t an actually a requirement more than a suggestion, but it would be preferable that you enjoyed your experience at this art museum, particularly since you and Roxy were the ones who invited us all on this excursion.”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m gonna have a good time.”

“Alright, anything else we have not yet addressed? Kanaya, do you have a ride coming in an hour? If not, I’d be happy to drop you off where you need to go,” Rose stated.

“No, that is quite alright. I do, in fact, already have someone who is going to bring me to where I need to go. Thank you for the offer. I might actually consider it if the person doesn’t uphold their end of the arrangement.”

“Shall we go in then?”

“Yes, that’d be delightful.”

All of you got out of the car, but not without Rose flirting with Kanaya by going through the whole spiel of opening the door for her and holding her hand as she got out of the car as gracefully as someone possibly even could. You’d be impressed if you weren’t being grossed out by the fact that your sister was romancing Kanaya. You were happy for them and all, but still. Seeing your sister flirt wasn’t fun at all.

Aside from Kanaya and Rose flirting immensely, you all do manage to get inside the art museum and pick a spot to meet up if any of you get separated from each other. Getting separated happened pretty much immediately as Terezi took off with Nepeta, which was kind of a shame since you were looking forward to getting to know Nepeta a bit better. It was whatever though because you could always get to know Nepeta later on pesterchum. Or trollian or whatever chat client Nepeta used.

And then Roxy went off with Rose and Kanaya because she wanted to get to know Kanaya better, which was pretty fair. Kanaya did stop to make sure Karkat was okay with her going off with Roxy and Rose and doing their own thing before leaving, so that was pretty chill.

That did mean you were left with Karkat, and you definitely did not think about the implications of being split up into what were basically couples. Well, Roxy wasn’t in a couple, but she was third-wheeling a couple, so you guessed it still counted. Point is, you were not thinking about it.

Karkat was your bro. It was time to make fun of pretentious paintings with your bro. And also statues. And also make fun of how none of the artists looked like they had ever seen a boob in their life.

“Alright, Karkat. We’ve been left alone to function according to our own desires and devices. What do you want to do? I say that, but I really mean where do you want to go first? There’s, like, a bajillion different exhibits to peruse through, and we don’t have all day. We’ve got to choose super carefully and figure out which exhibits has the most potential for our hungry-for-art eyes. Which exhibit is most worthy of our respective words and hot bodes? What l;asjdfaslk;fj-”

You were interrupted from your beautiful speech about what exhibit to go to by Karkat putting his hand over your mouth in an attempt to get you to shut up. It only really kind of worked, and you licked his hand pretty much immediately.

“Gross,” Karkat retracted his hand from your mouth and wiped his hand on your shirt.

“Gross.”

“It’s your spit. I’m just putting it back where it belongs, you goddamn cabbage bastard.”

“I can’t even be offended when you insult me creatively. It just awakens the musical brain, wondering how I can use the phrase ‘cabbage bastard’ and other variations of that phrase in some dope ass raps and slam poetry.”

“What? So I should only ever bother to insult you when I utilize the most bare bones of insults available to me, ignoring the array of possible offenders that may be perfectly ripe for the picking of my scorn.”

“No, I don’t think I could ever actually handle it if you stopped using your insults. I may have never had them in my life before, but the moment you sent me that ten-page rant, I couldn’t help but want more. And then, as if the gods brought us together, I found you at Rosemary, and I got to know you, and I was graced with your beautiful insults. They are my lifeline now. I don’t think I can bear to live without them anymore.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Karkat pointed towards an abstract painting because apparently, you both walked into the abstract art gallery. “And look at the paintings.”

“Well that’s a dandy fucking painting right there. Lots of colors, lots of paints, looks like a rose had sex with a lamp. Or maybe it looks like a rose having sex with a lamp. What do you think, Karkat? Cash or trash?”

“Cash or trash?” Karkat questioned, shooting you a look that was a mixture of disgust and confusion.

“You know, is this painting worth actual money, aka cash, or should it be thrown in the garbage, aka trash,” You explained.

“I highly doubt I’ll be able to make any sort of judgment about that. It’s really not my place to decide whether a painting or statue or whatever that someone worked hard on is worth the effort they put into it.”

“Well, all these are paintings that were obviously sold to a museum, so they have to be worth something, otherwise there’d be no use in showing them, but, in this case, I’m mostly asking your personal opinion. Let’s say cash in terms of you would consider buying it if you had the money, and trash in terms of you would never even consider getting that painting anywhere near your beloved home. Or maybe we could do bash instead of trash, in which case we just shit talk the painting relentlessly and make the security guards and parents uncomfortable with our borderline pornographic roast.”

“Your roast will be borderline pornographic,” Karkat correct. “My roast will be delicate and thought out, carefully seasoned and turned over a fire to achieve the most critically acclaimed criticism able to be graced upon other’s spongeclots.”

“Oh, shit. I am here for this roast. I need to know if it is as truly delicious as I had heard.”

“Well you don’t get to eat the roast,” Karkat commented, sending you into a fit of laughter.

“Right, well, tell me what you think of the painting anyway.”

Karkat stared at the painting for a moment before responding to your statement.

“I think it’s a piece of shit. The person who painted this has no idea that color theory is something that exists, and their placement of the colors looks similar to nearly every other abstract painting out there. I wouldn’t be surprised if they plagiarized the work, but that would be unlikely since it’s currently in a reputable museum. Regardless, it’s a piece of shit. I vote trash.”

“And that’s the first round of Cash or Trash!” You opted to put on your best announcer/game show host voice. “This painting, ‘Roadwash’, by the artist Ertidy Bushaw has been voted as trash by our contestant, the one, the only, Karkat Vantas. Let’s go to the next painting to see what he says next.”

Karkat couldn’t keep the smile off his face, despite the fact that was really trying his best to keep a grumpy demeanor or, at the very least, a straight face.

“Now we have the next painting. Bold and daring, we have the beautiful work of Reia Equitor, who has decided to name this particular painting ‘The World of Nothingness and Everythingness.’ What will our contestant say?” You pretended that you were holding a microphone and holding it up to Karkat.

“First of all, I’m insulted that you think I need a microphone,” Karkat started out, causing you to choke out a quick laugh before going back to holding a semi-straight face. “Second of all, this painting is better than the last one. The artist has some idea of color theory, but her choice in colors are a bit too bold for my liking. I appreciate her skill in using negative space to achieve her vision, but it’s not really something that tickles my fancy. Trash.”

“We have a harsh grader over here-will he like the next one? Or will it go in the garbage can like the others? Let’s see, shall we?” You and Karkat walked over to the next painting, and you continued your announcer/game show host voice. “This painting, called ‘Puffed Rice’, looks like a close up of a bowl of burnt puffed rice. The artist goes by the name of Telleray. Now for the fated question: Mr. Vantas- cash or trash?”

“Hmm… The colors aren’t actually bad in this one. It has a sort of geometric patterning, which I do like, and the black of the burnt rice goes well with the blue and white ceramic bowl. The colors are easy on the eyes, and the shapes all nicely go together like a puzzle. I’ll say cash on this round.”

“Our first cash winner! Looks like third time’s the charm! I’d never thought I’d see the day when an abstract painting won cash! Most people just complain about how pretentious artists are for making abstract paintings, but here we have a winner for once in this show! I think we might have to have a celebration to commemorate the occasion!”

“That won’t be necessary, Mr. Strider. I’ll just take the painting and leave, thank you very much.” Karkat mimed taking the painting off the wall and holding it under his arm. He then proceeded to bestow upon you pretend cash, which you pretended to take.

“Alright, you tired of the abstract gallery at all?” You asked.

“Dave, we’ve only looked at one room of paintings. There’s a reason there’s an entire section solely dedicated to abstract artistry.”

“Don’t tell me-the next room is also full of abstract artistic pieces.”

“I’m afraid to tell you this, but that is, in fact, the case. If you’re so sick of abstract stuff already, we could go into a section that holds more classical pieces.”

“Equally as pretentious, but there’s more things to shit on. Sounds like a dream to bash and trash on. I say we go there.”

You and Karkat made your way over to a section that was mostly full of portraits of the rich people of the past, which mostly meant that the paintings were full of cool-blooded trolls and white people. There were exceptions to both of those, obviously, but you couldn’t really argue with the overwhelming facts that there were certain people who held the majority of the wealth at one point or another.

“Alright, what do you think of this lady who looks like she’s about to get tried for witchcraft with all that water magic she looks like she’s doing? What’s this shit called? ‘Before the Trial’ by David Austin? Shit, I guess she was just about to be tried for witchcraft. Shit was bonkers. People being tried for witchcraft all the time. Don’t a bunch of trolls have, like, actual legit powers? Can you even imagine what the humans of the time would think? Jesus, there would be an actual war. Although, I guess there was already a war, but it ended at some point I think. I don’t know, I never actually paid much attention in history class.”

That was actually a lie. You were probably the biggest nerd in your entire class. You just pretended you were too cool for school. Shit, are you still pretending you were too cool for school? You’re really trying to get into the habit of being a little more genuine, especially since you started being moirails with Aradia. So maybe you should backtrack.

“Well, I did pay attention in history class, but I pretended not to because of reasons. The point is, people were fucked, but everyone probably would have been more fucked if shit happened further in the past, you get me?” Aradia would have probably been proud of you for saying that. Heck, you’re proud of you for admitting that. You decided to give yourself a mental pat on the back. “Anyway, I’ve said my peace. What’s your professional opinion?”

“Yeah, humans would have been fucked if trolls came any earlier than we did,” Karkat agreed. “You guys barely had figured out bathing, much less advanced technology. But, as for the painting, it looks well made and well preserved. The woman in the painting looks like she’s having a good time, but she almost looks like a child in this painting. Maybe it’s the way she’s staring at the floating water in wonder. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s going to die soon. Either way, she looks way too young for the context of the painting. I’ll say cash for this one.”

“I’m gonna have to agree with you on that one. This is a fucking gorgeous painting, and if it wasn’t illegal, I’d probably steal it away. Although if I did, you know Terezi would defend me to the death. That, or she would kill me first. It’s kind of a toss-up. Probably left to a coin that she would flip and then tell me that she’s blind, so she can’t even see the result of the whole thing. Like this gig that basically results in giving the other person a glimmer of hope while also knowing that there’s really no choice in the matter. Basically, it’s the illusion of choice. One is always going to be the ‘correct’ one, but that’s more a matter of judgment, isn’t it?”

“Huh,” Karkat kind of just stared at you for a moment. “Yeah. I guess so. But, I think all the choices you make in your life are the correct ones, no matter how dumb or stupid they might seem to be at the time. After all, if the choices you make create the person you are today, then you couldn’t really have made any other choices otherwise you might have ended up completely different.”

“Huh,” Now it was your turn to stare. “Yeah, I guess so.”

You and Karkat wandered over to another room filled with portraits of rich people. And some not rich people. But mostly rich people who had a shit ton of money who were actually able to afford to pay someone to come over and force them to sit still so they could be painted.

Karkat suddenly stopped in front of one of the paintings, and you looked up towards it.

It was a painting of someone who looked a lot like Karkat. There was blood of a bright red hue covering the troll’s hands, and the sight of it made you a little nauseous. The wrists were chained together by irons that were shaped like Karkat’s sign. The man was clearly in pain, but he held himself high in a manner that almost seemed dignified. But he also looked like he was about to cry.

It was striking as much as it was horrifying.

You looked back over to Karkat. Karkat was staring at the painting with as much a mixture of horror and fascination as you’re pretty sure you had while looking at the painting. However, Karkat also seemed to be staring at the painting in awe and wonder.

He gaped at the painting for what felt like an eternity before he slowly turned his head towards you.

“Cash.”

And that was all you needed to hear.

“You heard it here folks, another cash painting! Sold to Karkat Vantas, it’s ‘The Signful’ by Anonymous! A mysterious painting this is!”

Karkat responded by breaking wide into a grin, and the smile probably legitimately made your heart stop.

“It’s nice to see someone like me in a place like this,” Karkat whispered so softly and so gently, and you felt your heart squeeze in your chest. His grin had softened into a small smile.

“Come on! Let’s go to the next room and ignore all the paintings of the clearly rich as fuck people and focus on the more interesting ones.” Karkat took your hand to guide you to the next area.

You felt your stomach doing somersaults.

Karkat stopped in front of one of the paintings and was squinting his eyes at it.

He was still holding your hand, and your heart was beating too fast, like a sudden change in time signature in a brand new piece, but the last thing you wanted to do was let go.

“Are there dogs fucking in the background of this piece?” Karkat said, shocking your heart and getting it back down to speed.

You looked at the painting and, sure enough, there were dogs screwing in the background.

“Holy shit,” You said totally gracefully. “What’s this shit called, uh, Brothel Scene by Frans Van Mieris.”

“That’s an apt name for it,” Karkat stuck his tongue out at the painting. “That’s disgusting though.”

You, however, thought it was hilarious, and it was now your phone background. Wait, you had a better idea for a phone background.

“Yo, Karkat, let’s take a selfie.”

“What? A selfie? Who are you, Eridan?”

“I would be offended by that if I didn’t know you were joking. Come on, just take a selfie with me so that we can commemorate the occasion.”

“The occasion of finding a painting with dogs doing the do in the background?” Karkat shrugged. “Eh, sure, why not. It’s not like I have a reputation to uphold or anything.”

“Sweet.” You and Karkat get in shot of the camera, and you make certain to include the two dogs fucking in the picture.

There, now that was your background.

“You know, I feel like I should send a picture of this painting to Equius just to see if he’ll notice,” Karkat said. “But I haven’t talked to him in ages, so I think it might be awkward.”

“Give me his handle, and I’ll send it to him. I’ll just be the random person who’s friend’s chumhandle was a little off from his. He’ll never suspect a thing.”

“Usually, I would be against such actions, but this is too hilarious not to do. His handle is centaursTesticle.”

“That’s a horribly inappropriate name.” You said as you typed the name in the search user part of pesterchum. “I’m jealous that I didn’t think of it first.”

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering centaursTesticle [CT] \--

TG: yo bro check out this painting i just found  
TG: https://www.mauritshuis.nl/-/media/7c9b6f8f3b9541faa3ca109dc226ccc3.ashx?mh=500&mw=500  
TG: isnt that dope  
TG: okay maybe it isnt as fire as my rhymes  
TG: but still  
TG: its hilarious  
TG: look at those two dogs fucking in the background  
TG: why would someone even paint that  
TG: what kind of a freak was mr frans van mieris  


CT: D --> Might I inquire about the identity of your person  
CT: D --> Despite your low b100d color, you appear to share a highb100d affinity for fine art  
CT: D --> I mean  
CT: D --> You seem to share my affinity for the fine arts  
CT: D --> That painting in particular is one of my favorites despite the 100d nature of it  
CT: D --> Tell me lowb100d  
CT: D --> I mean  
CT: D --> Fellow civilian  
CT: D --> What e%tra paintings do you enjoy grazing at  


TG: grazing  


CT: D --> gazing  
CT: D --> Do you share my love of fine art and STRONG hoofbeasts  


TG: shit man i can only answer one question at a time  
TG: the names dave first of all  
TG: which i guess is a pretty fucking common name and gives you no clue as to who i actually am  
TG: im dave strider and im a friend of terezi and karkat who are people i am fairly certain you know  
TG: i also know kanaya but i dont know her relation to you  
TG: as for paintings im a big fan of hoofbeast art number three eighty nine by biggus dickus and cherry lemonade by benedict nick  


CT: D --> I am also quite fond of those pieces  
CT: D --> The artists have STRONG brushstrokes

“Holy shit, Karkat. I just made those up. Those aren’t actually real paintings.”

“Holy shit,” Karkat was holding back laughter. “Keep going. I want to see how this conversation pans out.”

TG: hell yeah they do  
TG: i like art and all but its not really my favorite thing in the world  
TG: im more of a music and rap guy you feel  


CT: D --> Ah so you partake in the noble art of slam poetry  


TG: i dabble  
TG: anyway i know someone who would totally love to talk to you  
TG: hes my bro  
TG: bro for brother  
TG: his handles timaeustestified  
TG: message him if you want  
TG: or dont  
TG: i dont particularly give a shit  
TG: if you wanna rap though hmu

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering centaursTesticle [CT] \--

“Is that really how you’re going to end that conversation?”

“Yes. I did what I came there for. Or I did what I came here for? What I did here to do? Fuck, language is a garbage disposal.”

“Watch your language,” Karkat said. “There are children around.”

“I understand where you’re coming from but given that it’s you who’s saying that, I can’t take you seriously at all,” You responded before beginning to laugh.

“I can watch my language around children!” Karkat defended. “Clearly you can’t though!”

“I can watch my language,” You responded, completely uncertain of your ability to not swear around young and impressionable minds.

“Oh yeah? Prove it,” Karkat challenged.

“How in the goddamn hell am I supposed to prove it?”

“Not swearing, for one.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Let's set up a bet. It doesn't have to be money, but whoever swears first loses.”

“What do you want to bet?” You asked. Karkat shrugged.

“It could legit just be for bragging rights. What do you say, Strider? Last to swear gets bragging rights?” Karkat had a look in his eye that made your knees go weak, and you couldn't possibly bring yourself to say no to that.

“You're on. But first, we gotta figure out what the ground rules are.”

“Weren't you the one to complain about ground rules?”

“This is different. This has some fucking, goddamn stakes to it. We need to know what curse words we can actually use. Are we playing on easy mode, where things like heck and hell don't count? We playing on normal mode, where we can replace certain curse words with other words, like fudge instead of fuck? Or are we playing this game on hard mode, where we can't even say anything used as a swear word?”

“Let's go hard mode,” Karkat answered. “If you think you can handle it.”

Karkat quirked up an eyebrow, and you have no idea where all his confidence came from, but you were loving every moment of it.

“If you don't think I can handle it, then you must think of me as a coward.”

Hubris.

“Then we're on the same page.” Karkat held out his hand, and you shook it. “The game starts now.”

The both of you took a minute for an extremely awkward silence, neither of you really willing to talk in fear of your first word being a swear word.

Finally, it was you who spoke.

“Where do you want to go next in this mess?”

“We can go check out the statues,” Karkat suggested.

You knew what he was trying to do. You knew exactly what he was trying to do.

He was taking you to some goddamn naked-ass statues, which the both of you were going to discuss at some length without swearing at all.

“Yeah, sure, sounds like the best possible place to go.”

Again, hubris.

The two of you walked into the statue area, and there were dicks and nips out everywhere. You got some statues where people clearly had no idea whatsoever what boobs or vaginas looked like. You even had statues looking like they were ready to fuck.

Karkat looked like the smuggest bastard in the history of the world.

God, Rose would have a fucking field day. You were honestly surprised she wasn’t just right behind you holding a pen and clipboard, just analyzing every single word you said and giving a special focus to the amount of time you spent talking about dicks, even though you’ve been out as bisexual for years now.

Karkat walked over to the raunchiest looking statue that he could possibly find and looked over to you, looking even more mug than he did before, if that was even possible.

“Going straight to impossible mode, aren’t you,” You commented. “But, if you want to hear my commentary, I’ll go right on ahead.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

“Alright, dope. These two folks in the statue are looking like they’re ready to procreate, holding that apple in that way makes me feel like they’re about to do something with it, if you know what I mean. And that snake is going to join in. Actually, that snake’s also had so much weed. Just. So much. I’m honestly shocked at how raunchy this clearly religious imagery is. It’s like a piece about the hypocrisy of religion, probably,” You honestly can’t believe that you said that entire string of words without swearing even one time. You were kind of proud of yourself.

“Yes, this is clearly a statue with religious imagery. Glad to know you have a brain that isn’t solely focused on phallic imagery. In fact, I would even consider your analysis to be reasonable. The statue is almost certainly a critique with the ‘immoral’ behavior depicted along with symbols of God, giving its message through the juxtaposition of those elements.”

“What is this, a high school literature class?”

“Yes, Dave. This is absolutely a school full of almost adult wrigglers who are all ready and willing to hunker down to read a book that they are to analyze and discuss how the colors red and gold are used to symbolize and critique the wealthy,” Karkat paused for a moment. “Is there something wrong with thinking somewhat critically about the art around us? Can I not speak about prominent ideas expressed by a piece of artwork? Is it presumptuous of me to hold myself to a certain standard of behavior or intelligence? I can’t believe you, Dave Strider.”

“Dave Elizabeth Strider,” You interrupted. “If you’re going to scold me, at least give me the honor of insulting me with my full name.”

“Alright, Dave ‘Elizabeth’ Strider, if that even is your real name,” Karkat was close to laughing, indicating that everything he was saying was meant to be heard as a joke. “Have you no class? Do you just go through the world saying words and watching them turn to dust in the wind? Do you just say words and expect them to be understood? Do you even understand what you’re saying half the time? You even get off on my rants! You made a whole video about the one I sent you, and I highly resent the fact that it became a meme due to your own incompetence. I bet you’re even regretting not recording this rant that I’m saying right now.”

“You’re absolutely correct. It really do wish that I had this conversation recorded. Just do yet another video about it, and everyone would be freaking out about how my middle name is Elizabeth. They’d also be clamoring about how beautiful your voice is and how they finally have a voice to go with the rant you wrote.”

“...You think my voice is beautiful?” Karakat inquired, making you extremely aware of what you literally just said, and the fact that you have little to no filter to speak of.

“I mean, yeah, completely objectively speaking. You’ve got a nice voice, and I admire your ability to speak loudly and clearly, even if you can’t really control the volume all that well.”

You suffered in silence for a few moments.

“...Thank you.” Karkat was blushing slightly, and you were also probably doing the same, and your stomach decided that now was an absolutely fantastic time to do somersaults.

“So, uh, where do you want to go next? Or do you just want to wander around until we find something vaguely interesting?”

“Eh, I’m good with wandering.”

You and Karkat continue wandering around the art museum, stopping at certain artwork and discussing it without swearing at all. The competition was getting kind of intense. Both of you were wearing kind of thin, but both of you were also determined to win. Carefully monitoring your language was a challenge, but you managed to do it for quite the period of time.

“Fuck,” You couldn’t hold out. You lost. You accepted your defeat. You allowed the competition to lead to your untimely demise. Your death was marked by a swear word.

“Shit,” Karkat followed suit, but he did actually win the competition, and therefore the bragging rights to go with it.

Also, Terezi was trying to lick the paintings. Nepeta was doing a pretty good job of holding her back, but she wasn’t going to last much longer. Looks like she needs some knights to come help.

Not that you’re implying that you’re her knight in shining armor or anything. She just really needs some help to keep Terezi from getting lead poisoning. Although that might just be Terezi’s way of flirting. You weren’t really sure.

“Terezi! Stop licking the fucking paintings!” Karkat ordered.

“Yeah, Purrezi!” Nepeta agreed. “Purrlease don’t lick the pawtings. Mew’re going to get lead pawsoning if you do!”

“Didn’t we previously agree on you not licking the paintings like a fucking manic,” Oh look, you can swear freely now. “We don’t want to be banned from the museum because you want a better idea of what the thing looks like. Honestly, if you really want to know what colors the painting uses you can bring up a picture of a painting. Pictureception. Though I guess it might not be an actual picture. It will probably be a scanned version of the painting, which completely defeats the idea of it being pictureceptions although I don’t really know what you would call a scanned picture. Is there a specific name for it? I feel like there’s a specific word for it. God, who even cares about that. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, what was I talking about? Kind of wish I could just keep a record of everything I say so I can just go backup and find out what the entire reason I opened my mouth was.”

Meanwhile, Karkat had successfully diffused the situation. You had no idea how he did it because you were talking to yourself during the whole conflict.

Regardless, Terezi had been stopped from licking the art and was now licking her phone, which probably had a picture of the painting like you suggested at some point during your speech, not that you would remember when you actually said that. Or even if they actually got the idea from you.

“Thanks for helping out, Karkitty,” Nepeta said.

“Yeah, no problem. Don’t even think about repaying me,” Karkat responded.

Nepeta frowned but didn’t really say anything else.

Terezi and Nepeta left, leaving you and Karkat alone once again. You still had no idea what just happened other than Terezi almost getting kicked out.

“So, what just happened? You know, while I just talked to myself in the corner while you actually did something about the situation,” You clarified.

“I just got her to stop. She wasn’t actually going to lick the paintings-she was doing it mostly for the sake of causing a bit of chaos. Despite Terezi’s tendency to do things that are logical and orderly, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy making a scene from time to time.”

“Huh. Well, good job. Also, good job with winning our swearing game. Or, I guess, our not swearing game. Anyway, I humbly offer the bragging rights to you. Clearly, you are the champion of this battle. You have the most courage, the most bravery, and ultimately, the most discipline. I gladly entrust this award to you, Karkat Vantas of the Knight Table. Or, like, something that sounds way better than that. Karkat Vantas of something or other. God, I don’t think I actually know anything about the titles of knights or whatever during medieval times or whatever times knights were popular. Karkat Vantas of the Blood Oath. Shit, that sounds way cooler.”

“Wait, shit, I won? You were, like, legit keeping track of it?”

“I was. And, yes, you did win, as much as my pride loathes to admit it.”

Karkat kind of stood there dumbstruck for a moment before a wide grin spread across his face.

“Hell yes! Fuck yeah! I can’t believe I won, holy shit!”

While Karkat was celebrating his victory, something dawned on you. Why you felt warm when he smiled at you, why you flushed when he looked confident, why your stomach did a motherfucking pirouette off the handle whenever he brushed against you.

Okay, you were being hella dramatic, but still. Your point still stood. It made as much sense as it didn’t, but to be fair, Karkat had a lot of great qualities that made him a fantastic friend and possibly a fantastic something else, which you were now heavily considering and probably would have kept on considering had you not been interrupted from your thought process.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Karkat who awoke you from your thoughts.

“Hey! Dave! Karkat! How is it going? Haven’t gotten lost yet, have you?” Roxy greeted, and she was without Rose or Kanaya.

“It’s going good, Roxy. Karkat over here just won a bet-don’t worry, we only betted bragging rights-and, yeah, we definitely got lost at some point, so now we’re just wandering around and hoping we’ll eventually find our way back.” You were only mostly joking. You didn’t really get lost, but you didn’t really know exactly where you were either, and you were mostly relying on Karkat for directions and knowing where you guys were.

“What were y’all betting about?” Roxy questioned.

“Who could refrain from swearing the longest,” Karkat answered, looking triumphant.

“That’s fuckin hard,” Roxy responded. “If that were me, I don’t think I could stop from swearing. Tbh, I’m awful around kids.”

“Big mood. Also, where’s Rose and Kanaya?” You asked. “Pretty sure you were hanging with them when we split up.”

“Oh, yeah, Kanaya had to leave early, remember? So Rosey offered to drive her where she needed to go, so I stayed here to let them flirt, you know?”

“Oh, yeah, I feel ya. They’re pretty gross with the amount they flirt. I’m pretty sure they were wagging their eyebrows the moment they met.”

“Oh, no, I think they’re adorable, but I wanted to let them have a bit of privacy, you know. Wonk.” Roxy said and winked at the same time she said wonk. “Anyway, I can just hang with you two now that I’ve found y’all.”

“Are you really sure that you want to spend time with the guy who only wants to talk about the dicks of all the statues?”

“I don’t only talk about dicks!” You protested. “I also talk about vaginas and nipples. It’s equality, Karkat.”

“Okay, Roxy, are you sure you want to spend time with the guy who only wants to talk about genitals and various naughty bits that are involved in sexual intercourse?”

“Davey doesn’t only talk about that stuff,” Roxy argued. “He also talks about hot people.”

“Goddamnit. I trusted you.” You said, holding your hand over your heart in feigned betrayal.

“You can still trust me. I was only jokin around,” Roxy responded. “I love you even though you’ve got probably the dirtiest mind of anyone I know.”

“That’s fair.”

The three of you wander around the museum, mostly in the abstract area where you first started because Roxy really loved that kind of artwork.

“I love the colors! It’s so bubbly and fun. Clearly, this is painting that knows how to have a good time. I would have a party with this painting,” Roxy gushed. “Without the alcohol, of course.”

“Makes me think of bubbles,” You added.

“I don’t think this painting is supposed to be nice,” Karkat interjected. “It’s called ‘Pain and Misery.’ But we can basically ignore that because art is what the consumer makes of it. So if we think it’s a happy painting, it’s a happy painting, regardless of what the painter wants us to think when we see the painting.”

“Hell yeah,” You agreed. “Art is what you make of it. If they wanted us to feel pain and misery when we looked at the painting, they shouldn't have used pastel colors. This, uh, Jeffrey Bloomer needs to learn some shit about color theory.”

That was the majority of the issue with these abstract paintings. Their names didn’t seem to correlate with the actual painting. But that was whatever, and it was fun to listen to Karkat rant about the juxtaposition between the painting and the name of the painting.

The three of you talked extensively about a few of the painting before realizing that it was about time you go to the meeting spot. Rose was already there by the time you reached the meeting spot.

“How was your excursion with Dave and Karkat, Roxy?” Rose questioned.

“It was totes amazinballs.” Roxy doubled finger-gunned toward Rose. “How was your alone time with Kanaya?”

“It was very nice. Thank you for allowing Kanaya and I a small amount of time to ourselves.”

“No probs.”

Nepeta and Terezi soon arrived at the meeting spot.

“Hey, losers,” Terezi greeted. “How was your time?”

“It was pleasant, thank you,” Rose answered. “What about you?”

“It was fun!” Nepeta answered. “Even if Purrezi joked about eating the paintings a concerning ameownt.”

“She almost did eat a painting,” You joked. “In fact, Karkat over here successfully stopped Terezi from licking a painting.”

“Sound adventurous,” Roxy said. “Tell me the deets.”

You proceeded to tell Roxy a completely over-exaggerated story, complete with dragons, fire, and traveling all the way to the constellation of Cassiopeia. Dinosaurs were reanimated at some point, but they made sure they went back to where they were supposed to be, which is to say dead and maybe having their bones chillin in a museum. Your story was completely and obviously absolutely fake, but it was very fun to embellish it to absurd proportions. But it also seemed like everyone else was appreciating your story, so that was nice.

“And where were you in all of this?” Roxy questioned.

“Oh, I was just standing there talking to myself,” You admitted. “I mostly wasn’t paying attention except for a small portion of the action.”

“Also, none of that actually happened,” Karkat corrected. “Except for Dave talking to himself. That’s the only true thing that he said.”

“My story was more interesting.”

“Duh, obviously, but it wasn’t really what happened, and it's not even a realistic embellishment! Why the flying fuck would I be fighting centaurs on Uranus?”

“Don’t know. Maybe you were getting kinky,” You suggested.

“I would laugh, but that joke is beneath me.”

“But it’s not beneath you to comment on it.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Thank you. I think I will,” You responded with absolutely no intention to go home and fuck yourself.

But you did, in fact, go home after everyone was dropped off. You left Rose’s car with Roxy.

“I’m gonna go take a nap, Roxy said and then proceeded to pass out on the guest bed. You weren’t nearly as tired, so you went to your computer to pester people. Or just one specific person.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

TG: ara i think i might have crush on someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	18. Talks About Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so the updating plan for this fic is going to be sometime in the first week of each month, which should hopefully give me enough time to write the chapter, edit, and possibly write a little bit of the next chapter

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

TG: ara i think i might have crush on someone  
TG: like really actually have a crush on someone  
TG: i legit just figured it out and now i dont know what to do with all these fucking feelings  
TG: all jumbled up in my head my heart my soul  
TG: listenin to clockwork as im doin what im told  
TG: frantically looking for something else anything else  
TG: nothing fucking rhymes with else  
TG: figures that any kind of rhythm would be lost the moment i cant find words that rhyme  
TG: lets see else belse kelse welse  
TG: none of those are words  
TG: you gotta do an almost rhyme a bunch of times like soul and told because otherwise youre just gonna be stuck there twiddling your thumbs  
TG: over there doing pedestrian rhymes like cat and hat  
TG: becoming dr seuss or something or whatever  


AA: i think felts or belts or maybe welsh might be good half rhymes!  
AA: also who do you have a crush on  


TG: oh going straight to the nitty gritty stuff i see  
TG: not even getting a distraction aout what rhymes with else okay  


AA: im curious!  
AA: and im certain you were about to tell me anyway  
AA: otherwise what would have been the point in revealing the fact you have a crush on someone  


TG: okay yeah youre right  
TG: i was going to tell you  
TG: still kind of awkward to actually tell someone and admit it outloud  
TG: you know how it is  


AA: not really  
AA: i usually go after what i want whether its a job or a matesprit  
AA: i dont have time to lament about what could be  
AA: so tell me who your crush is so i can help you come up with a strategy on how to ask them out  


TG: aradia i literally just figured out i had a crush on him  
TG: these kinds of feelings need time to form  


AA: if youre still crushing on him and not with him by the time my wedding happens im staging an intervention  


TG: thats fair  
TG: but yeah i think i should wait awhile before even thinking about asking out karkat  


AA: you have a crush on karkat!!!  


TG: shit  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah i think i do at least  
TG: dont really want to act too fast you know  
TG: im becoming pretty good friends with him and i dont really want to ruin that friendship for something that might be superficial  


AA: do you have any other repercussions about asking him out  


TG: no of course not  
TG: im bi and proud  
TG: ive been bi and proud for years now  


AA:  


TG: maybe  
TG: i dont know i feel like its something i should be over by now  
TG: its been like a decade  
TG: thats such a long time  


AA: is it  


TG: i think so  
TG: im in my twenties now that life just feels so long ago  
TG: is a decade not a long time  


AA: maybe not for our age but in the grand scheme of things its not that long  
AA: how old are you  


TG: seems like a weird question but like twenty six  


AA: how old might you be able to live  


TG: hopefully at least seventy or eighty years old  
TG: maybe more depending on things  


AA; how old can a troll live  


TG: god i dont know its different depending on blood color  


AA: yes  
AA: some of that statistic is skewed because of discrimination of lower blood colors  
AA: but yes  


TG: what if trolls are immortal until killed  


AA: that may be the case  
AA: but theres not a ton of evidence indicating thats true  
AA: just give me a generalization  


TG: maybe a few hundred years  
TG: yall can live a long ass time  


AA: how old is our planet  


TG: im gonna take a wild guess and say like a billion years old  


AA: its around four and a half billion years old  


TG: jesus  


AA: i have one last question  


TG: hit me ill answer it the best i can  


AA: how old is the universe  


TG: i think its like fourteen billion years old  


AA: correct  
AA: now how old are you again  


TG: twenty six  
TG: god that sounds so small next to fourteen fucking billion  
TG: i can barely even imagine that many years  
TG: shit  


AA: sometimes wounds take longer than a decade to heal  


TG: thats deep  


AA: what i mean to say is that you shouldnt feel bad about not getting over something in only a decade  
AA: it took so much longer for the world to form  
AA: it took so much longer for the universe to get to where it is today  
AA: so forgive yourself for not healing and growing that quickly  


TG: i dont think i can  


AA: maybe not immediately  
AA: healing takes time  
AA: and mental wounds take much longer to heal than physical ones  
AA: people say to live each day as if its your last  
AA: but you should remember that you still have time  


TG: idk theres always the possibility of me dying tomorrow  
TG: just kicking the bucket by doing something stupid  
TG: like trying to tame an elephant  
TG: or telling a customer to fuck off  
TG: i havent worked in retail for two years and im still considering the possibility  


AA: do you want to die  


TG: ...  
TG: i dont know  
TG: i dont think so  
TG: i spent so long wondering if i was going to live to be an adult that i didnt know what to do when i became one  
TG: …  
TG: do you want to die  


AA: perhaps out of a morbid curiosity  
AA: a person doesnt spend their time around dead civilizations without wondering how it is beyond the grave  
AA: but ive spent so long feeling dead that i find living more appealing  


TG: huh  
TG: yeah  


AA: is there anything more you want to talk about  


TG:  
TG: …  
TG: hell yeah lets talk about this dick  


AA: which one  
AA: your dick someone elses dick or an asshole  
AA: are we talking praise or talking shit  


TG: talking praise you know  
TG: ive heard that this is the best dick on this side of youreintown  
TG: just the biggest dick energy you can possibly fathom  
TG: all concentrated right here in on my groin  


AA: suns out  


TG: dicks out hell yeah  
TG: except not really because thatd be hella inappropriate  
TG: dicsk out nips out  
TG: now thats a saying i can get behind  


AA: the usual saying is suns out guns out  


TG: and wheres your guns  


AA: right here!!!  


TG: alright everybody go home  
TG: weve got the best guns in town right here  
TG: maybe even in the world  
TG: so go home everyone  
TG: weve already got winners for the gun show  
TG: the girls are right here  
TG: aradia megido  
TG: gold star guns  


AA: bang!  


TG: hell yeah  
TG: flaunt those guns  
TG: live your best life  


AA: you too!!!!  


TG: hell  
TG: fucking  
TG: yes  
TG: got my dream life planned out  
TG: gonna open a museum  
TG: buy all the inappropriate artifacts that other museums wont show  
TG: gonna name it vags and diks  
TG: the best name  


AA: it might not get approved though  
AA: try something like the museum of fine art  
AA: the italics are completely necessary  


TG: hell yeah they are  
TG: people will love and hate it in equal measure  
TG: or unequal measure  
TG: one thing im sure of  
TG: no one will be bored in my museum  
TG: that reminds me that im kind of tired  
TG: probably gonna go take a nap  


AA i hope you have a nice nap!  


TG: thanks you too  
TG: unless you arent taking a nap  
TG: in which case have a nice day

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

You went and took a nap for what was about an hour before being woken up by pesterchum notifications.

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

AC: :33< *ac clawusiosly approaches the lone crow*  
AC: :33< *she opens her maw and says h33llo!*  
AC: :33< *she asks the crow how hes doing and if he had fun at the meowseum today*  


TG: hell yeah i did  
TG: *the crow said*  
TG: tho its kind of a shame we didnt really get to hang out all that much  


AC: ://< yeah  
AC: :33< i would have liked to have s33n mew a bit longer  
AC: :33< we didnt really hang out fur that long  


TG: we could always hang out at some other time  
TG: its not like that was our one and only singular chance to hang out  


AC: :33< mewre right!  
AC: :33< when do mew want to hang out?  


TG: maybe sometime next week or the week after  
TG: ill have to check my schedule  
TG: what do you want to do  


AC: :33< i dont know  
AC: :33< im purrty much up fur anything  


TG: are you a tea or coffee person  
TG: purrson  


AC: :33< :33  
AC: :33< im meowre of a tea purrson  
AC: :33< what about mew?  


TG: im more of a tea person myself  
TG: im not a huge fan of copious amounts of caffeine  
TG: and i feel like i can control the caffeine level better in teas  


AC: :33< i mewsually just get tired when i have caffeine  
AC: :33< i always have to take a cat nap afterwards  


TG: honestly coffee is just straight up nasty  


AC: :33< coff33 is nasty  
AC: :33< i dont care how much sugar or milk is in it  
AC: :33< equius likes it beclaws its “STRONG” and also he likes milk  


TG: but coffee cant both be strong and have milk  


AC: :33< shhh!  
AC: :33< dont tell him that!  
AC: :33< hell have a crisis  
AC: :33< the coff33 brewed is strong and milk makes it stronger because milk makes you strong  


TG: well shit then  
TG: ill zip my lips to prevent revealing that information then  
TG: this top secret secret is safe with these locked lips  


AC: :33< good  
AC: :33< so are we going to have tea?  


TG: yeah we could do a little tea party  


AC: :33< a tea pawty!!!  
AC: :33< that sounds delightfur!  


TG: well do it when both our schedules are free  


AC: :33< sounds good to me!  
AC: :33< i have to go now, but be sure to message me  
AC: :33< or ill message you  
AC: :33< regardless, well stay in contact  
AC: :33< bye!  


TG: see ya  
TG: ill be sure to pester you at some point

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

That was a nice conversation. You guessed it was time to check your calendar for availability in the next two weeks.

You were actually free a few times, but, before you could start considering when you would suggest, another notification showed up on pesterchum.

\-- grimAutrilliux [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GA: Hello Dave  
GA: I Do Not Have Much Time To Say This  
GA: But I Wanted To More Formally Or Casually Depending On What You Take This As To Invite You To The Birthday Party I Am Throwing  
GA: For My Wriggling Day As Is Tradition In Many Areas Of The Globe  
GA: Birthday Parties Seem To Be More Common Celebrations Than Wriggling Day Parties  
GA: I Wonder Why  
GA: There Is Likely An Actual Reason Behind It And Not Simply Because Someone Decided It Was So  
GA: Anyway  
GA: My Party Is Next Sunday And Starts At Around Two Pm  
GA: It Is At My House  
GA: Please Make Certain To Inform Me If You Are Unable To Arrive At The Party  
GA: Also Feel Free To Ask Any Questions  


TG: yeah i got one question  
TG: or comment or whatever  


GA: Oh  
GA: I Did Not Realize You Were Online  


TG: its pretty simple to look and see if someones online though  


GA: Yes But Many Are Not Actually Online When It Says They Are  
GA: Not Being Online Referring To Being Away From Their Computer  


TG: thats nonsense everyone should have at least eight computers on their person at all times  


GA: I Concur  
GA: You Can Ask Questions But I Am Afraid You Will Need To Do It Later Because I Need To Go Now  


TG: cool ill just put my questions here and you can answer them later  


GA: Yes That Sounds Amicable  


TG: cool

\-- grimAutrilliux [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

You gave Kanaya all your questions, which included basic things like where her house was and if you should bring a gift along with things like how dope the party was going to be.

Kanaya got back to you a few hours later, and you marked the date on your calendar. While you were at it, you also messaged Nepeta to confirm tea party plans with her and marked the date the two of you agreed on your calendar. You were honestly super excited for both events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is me in a serious conversation


End file.
